My Selfish Deceitful life. Hating every breath of me

Here is my story. I have received hate from so many people in reddit and hoping this space will give me some strength. My story must be one of the worst around here. Please spend sometime to read.

I cheated my whole marriage. I am an Indian women coming from an orthodox family and my virtue is one of the precious thing. However i sold that for sweet talks and gestures and now i have a ruined an amazing person's life. I also ruined my own life and now standing at the end of the life.

I lost my virginity at 21 to my current AP. I met him at my workplace and approached him to connect. He took me to his house and started devouring me. Why did i let him do it? Million dollar question. A age 12, i was attracted to my PE teacher's son. He was 20+ years old. He knew i liked him and i will go visit him when the teacher is not around sometimes and he will push me in bed and start kissing me and feeling me up. Another question i have what a 12 year old is doing going to a guy alone? Since 5/6 year old I have had incidents where i have been felt up while sleeping. I always pretended to just sleep and move around so they will stop.

During my college days, I developed friendship with a guy with whom i will go to computer centers and let him feel my breasts. I also ended up dating him in my adulthood. While i dated him for 4 years, every time my AP comes from out of town i will go to him. He was my sex partner but i never felt comfortable/shameless. I was always was this shy girl who will be uncomfortable to go when he calls and then goes running. Will hide between the sheets and was even shy to be naked around him.I will go let him do it his way and don't even ask for what i want in sex because i didn't know. I was that naive to even not know how the orgasm feels but still slept around. I also cheated on my boyfriend with 2 other guys for no reason. He never knew. I broke up after sometime as we ended up having other problems too.

A year after in 2013 I got married to this amazing man who was a virgin. He was so innocent and a good loving man. Right after marriage he caught my emails to my exes with messages and half naked pics to AP. He was devastated and i lied through my teeth. He believed and hoped thats it. That was his BIG MISTAKE. He invited the devil inside. Few months later, he found some text messages and said this is it. I tried to commit suicide and called 911. He got scared and stayed with me. My husband could not keep up for more than a few mins. I think partly psychological. I started missing sex. Next year 2014, when i visited my home town, went to meet AP and cheated on my husband for the first time. I remember feeling guilty immediately and vowed not to do it again. What kind of person does that?

We had our first kid in 2015 and everything was good. However, time to time i was still in contact with my AP and also my ex. Got caught chatting with AP end of 2016 and begged for him to forgive me. He always its just chatting. He never knew the depth of it. He feels so stupid and hates himself now for being that naive. I was never caught after that but kept in touch with my AP and ex time to time. Sometimes AP will ask for video call to show my breasts and i will do it. In 2018, i also chatted with 2 other guys old friends. Just flirting. No sane person would do that.

In 2020, i had my second kid and was confronted by AP's wife. She saw some old pics and was very pissed. She called me names and scolded very badly. I promised on my kids i would never contact him and deleted all the communication channels. But there i was trying to call his office in 2021 to yell at him about how his wife confronted me and he never bothered to check in. I kept that communication channel open but never really bothered to keep in touch and broke it off few months after.

In 2022, when i went to take care of my husband's mom, I met with ex. He has asked numerous times but don't know why i said yes that time. We met in a hotel since we knew lot of people in the city and i was sure not to have sex so i told him not to bring condoms. But i am going to lie i wanted to feel some romance. Since my second kid i started having lot of urges out of control.

Now this year couple of months ago, My AP reached out. He was visiting this country and wanted to catch up. Things between my husband and I were great. Over the years we have developed good intimacy and closeness. He started making sure i reach orgasm. We never did oral as he was into hygiene. In early years i tried telling him to go to doctor. He never did but lately he improved little bit and tried other delaying methods. But still the urges was too much.

Both my sons started to school and i started getting into porn. It slowly developed into big like i did everyday sometimes twice and even during periods. While husband is sleeping upstairs. Before i realize it was uncontrollable. I was not working and had health issues for a year which made sex less exciting.

When my AP reached out i was in my senses and i said no. I even read blogs about wanting to cheat and read about how it affects. Somehow part of me wanted it though. After a week he pinged and told all the things he knew to make me fall. Thats it. I was like a different person, planning everything. I had sent my husband to go say goodbye to his sick aunt. This was before AP came in the picture. I was that good wife. When he came back looking at him, i thought i could never do this to this person. But watching porn i got so addicted to oral sex every part of me wanted to feel that. It was like a fight between consciousness and desire. It was too strong and i ended up cheating again. While my husband was mourning his aunt and taking care of kids, i went to hotel and had sex with AP for couple of hours. I was supposed to meet him again but between that my conscious reared its head and i called AP and cried. But still i went on friday but hoped to just meet him outside. He didn't want to come and i said no to sex. How nice would've been if i just came home after that. But the devil inside me showed its work. He asked multiple times i said no and we talked on phone and half n hour later I am in a hotel with him. With all the back and forth, we had a quick session in 15 mins. Who would in the right sense have a quickie with a AP who they meet after 10 years?

I felt fine for a week. After that, the guilt and shame was so much that I couldn't face my husband. Cried everyday for 2 weeks and couldn't even sleep next to him. I hated looking myself in the mirror. A month after i just blurted out. When i started telling him i never thought i will tell everything. I trickle truth was a week and i told everything. Honest and brutal truth that crushed him into pieces. Everything since my childhood came out. I thought i will better after that. But 1 month since DDay i lie awake every night and crying like i have never cried in my life. There is a rock in my chest that is so hard. Every min of every day i hate myself for doing this to this person. Even now he is still trying to make me feel ok. I feel so ashamed to the core for betraying and deceiving this person so badly. He is stuck with me because of kids. I am breaking down everytime i see him and i am not giving him space to vent his anger.

I am in IC now and he is doing it as well. My childhood wasn't great. Dad threw and abused mom. Not always. He also abused brother. My mom who couldnt take all this will yell at me. Never had a good relation. My brother and I never talked being in the same house. My brother was traumatized too. He is doing ok. How the hell did i turn into this disgusting vile of a person who screwed up a kind hearted persons life? He values family so much. I never wanted to be like my mom for kids. But what i did now is much worse than my mom. The thought that i even cheated on them is gut wrenching. Just for my pleasure, i betrayed a beautiful family and hurt them so much.

I don't have any hope my marriage will survive this. Honestly, it was all a lie. I broke this person and crushed him. He seem to think something deeper is going on with me. My therapist told the same. Looking into every aspect of my life with a zooming lens makes me not recognize myself.

Do i have chance to bee anything closer to normal and be a decent mom? My husband still is not ready to give up. He wants divorce and he doesn't want to break the home. Will do live in and he wants to see if i am truly remorseful and will change. He says he will reconsider being a family if i really put in the effort. I feel like maybe he shouldn't. He deserves much much better than me. I know i am coming across as a self pitying person. Trying not to do that. Not doing a good job though.

Please tell me if there is anyway i can help my husband heal and be less self pitying. I am not worried about marriage. Anyway old one was lie. If there is anything we developed over the years, then that will connect us back maybe in future. But right now I want to do everything i can to be there for him and figure out where did all go wrong. Someday i want to be able to look in the mirror and love what i see from inside out.

3 comments posted: Monday, November 18th, 2024