I'm mostly stuck at fears right now, although in my head I know what the reality is to some of them. I thought posting here might help me to get past the fears and give me the strength and courage that I need right now.
Fear: DD will be hurt by having to live in two different places, have different sets of rules/expectations, and she'll have to put up with her dad without me there to be a buffer.
Fear: FWBF really has changed a lot, so maybe DD will even like being with him better than she likes being with me, after all, she will have a good grandma and grandpa and extended family when she is at his house.
Fear: I will not be able to make ends meet financially on my own
Reality: he has never paid his share of anything, so this really shouldn't be too much of an issue. If worst comes to worst I can apply for some aid, or I could even ask my dad for help
Fear: I won't be able to defend my kids and myself at home alone
Reality: chances that someone will break into my house are pretty slim, I will be left with my own guns, I can learn how to shoot them so that if anything were to happen, I could defend us. I don't trust FWBF's judgement anyway, or that he would wake up if there were an intruder, so we are probably better off with me being in charge.
Fear: FWBF's family will hold us splitting up against me
Fear: my kids won't have much of a family with me (my parents suck, they are not good grandparents, my sister lives far away so we never see her, etc.)
Fear: I don't know how to fix things or maintain the home
Reality: I can look it up and probably do it myself. If I can't do it myself I can call a handyman (if I have the money)
Fear: social anxieties. I feel like a loser that I have two children, each with a different dad, I feel like people (especially my family) will judge me harshly. I also don't have my own friends, all the people we socialize with are FWBF's friends.
Fear: being lonely
Reality: I like being by myself, I have two awesome kids to spend as much time as I can with, I have parents, however crappy they are, that I want to make sure I do all that I can to spend at least some time with while they are still here, as well as two aunts that I should spend more time with. I also always have a million things to do that I never seem to get done, maybe without his drama all the time, I could get stuff done and even have time for a hobby or two!
Fear: My kids will prefer to spend holidays at their dad's houses, where there are gatherings of extended families and hundreds of dollars worth of gifts.
Reality: I've always wanted to be able to stay home on holidays, instead of running around to eight different houses. I've always wanted to be able to prepare holiday dinners for my family. My kids and I can make some fun traditions and enjoy holidays together, and they will know that they are about spending time with the people we live, not about what kinds of presents we are getting.
Fear: That I'm making a mistake.
Reality: something that I've wanted for so long can't be a mistake, can it?
Fear: Change. I fear change. It's not comfortable. It's unknown. It's scary.
Reality: Change is inevitable, it's always happening. I can suck it up and get through it and come out better than I have ever been before.
Now how about a few things I can look forward to-
no more drama
no more wastefulness
less mess for me to clean up
less laundry to do
more space without his stuff cluttering things up
no more frustration over doing everything myself when there's an able bodied person laying on the couch
no more frustration that I'm the only one worrying about or paying bills when there's another person who should share the responsibility
I imagine I'll relax, no more tension headaches
No one oggling me, coming up behind me to pretend to hump me, or wanting to have sex with me when I'm doing yoga
No one questioning me about why it took so long to get groceries or why I have to do whatever I'm doing
No more walking on eggshells, I could do what I want, when I want, say what I want to who I want, without getting shit for it
No one teasing and making fun of me constantly!!
No one pushing me to spend my money on things I don't care about or think are necessary
No one pressuring me to go places or do things that I don't want to
I can go to church without someone being jealous, I could even volunteer to help teach the Sunday school
I can plan for my future, without someone else holding me back