LD-LTA far too long. WS/OW same xAP. Divorced/single - D not related to A. Compartmentalization is a bear.

Downward spiral and reminders.

Hikingout asked me: I think maybe the box to start with is what made you accept less than what you should have had?

Xh’s behavior doesn’t excuse mine. I know that. This post might sound like blaming, it’s not. For me, it’s my heavy reminder to not give everything i have away. I never want to experience that isolation and loneliness ever again. I got so overwhelmed by marriage, career, kids, bills, you name it, I carried it all. i moved into survival mode and stayed there for a very, very long time. Surviving isn’t living, surviving isn’t thinking, surviving is putting things on autopilot. I burying the pain so far down it has a different zip-code.

I found this letter when i moved out, and kept it - it helped me rebuild. I will share a paragraph.

"I thought for a long time this weekend about out last conversation and I need to say this and I need you to hear it. First, I think we need outside help, I know you don’t believe in it, but "this" what we do isn’t working. I have faith in you, I love you with everything I am, but I have learned I cannot lean on you. Im falling apart, i can’t, just can’t. The "I can do it all" is a crock of sh*t, is a cover, I do it because there is no other choice, and the cost to me is too high. I can’t continue to look after everything in the house, pay bills, work full time, take care of the kids and your sisters kids without any help. It’s too much.

XH talked a lot about change, I even gave him a list of tangible things he could do, each time his actions showed otherwise. In response I did the I can do it all. Yes, but at what cost. I became a master of hyper-functioning and an empty shell just trying to keep it all together and the thought of leaving was just another check box on an already overloaded plate.

I will hold onto this letter and keep it as reminder.

I am thankful every day that I am no longer living in survival mode.

3 comments posted: Thursday, July 23rd, 2026

The door is closed

LD-LTA is over, did the yes/no maybe so for a couple of years, I finally said no and i mean it. I know this will stick - I am one that once a relationship ends, nothing and I do mean nothing will get me to change my mind.

I am sad but relieved, confused one minute and clear headed the next.

I struggle with how deeply I compartmentalized the A. There are years of pushing stuff in a box.

The why’s need for attention, need for affection, escape, validation. Sounds simple… it’s anything but.

So for now, i think i will just hang around here a bit, and learn.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, July 22nd, 2026