Gut punched and conflicted

Sorry for the long read but it did feel good to write it all out. I left out some details as I didn't want to torture you all with a novel.

Some backstory:
I've been with WS for 11 years. We were friends and sometimes more before that. I helped her leave an abusive relationship and did what I could to help her through that, I lived 4 hours away tho so we decided to finally fully be together and she moved in with me with 2 of her kids. We had normal struggles early on but were deeply in love and our partnership and passion was always very strong. Others would comment on our love and relationship. About 3 years ago she got a difficult job in dealing directly with grieving families that had just lost a loved one and she was not trained properly to deal with it. The company she was working for also misled her and used her which crushed her. She began drinking more and pulling away, just shelling up. Then when her job got worse and more toxic I told her I thought it would be better if she quit. She quit, but her spending increased and money started going in the wrong direction. She ignored and her drinking increased and she pulled away more impacting us. I was hoping she just needed time and tried to be understanding. I would shoulder the load of keeping us going even picking up extra work and looking for a higher paying job or one in an area with a lower cost of living. I hurt my back in December 2023. Self medicated a little with some drinking, then my sleeping and drinking got bad. I was sleeping maybe 3 hours a night, my head was going a million miles an hour as I figured my lack of sleep was making my ADHD go crazy so I'd have to drink to slow it down. As I felt my self going crazier for a year I get medicated for my ADHD and finally sleep some in November. The no sleep, speeding mind, and pressure of keeping everything together took a big toll.

Finding out:
2 weeks ago I get a random text asking if I know a guy with a very generic name. It sounded familiar but I thought it was some new scammer. They kept going, knew my name and my WS name. So I agreed they could call me. She informed me that her husband and my girl had been in a relationship for a long time now. That she had found out before Thanksgiving and has been looking for me since to tell me since no one had. She did not deny it but did try to limit the damage by lying or not being forthcoming. I had a million thoughts racing but needed to know why. She said she had tried to bring up some of "our problems" but I didn't hear her. I told her she was wrong, I was still 100% in the whole time so WE did not have problems. Things slipped in the bedroom the past year but lines up when she was having the affair. She pulled away more while I was spinning not sleeping as I couldn't hear my sub-conscious screaming danger! Talking thru everything and asking a lot of questions it feels like he took advantage of her. This was my conclusion not hers and she kept wanting to take accountability by stating everything was fully mutual. They had been long time friends since high school. He had never hit on her before but as she was in her lowest he pushed things forward. Each escalation was his idea, she only drew a line when he tried to get her to talk about them having a future together.

Since then:
My feelings for her haven't changed. The future I picture for myself still has her in it. The rollercoaster ride now is full of non stop emotional highs, lows, and quick turns. Since we are back to talking more vulnerably and intimately the passion has come back, the long cuddles, and I see her making an effort to fix everything she ignored these past years, so I see more of the girl I fell in love with that I had been waiting to comeback. But I was gut punched and get scared that another shoe will drop, that I missed her so much these past years that I'm willfully blinding myself from fully processing. I have only told my boss since I needed to quickly take a couple days off when I found out. I don't want others influencing me by being overprotective. But is it better to just let her and my wants influence me? Things will be going so well and then a random thought will trigger visions and questions that just won't stop spiraling. We emotionally talk it thru then alot of bed room action for a couple of days, then emotional slipping and the cycle continues. I don't know if this is the best way to process it all.

13 comments posted: Monday, February 3rd, 2025

Anyone want to chat 1 on 1?

I've wrote and deleted a couple of posts already.I don't know what to narrow it all down to in an open post. I found out 2 weeks ago my long term partner of over 10 years had a year long affair, his wife was the one that told me. Just struggling with alot and if anyone wants to connect feel free to PM. I do better 1 on 1 I guess I'm just really guarded right now.

2 comments posted: Saturday, February 1st, 2025