SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey PinkJeepLady!!! Good to hear from you!

Restoration of the heart is Good News indeed!! And to LIVE the truth of the gospel is awe inspiring.

So glad you are experiencing similar restoration in your life too.

Why couldn't he warn me? (Maybe He did and I wasn't listening - red flags, anyone.)

SteadyChevy, I read this and could not keep still. God DID try to warn me - many times, sometimes in almost miraculous ways - and I just chose to ignore Him. I chose to believe my beloved H would NEVER do anything like that - that he was a good man who loved me too much to even consider cheating. Plus, I thought he had a pretty intense relationship with God. I was wrong - on all counts.

Ways in which God tried to warn me? Halfway through their 6-year LTA, I got a pretty serious STD. Both of my doctors insisted H had to be cheating on me. But he looked me in the eye and "swore to God" that he was being faithful and I chose to believe him. He had supposedly done online research that showed that this type of STD could have been sitting dormant in me - for over 25 years?? I basically told one of my doctors to go to Hell. The timing of this event? It was one week before OW banished her husband to another state because she couldn't be in love with one man and come home to another.

Then I found a post office receipt for a gift that was being sent to another state, express mail, 3 days before Christmas 2012. H said it was business-related. And, yes, even though the memo said "Jewelry Box - $100", I still believed him. You see, when we are in love, we see what we want to see. I believed him because I really wanted to even as his behavior toward me became more and more hateful. I was a blind fool, in love with a monster.

On Dday, I believe God had just had enough. I saw an e-card H sent to OW that I NEVER should have been able to see! He had sent it to her and only her. Yet I got a message showing the card and the recipient, complete with full name and her email address. It took me 10 minutes to confirm that, yes, my H was cheating and had been for a long, long time.

God is an amazing, loving Father and does not ever want to see His children suffering, especially at the hands of one of His other children. But we live in a fallen world. And free will? It has been our pitiful license for sin since day one. And it grieves Him when the choices we make are the wrong ones. Very, very much...

My guess is that God did, indeed, try to warn you but that your love for your W kept you from seeing the signs. Love has a funny way of doing that. Hang in there, my friend. And please, please do not blame God for your W's horrible choices. Instead, rest in His comforting embrace. He loves you so!

Well said NeedsFriendsHere.

I too was warned....and not just about the sins of my wife, but my sinful patterns too. Lots of reasons for this....but all of them were my choice. Certainly Saran was at work too....after all this is a battle for our hearts. God fighting for it, satan looking to devour it

This is a humbling experience. Nice thing about being humbled....you are more open to learning.

If it weren't so painful, these trials in our lives could actually be exciting. Look how trials can mature and wisen is. God wants us to have life to the fullest....we grow into that.

You guys this is one of the biggest things I am trying to work through as well. Why didn't God warn me earlier? Why only when things were so bad did confrontation occur? Why couldn't I see red flags and how can I tell if he is faithful in the future when we seemed good before?

Briefly long convoluted story short, I feel strongly that on D Day God was guiding my steps heavily. I had been feeling like my husband was just "off" for a month or so......I felt God/Holy Spirit tell me to ask to check his phone, he handed it over and I found an 80 page text. Thing is, the PA part had been going on for 1.5 months at this point and he had fallen in "love" already. He had been her "friend" for three years after a ONS/ annon encounter.....I was COMPLETELY blind sided (husband just gave me a Bible for our anniversary for crying out loud.) Why couldn't God warn me? We talk daily. Husband had an inappropriate "friend" he wanted to sleep with again for 3 years and I had no idea!!!!

After much reflection, H feels strongly that God used me to pull him out of some serious serious spiritual blindness and sin. My selflessness was instrumental to his eyes opening. He realized almost instantly the depths of his sin and has grown more and more remourseful and repentent as the months go by. He says if I would have freaked out or kicked him out on DDay things may not have worked out the same. He may not have seen the truth.

I ask God why my husband's healing at the expense of my well being? I ask God why didn't I not hear or see His warnings? Did He tell me and I was not listening? Why was I not listening? If I could not hear from God this time, what if there is a next time? What if I'm in a marriage of lies and I don't know it?

ETA: what is the best way to work through this part of infedelity? I know I will be ok, but I would hate not knowing and having to go through this pain again and living lies. This is my biggest hurdle.

