Feeling so lost and empty

On October 3rd, I received a message on Instagram from a stranger telling me about my husband’s affair with his co-worker. I confronted him right away, and he admitted to it. My heart was racing, and the moment he confessed, it dropped. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I kicked him out of the house, and the next 24 hours were a blur—I was in complete shock, lying in bed, wide awake, shaking uncontrollably. For context, we’ve been together for 9 years, married for 2, and we don’t have kids.

The next day, he came by to pick up some clothes, and we had a conversation. He was so out of it and told me that he was never really in love with me—because, according to him, he had never loved himself. We talked about getting a divorce, and I truly thought that was the end of us. I felt devastated, heartbroken, and overwhelmed in ways I can't even begin to describe.

For days, I couldn’t eat. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks. It was brutal, and honestly, it still is.

A week later, he said he wanted to "fix" things. He kept apologizing, telling me he had messed up and that all he wanted was to be with me. It only left me feeling more confused. He started individual therapy, signed us up for couples therapy, and I began therapy on my own as well.

Through therapy, I’ve realized just how broken our relationship had been, even before the affair. I’m not justifying what he did in any way, but it's made me question so much about my reality. The affair lasted about a month and had already ended before I found out. He later apologized for what he said the day after D day, explaining that he was in shock at the time.

He says the affair was like a "game" to him. He needed to feel validation, and that's what he got. He says he never felt an emotional or even physical attraction to her? I don't know if that's even possible.

I should also bring up the fact that during our entire relationship he always had issues texting female co-workers a bit too friendly and I always had an issue with this. Which now looking back should have been my red flag...but I always thought he'd get better or stop.

Now, I find myself asking: Is this even worth trying to save? I know it’s still so fresh, but will the triggers ever go away? My anxiety feels overwhelming. Even the idea of being in another relationship seems terrifying—how will I ever trust again?

2 comments posted: Tuesday, October 29th, 2024