This is my first time writing in the NPD thread. My WBF has bipolar disorder, and I've always thought he was narcissistic, but recently I've been learning about NPD. I would say he fits the Covert NPD type almost to a T.
I've been on SI for awhile - not sure if it's been a year? Most posts I make get the response to "run, don't walk" away from my WBF, but we're still together, living together, and on one job, working together.
This may be lengthy.
It's a fucked up situation. And I've only just realized how far I've been sucked in, how his constant digs and "do things my way" are eating away at me. I'm depressed, I feel weak, I have a good week or two, or day or two - I'm underemployed, looking for work. I'm active and proactive for awhile, but lately - not so much. I'm tired and don't want to do much.
I saw red flags all over the place when I met this guy in 2007. But, being very familiar with BP disorder (family members), I attributed his odd and inappropriate behaviors to his illness. Now, after all I've been through and am still going through, I feel he also has NPD, and for that, there is no treatment. I mean, I think that it's not treatable, is that true?
It just doesn't seem like he is capable of change. I don't know why I didn't see how fucked up he was, and I can't believe I thought I would be exempt!! What was I thinking?? I saw him manipulate others, and TRY to manipulate me, at first. But I thought I was too smart to be a victim of those behaviors! Ha! Not exempt, not impervious, not so smart. Also, as time passed, I thought no, not me, he loves meeee...riiiight...
I need to break away, but I have no resources. I'm working on that. I still love him, and things will go great for a month, 6 weeks, and I'll forget what a selfish prick he can be. Then BLAM.
I recently posted a whole big "Series of Unfortunate Birthday Events" in the General forum, but I'll pick up here:
He just steamrolled over my 50th birthday (day before yesterday). I had told him a few months ago how big this birthday is for me, how I really didn't see my life this way at 50, I really wanted to celebrate to somehow counterbalance all that. Since he fucked up my birthday last year (1rst bday post DDay), I wanted to give him fair warning that I expected him to treat me well on my birthday, plan ahead, just something(!!)
Of course he did nothing. His birthday is a few days before mine, he practically had a panic attack on his birthday, he had a rough day. I should mention this is the first year I didn't do anything for his birthday. I usually make an effort (see my Unfortunate post), but I just didn't have it in me this year.
Knowing how broke we are, and knowing him, by his birthday I already knew he had nothing planned for mine. So I said - I get paid on my bday, so let's celebrate both birthdays that night, we'll go out to xx for dinner! We agreed this sounded good. A good compromise. Since that's all I ever fucking do is be diplomatic and compromise my ass off. I think the level of compromise is also eating away at me.
Birthday morning, he plays me some birthday songs on Bluetooth, sweet. He makes and brings me coffee (!), love it. He posts an inappropriate music video ("Birthday Sex") to my social media... great.
Work goes fine, we are working together, and at the end of my shift, I go into the breakroom, and the company has surprised me with gourmet cupcakes and a card!! So sweet! No one is in the room except WBF and one other coworker. Of course I'll wait until everyone comes in to take a cupcake. My WBF is seated at the table, eating. He's eating one of my cupcakes. I hadn't even seen them, and he's already eating one. He's eating my birthday cake without me. I thought, this says it all.
That was when the day started to go downhill, I think because I was getting attention. I got paid, but had to take care of a bill, so we had a limited amount of money. Then on the way home, he wanted to borrow $40. We stop by the store and get what he wants. Then I remembered my headlight had gone out, and knowing we would be driving out for birthday dinner, I wanted to grab new lights at the store (my WBF is very handy and can replace the light, no problem) so we stopped and got those. He's becoming agitated, he's 3 hours late taking his BP meds, and still off kilter from being late the previous day.
We finally get home, and he realizes I want him to change the light before we go out, and starts to get angry about it. I said - not right now, come in and relax awhile. He completely explodes. Fit of rage. Yelling at me, not listening to me, being horrible, blame shifting for I don't even know what. I tell him, forget it, we'll stay home, I'd rather have him in a good mood, but it was "TOO LATE!!!" for that. Ignoring what I wanted, he stormed out to work on the car. I started doing dishes, thinking - perfect. Just how I envisioned spending my 50th. I let him have his space, and after about a half hour I went out in the dark to hold a flashlight, but he sent me away, still angry.
Eventually, he finished and came in. I had ton of dishes, so was still doing them. He'd been rotten to me, and I was fine just doing dishes. Eventually, after some time, he wandered into the kitchen and started towel drying the silverware and putting it away (this never happens). Obviously he wants to make up. Pfffft. I continue washing. When I am too tired to do more (I haven't sat down since coming home from work) I go lay down in the room, go on social media - a land where friends are wishing me happy birthday. A land where I am being celebrated and loved. As I am about to go to our bathroom to get ready to go out (in hopes we might still go), WBF comes in with two of the cupcakes, a candle burning in each. (Again, olive branch but no apologies for the awful way he treated me and things he said.) We each make a wish and blow them out. I'm not hungry for cake, it's 8:00pm and I haven't had dinner.
Makeup on, only half my clothes changed because I don't know if we're going, I settle back in to social media for awhile. WBF mentions something, and then apologizes. I said for what? For earlier? He said sorry, I was frustrated. Sorry I ruined your birthday. But the only reason he says sorry, I feel, is so I won't be upset with him. It doesn't change the fact that he treated me horribly and yelled at me on my birthday. I'm waiting. I want HIM to say, let's go out, I'm sorry I was being a douche, let me make it up to you. Let's have that birthday dinner! But do you think that was forthcoming? You know what I had for dinner at 9:00pm on my 50th birthday? I bet you can guess. He drove through McDonald's.
Yesterday, I thought - that's it. There it is. There's no taking back what he did and didn't do for what should have been a loving celebration, an ushering in of a new and better age, a positive beginning to a new part of life. And he just rolls along like nothing happened. I still have that hollow feeling, two days later. Like Waiting for Godot. Every day I feel more diminished than the last.
[This message edited by gottagetpastthis at 4:23 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]