[This message edited by sleeplessincali at 8:21 PM, April 18th (Monday)]

Man oh man GOD was all over the place on dday and actually a few days before....my H had been so distant and the morning I found out after he left to go to mass (!!!!) I told myself ...when he gets back I am going to tell him S@@T or get off the pot! When he wasn't back home as quickly as a trip to mass and a carwash I started calling his phone....well lo and behold he had left it behind....and the rest is history...and I knew God's hands were all over it....and I knew at that moment I was no longer INVISIBLE ...HE gave me the power and strength to confront...and thus began MY spiritual journey...it is almost 3.5years since that moment of implosion and I can honestly say I KNOW I was never alone...God has been with me every step of the way....I also know God loves every single one of us...and on dday HE "left" the 99 sheep to find my H and bring him back in the fold....I know for a fact that God never left my side...or my FWH side either BTW....that is why each of us have our own journey....but we are NOT alone

Peace

I was just pondering the same question this morning when oddly I came across a pretty top I had bought for a special trip we took in Europe. Now I know that FWH was with prostitutes on his way to and from to meet me. He was so distant on that trip and I am sure never noticed what I was wearing, he probably didn't even know I was there! While thinking of this I said to him this morning, why didn't God put some evidence into my hands then? It wasn't until a year later that divine intervention dropped an iPod into my lap (literally) with FWH's email open on it.

I don't really know the answer to that but I too know that God has been with me all the way. There were so many blessings surrounding dday that helped me survive. People came into my life when I needed them for one.

What I really question of course is why did FWH do it in the first place and why didn't he confess to me what he did? We too had some religious experiences during the cheating time period that I can not for the life of me understand how FWH got through without wanting to come clean with his sins. Weird isn't it? We were praying together during that time but I too knew something was "off". Never in a million years did I suspect this.

When I do look back though, probably the timing was for the best, well not "best" but you know what I mean. My father passed away right before dday, we sold out house and our daughter graduated. I don't think I could have handled all that and knowing about the infidelity. Here's one for you though, at my dad's funeral my wonderful brother in law stand up and says how he, my other BIL and my FWH are so lucky to be married to my dads 3 daughters. My FWH is crying and I think it's sweet but find out later he has been disrespect me for years. Anyway, sometimes time helps us figure these things out.

Amen to we are not alone!

I just shared some of my detailed questions with my spouse and he commented that I was asking the age old questions, he simplified them for me. Why doesn't God stop bad things from happening to good people and does God hear my prayers?....these are questions that I thought I knew the answers to...why am I asking?

Yeah, I normally know the answers to those questions too. People have free agency here to make horrible choices that may badly hurt others. God does hear our prayers and answers them according to His will.

I think when any tragic event happens to us even those with great faith have these questions. Infidelity just makes zero sense and is so cruel! Maybe that's why it shakes our faith a little bit? How could this possibly happen to us? The person we love and trust uses their free will to do something unthinkable. But then, we do see Gods hand in all this. Interestingly, a few months after dday, FWH was diagnosed with cancer which forced him to make some changes necessary for R. I don't think God gives people cancer, but I know He sure heals people!

Hang in there sleepless! Keep the faith!

Thank you for those words.

Why doesn't God stop bad things from happening to good people and does God hear my prayers?....these are questions that I thought I knew the answers to...why am I asking?

Folks....keep in mind it is NOT just us and God on this planet, we have an enemy. Not all that happens is God's will. Yes, God can use all things for good, as testified in our lives....but God did not cause this trial, our free will did. And satan absolutely used his greatest tool, deception, against us all.

Its how I remained blind to the NOW obvious signs....

That "removed" state so many talk about as their spouses actively engaged in infidelity and adultery??? Yep, that was loud and clear during a traditional "lake trip" we went on the summer that her active affair started. I turned a blind eye.

Then, like y'all, I had the undeniable truth presented to me. In my case it was a "over the limit texting" message....as I pay all the bills in our home.

Even THEN, I entered denial. I fell for satans lies "Its not THAT bad" "Hey, I'm not perfect either" "I just need to win my wife back".....Lord help me (and he has), I was mired down in a world of deception, pain and brokenness.

Thing is, I was always laden down with this....believed so many lies. It was just at a "manageable level".

In similar fashion, my wife was embracing lies and intimacy destroying patterns of her own. As she sought to escape pain through self medication, she finally chose adultery. The morphine drip of pain killers!

Thing is.....escaping pain may have its place, but real growth only occurs from having wounds healed.

And God is the great physician.

Just please please please keep in mind our focus needs to be on God, but we need to be mindful we have a very real enemy fighting to kill our hearts.

