Found out.... repentant this time

My Wife was diagnosed bi-polar last year, after my insistence that she go see a therapist who then referred her to a psychologist. she was in a rough place and suicidal. I was genuinely worried about her and it helped that there was prior experience with this problem early on in the marriage. been together 20+ years and about a year into our marriage she cheated with two co-workers... Excuse, I wasn't giving her sex as often as she needed. She was generally unrepentant about it then and basically put it all on me that I was with-holding from her. I wasn't intentionally , I am a once of week kind of person, and when I am overloaded and stressed that can stretch longer. We focused on the marriage and each other after she confessed. kids grew up and now we only have one left in the house During that time , never went to a therapist (honestly couldn't afford to) and I just worked on us as I figured it was my fault and I needed to push past it. So up to this point i felt we had built a pretty strong marriage on the ashes of what was. I felt far more strongly in love with her than the day we married. which when you are young you cant help but think this is as strongly you could ever feel about someone.
fast forward this summer. right after a sex session. she starts crying and saying she needs to tell me something but shes afraid I am going to leave her. and suddenly it all comes rushing back and I know exactly what she is going to say.She cheated a year prior, during the rough patch , with I guess we can call it a co-worker but not really. my head is spinning and i cant say a thing except... i gotta go. I go for a drive to get away from her. on my way back i pick up a six pack and proceed to have em all. I'm not a big drinker... I maybe have a drink a month ... and i mean "A" drink. so drinking a six pack means Im skunked. I don't blow up at her, I don't make snide comments... i cant even say much. she explains that it was during that time before medication and it was once... and that she hasn't had an episode since the medication.
I am not leaving her. No matter how i feel , i feel its unjustified. As stupid as hell as that may sound to some of you. she had a genuine problem, and her therapists believe this has been a lifelong problem for her.
the questions keep running through my head...could I have prevented this if i got her to a therapist sooner? there is the unanswerable question of why? which inevitably leads down the rabbit hole of all the hurtful things ever said during the relationship.. which of course makes one feel unworthy of ever being loved.
she has been very transparent through this... putting on a tracking app on her phone (she suggested) constant communication as to her plans and whereabouts. it obviously doesn't make me instantly trust her. I know this will take years to "get over" whatever the hell that means.
It's still fresh... months on , obviously it wont disappear over night. every part of mean want to track down the AP's wife and let her know..which of course i wont do. I feel like my life is a sad joke. I bust my hump for my wife and family and ... this is what i get to live with. happiness is a lie.... its just a lull until you get to the next kick in the balls. the people who claim they care about you the most.... always let you down in the most hurtful ways. if you ever get a chance.. look up Type O negative's song Anesthesia . perfectly discribes my mental state.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, October 29th, 2024