Merry Christmas 2frayed, and happy new year! I'm hoping the season is getting easier now that the big day has passed?? There is still that 2nd dday anniversary to survive...but then spring comes. Ahhhh only a few more weeks right??
I wanted to share a positive story. I think my husband emdr'd himself!
It has been emotional here, and sleep has not been easy for either of us, which means his demons were front and center for a while. Those dementors I mentioned a few posts back?
In a semi conscious disassociated state my H decided to let his imagination fight his imagination. And during we are talking about the actual physical changes occurring (brain chemistry, release of hormones, different parts of the brain being engaged) while he observes the others. He ends up seeing a superhero emerge and destroy those dementors once and for all in a most epic, Hollywood worthy, battle. His alters are separated by glass and can't get out. His protector is pacing, his child is sitting under a table...the superhero charges the glass shattering it, then absorbs the protector. He then charges the glass to get to the child, but when he goes to absorb the child, the child absorbs him. The child, who had been sitting under that table since his parents last email, stood up. Walked over to the destroyed dementors, looked toward my H (front brain), smiled a confident smirk, and then skipped away to the back of the brain.
When my H came to (back online? Out of the dream??) he let out a big breath, said, wow, and then, I need to go to bed. :)
A week later and he pictured the smashed villains in the hands of the hero, and it made him laugh. He is thinking of having an artist draw this scene up for him. It is highly possible they are gone now. Hopeful!!
Anyway - since disassociation occurs using the imagination center of the brain, it is pretty impressive to see how imagination can help undo it too. And this is how emdr can help. For me, I imagined how I wish my h had handled the AP, and I was able to hold onto that image for some time. And then use those emotions to connect my logical understanding with the emotional side. It worked for me anyway.
So now for my healing. If anyone is aware of the wheel of awareness by Dan Seigel, it is a mindfulness technique used to show that you are the hub of a wheel, and emotions are on the tire that goes around and around. And the ones that get stuck are the ones we pull into the hub. (Check out his book mindsight for a better description by him.) we can learn to just let these pass by us, acknowledge they are there, but also acknowledge that they don't have to be dealt with "right now" (or in my wallowing state-right now and later and tomorrow).
Anyway, I have been having a hard time with this exercise because I don't want to be the hub. Meaning, I don't want to be me. Because I believe I am a failure, a bad person, unlovable and unworthy of other people's time. And I feel that way because that is what I was told/shown as a child. And undoing this is just stupid hard. Yeah yeah, compassion for H, blah....
Anyway. My homework is to text my IC with updates on how i am doing- because I don't ask for help or reach out. (I have this site anyway!) but doing that IRL?!?!
We start emdr in two weeks for this stuff. Nearly a year later than when we first started to think about it - given pregnancy, post partum, full discovery of H's level of DID...
But I can't go on much longer this way, so heading towards the dark again soon to find the light again.