For too long in my life I believed in God, but only lightly believed in satan. Real problems occur when this false message is believed. For when things go bad wrong a person believing this lie will believe the next lie....."This went bad wrong, God is all good. So the fly in the ointment is ME! I suck."

At the start of every sin some lie is believed and held as a truth.

This trial has opened our eyes to more truth....and has sparked a thirst to seek more. And that truth is found only in God. And another cool thing about God is he made the Gospel incarnate via Jesus....and continues to this day to use real live folks to grow us, even going so far as to allow trials in our lives to do so.

God is good.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:41 AM, April 19th (Tuesday)]

SleeplessinCali,

Your question - how will we know if they do it again? I have asked that multiple times myself. And here's the answer (at least for me):

H was not the same person he used to be (or is now) during the A years. He was snippy and impatient with me, he criticized just about every word that came out of my mouth, and he could care less if we made love or not. At the time, I blamed it on what I thought was his stressful job. Now I know better. If I see a hint of those behavior patterns emerge again, I will know something is up. And if it turns out he is cheating, I will kick him out - for his good as well as mine.

I felt the Lord tell me on Dday to give H one chance. Just one. And if he blows it, I am to release him to his sin.

The really cool thing about how God works things, though, is that he has done a huge work in me since Dday too. It's like Blakesteele keeps saying - He opened my eyes to my insensitivities and to what I can do to keep my H happy.

I don't know why it took an LTA for me to realize what a needy man my H is, but it did! And that's on me. My H has serious issues stemming from a very messed-up upbringing and I was blind to them until this all happened. Yes, he is now getting help for those issues, but it will take years to bring complete healing. My part now is to make sure he knows how much I love him - always. He honestly believed I didn't when I was spending so much of my time with our sons.

One of you mentioned the timing of Dday (sorry! I'm on an iPod and can't scroll down easily). If I had found out a month later, I would have already left H because of his abusive behavior. I had been making plans. If I had found out earlier, our nest would not have been empty and I wouldn't have had the time or energy to devote toward healing our M and dealing with a very broken H. Through no fault of his own, DS2 was very demanding on my time.

Looking back, I see God's hand all over this situation. I have never blamed or been disappointed in Him. Only in my H and in myself.

Satan also likes to hit us in the same wound over and over and over.

Its smart, actually...very cunning.

If I am fighting a man and know he has a gun-shot wound to the shoulder.....you can bank on my blows aiming for that previous wound. I get more bang for my buck by doing so!

That detached state I noted in my wife that summer? I saw it throughout our marriage at various levels. In a sickly comforting way, it likened to my family of origin. The simplest, lightest withdraw chosen by my wife had me fearful and choosing accordingly. I refrained from boldly living and continued my pattern of fear-based living......and satan loved it! For if I act in fear, I am NOT taping into the spirit God gave me and am no threat to satan.

But satan pushed it too far with adultery.....try as I might, the pain was to great to stay the same. And I changed, with God's help.

As I boldly pushed passed my fear and into new ways of choosing and living, I found real healing. As I found real healing, I found the courage to look deeper at tougher, longer-standing wounds.

1 year into it I faced the fact I was sexually abused as a boy. Had almost no idea....just marked that summer up to "weird". And didn't satan love that!!! That really sucked....put off therapy sessions for weeks at a time cause I didn't want to do the homework, didn't want to look at the ugly truth. But God pursued me.....like the lost lamb I was. satan tried too.

As I healed and grew stronger, I experienced multiple DD's, stronger rejection, embarassment, condemnation, poor pastoral advice, etc..

But I have learned when these attacks increase, it almost always means I am close to going to the next level.

New level, new devil.

"You can have knowledge, or you can have faith...but you can't have them both."

A quote from a respected author I like.

Lord knows I would like a guarantee that my wife won't chose adultery again.....that she will stop withdrawing....that she will heal the deep wounds that motivate her to choose a pattern that involves those and other destructive choices.

But if I KNEW those things, where is the faith in that. Isn't that just knowledge?

Its easy for me to have faith that I can pay my mortgage when its $400 a month and I make $250 k a year.......cause I KNOW I will have the money.

If I'm out of a job and been on 10 interviews, its harder to have faith that God will provide a job for me.....provide something for me that I can not get on my own.

Trials affect faith....they either grow it or help us discover it.

smile.

1 year into it I faced the fact I was sexually abused as a boy. Had almost no idea....

Oh Blakesteele, this brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry! You have had so much to deal with and to overcome.

This, this is good stuff and something I know I need to be mindful of:

As I healed and grew stronger, I experienced multiple DD's, stronger rejection, embarassment, condemnation, poor pastoral advice, etc..

But I have learned when these attacks increase, it almost always means I am close to going to the next level.

New level, new devil.

The attacks that come our way change radically as we experience healing and grow closer to each other and to God. I see this "new devil" easier in how it attacks H than in how it attacks me. But isn't that always the case? We notice the speck in our brother's eye but are unaware of the plank in our own!

Thanks for the continued support NFH. It took a trained therapist to physically gasp and cover her mouth as I shared rather matter of factly what took place that summer for me to own that I was abused.

To be sure, I am healing from this 30 year old experience....and it feels great!!! Thank you God!!!

I share that to gently point out we are all guilty of avoiding painful facts.

I knew at some level this was not right.....my older brother and I actually joke about that summer as the "drug years" of our lives, 'cause we couldn't remember large parts of it. This is what was the flag that the therapist saw that I didn't.

"What did you have for dinners?"

"What was the morning routine like?"

"How did the evening look in your home?"

Simple questions....that I couldn't answer during this time period. I was 11....could remember answers before that time period, then my memory was sketchy. Abuse involved both parents, who divorced shortly after that summer...Dad went to his OW, Mom disengaged and did her own thing. Thats when I, out of necessity, adopted the attitude...."I got this". Emphasis on "I". ugh.

Needless to say I found a large "why" as to MY pattern of living.

Yeah, it sucks....but God is at work. I say this because GOOD things are coming from my new-to-me awareness.

Example:

Once I accepted that abuse was a part of my boyhood, I asked my older brother about that summer. His first reaction was just like mine...."It was just weird".

Then I asked if he remembered any details....he paused.....he said "Yes". What? Then he shared just a few details in the same tone as I did with the therapist....kind of a flat, matter of fact tone. He ended with....."But, it could have been much worse. It was just weird."

I then asked....."Will you do that with your daughter?"

"OH HELL NO!!!!" was his instant response.......after which he and I were both quiet for a couple of minutes.

Its something how we can accept less than God desires for OUR lives, but you let us become of a similar situation in another's and its "Game on!".

It is sooo nice to be healing and gaining wisdom at the heart level.

I see this throughout this forum, even in the painful to read posts I see God's light shining through.

I don't pray for marriages to be saved after adultery anymore....I used to. NOW I pray for the courage and discernment to live a bold life and to gain the wisdom to do so. And that will mean more trials as that is where wisdom is really gained. Its changed my perspective to the core....this idea that "pain" and "good" are not mutually exclusive. That you can have peace even in conflict.

Thanks again for the support....I appreciate it.

Remember.....to be comforted you have to first admit you are in discomfort. And that is something quite new to me.

Remember.....to be comforted you have to first admit you are in discomfort. And that is something quite new to me.

So very true blakesteel.

If we don't admit it, we can't be comforted by God's agents, or God. We remain in our misery and isolation. God designed us for relationship with Himself and others.

Wow! I signed on this morning to reach out for help on just this very topic!

I use to comfort myself a lot with “God has a better plan for me” or “God will fix things’. Now I can’t believe that and it has left me scared and hopeless. You see, since DDay my relationship with God has evolved tremendously. One of the things that I too battled with was, “How could God let this happen to me?” I eventually realized, like many of you have said, that it is not God making these things happen. 1. We live in a fallible world, in which our everyday lives are greatly intertwined with other sinful and imperfect people. We are also in the devils line of fire. This is a recipe for pain and disappointment, but in no way are our trials “God’s doing” because, and this brings me to number 2. God does not interfere with free will. For example, He will not stop our WS from choosing adultery on our behalf. Just because we are faithful, does not mean he will interject into our lives and stop pain or discomfort.

This leads me to my current predicament. If God does not interfere with free will, then…he does not interfere with free will. He does not “make” bad things happen to us, so neither does he “make” good things happen to us. Right? Because that would be interfering with free will? Over the last few years things have continuously “gone wrong” for me. I can’t seem to get back on my feet before something else smokes me in the face and knocks me back down. I think this is what y’all were referring to as satan’s attacks, right? But they have left me so hopeless and beat down (as I am sure many of you have experienced as well)…I want to hope that “God will fix things” and that “He has a better plan for me”, but I can’t. He won’t do anything to change it. I am not guaranteed success or happiness, just because I am faithful and love God. So, I adjusted my prayers. I began to pray for God’s will to be done in my life rather than praying for my own heart’s desires…or praying that my heart’s desires be aligned with His desires for me…which I have been doing for a while now. The problem is that it has not restored my hope.

I found out yesterday that I did not get into grad school and it has forced this conundrum back to the forefront of my mind. I think that I am living a Godly life (of course it could always be better/stronger). I talk to Him. I look to Him to guide me in my thoughts and actions daily. I try to live my life according to His will for me. If I believe that positive things happen on a whim, then it makes me not want to put myself out there. I never know whether I am going to be accepted or rejected. I never know whether I am going to succeed or fail. I am now terrified to apply again. It doesn’t really matter how hard I work, I may never get in.

My relationships have not worked out (since I started dating 16 years ago). I can’t afford a place of my own for me and DS (now or anytime in the near future). My career goals are not working out (again. This has been a struggled for 15 years). I have been eating super healthy for the last year and haven’t been able to lose any more weight (for the last 6 months and still 15 lbs overweight). My relationship with my parents is damaging, but I can’t afford to move out. What can I hope for if not for these things to work out? But I can’t bet on God “helping them” because he will not interfere with free will. I am feeling really hopeless, confused and honestly scared to do anymore because I don’t think I can handle any more pain.

Sorry this is so long. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

I can relate StrongHeart...absolutely relate.

Couple words of comfort and support;

Hope is to the soul like breath is to the body. Satan is absolutely out to kill and destroy.....and he will attack all forms of hope.

A critical error made by many christians, including myself, is to disregard the very true fact that we are born into a battle. This is a fallen world. You have done well to understand you are being shot at.

"Man....I've been shot!!"

"I know, we've all been shot....but can you still fight?!"

"yes"

This line from a movie reminds me that we have all been injured. Doesn't at all MINIMIZE the true facts, but does help a person gain perspective.

WHATCH THOSE FALSE AGREEMENTS!!! Things you state as fact may indeed be LIES.

My relationship with my parents is damaging, but I can’t afford to move out.

Is this true?

How much will it take?

How can your raise the money?

What boundaries can I install BEFORE my goal of moving out is reached?

My relationships have not worked out (since I started dating 16 years ago).

First....

Is this true? Are ALL relationships you had not worked out? Have any good ones with teachers, coaches, pastors, best friends, etc.?

VERY GENTLY......as this is an emotionally charged arena.

Even if this IS true, there is good news to be found here. The only person you can change is.....you. YOU have been in some failed relationships.....

why have they failed? What has your role been in them? Can you see a pattern? What can you do to break that pattern? (And NOT being in a relationship with anyone is NOT an option! Satan loves to keep you believing lies that keep you isolated and highly vulnerable. Things like "See, I am worthless...just look at the guys I attract!" "My Dad was right...I AM ugly" "I wouldn't wan't to date me either". Learn to sit with these feelings and thoughts......and how to dig under them for the deepest motivator you can find for them. DON'T believe your feelings.

No matter how strong feelings are they are not facts!!!!

Feelings are like kids....you don't want them driving your car, but it ain't healthy to lock them in the trunk either!

I see VERY clearly now how my wifes independent, removed stance was attractive to me initially....I see how it led her to adultery over time. That CLARITY only came through asking really tough questions of myself....seeing some very ugly truths....reaching the end of myself...and reaching towards God.

I think this is what y’all were referring to as satan’s attacks, right? But they have left me so hopeless and beat down

Yep. satan has hit his mark with many of the blows he has seen fit to deal you. Sounds like he is as crafty with you as he is with me....hitting me in known sore spots over and over. Best defense of this is to identify those long standing wounds, bring them to God, and allow him to heal them.....and be open to that healing no matter how painful a process it will be.

I want to hope that “God will fix things” and that “He has a better plan for me”, but I can’t. He won’t do anything to change it.

He does have a better plan for you, he is restoring your heart.....but he is not a genie, nor does he want to be. God wants a real, living breathing relationship with each of his children. And just like I want this from my daughters, I allow them to learn how to do things. I don't want to tie their shoes for them when they are 5, don't want to drive them too and from work their whole career....I want them to learn to do for themselves WHILE understanding I have their back should the need arise. Unlike God, I make mistakes. God is growing you through this trial. You ARE choosing better.

I am not guaranteed success or happiness, just because I am faithful and love God.

We are guaranteed salvation. But we are not guaranteed success as we often define it. Knowledge and faith....can have one but not the other.

So, I adjusted my prayers. I began to pray for God’s will to be done in my life rather than praying for my own heart’s desires…or praying that my heart’s desires be aligned with His desires for me…which I have been doing for a while now. The problem is that it has not restored my hope.

Prayer is critically important...but that is not typically what restores our heart. Most often we need actions combined with prayer. We are in a battle after-all. We need to pray that our "General" will guide us....but we need to take that step in faith up and out of the ruts we find ourselves in and grow forward.

Ruts are nothing more than graves with the ends kicked out!

What can I hope for if not for these things to work out? But I can’t bet on God “helping them” because he will not interfere with free will.

Hope for things to work out!!! Just be open to having God's will be done in YOUR life and don't make the mistake of assuming these two fatal assumptions:

That my (StrongHeart) will be done regarding my parents.

That whatever works out is God's will!!!

To be sure, its never Gods well for parents to be toxic, for marriages to end in divorce, for sex trafficing to be growing, etc.. These are results of free will being used in wrong ways....almost always a result of deception, though sometimes we simply choose wrongly out of plain old ignorance. My wife never set out to be an adulterer....it hurt her to the core. Which is exactly what satan aimed for! She didn't get there through one bad choice...she got there through a series of wrong choices that eventually included adultery.

My path towards more increasingly shocking "worse" sin was identical....satan's crafty that way.

All of that to try and say to you StrongHeart that you are NOT ALONE!!! All the lies you have believed urge you to own that lie as a fact....and in doing so your hope is dwindling.

I get this.

You GOT this. God is in your life and I pray other folks are allowing him to work through them to get to you.

I am going to pray a specific prayer of clarity and courage for you. God is answering your prayers.....the pain and stress within your world right now is keeping you from owning this fact. But that doesn't make it any less real.

You can shout lies...and they remain lies.

You can whisper truths....and they remain true.

Peace

NOTE: I don't believe in luck, karma or coincidence. There are reasons you chose the nickname you did.....you are stronger then you think, shame on satan for under-estimating you. But, that's not the first time he's done that now is it?

Strongheart,

I can't argue with anything Blakesteele has said to you. There is a lot of wisdom there. But I would like to add that God does open doors for us on occasion. Doors that seem to be closed are sometimes miraculously opened. He won't mess with free will, but he can help things go our way. Moving a person's heart (who is open to and will listen to Him) is not messing with free will. He does it to me all the time! He changes my heart toward people, moves me to pray for them or to consider them for things I may need help with. Things like that.

When we say "God has a plan for your life", we mean just that. Keep trusting in him and never stop letting Him know your heart's desire. He is our Father - the most loving Father anyone can imagine. And how many of us, when our children ask us for something again and again, do not eventually cave in and give that child what he or she wants? Or better yet - give them something we know is even better for them!

Please try not to be discouraged. I know you have suffered a great deal of disappointment. I await the day (and I pray it will be soon) when you share with us the wonders God is doing in your life. That day will come as long as you keep trusting in Him. Never lose that lovely faith you have, Strongheart. He sees and knows all, and loves you more than you can know.

We are guaranteed salvation. But we are not guaranteed success as we often define it.

Sorry for not explaining this better, but I did not mean success in the way of money, fame, etc. My personal successes would be things like having a career I enjoy, having a family (husband and kids), having a few strong human relationships, having a strong relationship with God, finding peace amongst the chaos of life, etc. More successes that would be related to feeling better, rather than having more stuff.

I adjusted my prayers and my life. I have been trying to live what I believe God’s will for me to be and yet I am still hitting walls. I have struggled with my career path for 12+ years and I thought I was finally on the right path. Having that door shut in my face makes me think that I am still not on the right path. I do realize that I can just apply again, but the culmination of failures like this is what is making me feel down. Shouldn’t I be finding some small successes along the way? That’s what I mean when I say things aren’t “working out”. I try to tell myself that this may just not be what God had in store for me, but because it has happened time and time again in all aspects of my life, down to small details (silly, I know), it starts to feel like I am too lost to be found. And yet, I thought that my relationship with Him was stronger than it has ever been. Why am I not feeling stronger? Why am I not feeling better?

I guess I just still don’t get it. I am feeling so defeated and lost. I really appreciate y’all’s support and trying to explain things to me. I am in tears out of frustration because I don’t understand. I don’t know what else I can do to be close to Him and feel that peace and happiness. I just keep waiting for something to “go my way” to show me that my desires have aligned with His, but they don’t. Everything I try doesn’t work out.

I am sorry if this is frustrating for y’all. It’s like I’m that kid in class that just never “gets it”.