I want to be better. Everything is a jumbled mess. Please help.

I'm not really sure where to start, but I'll start somewhere and edit/add more as needed.

Married 12 years to BW. As a WH, I've always felt compelled to have a "side thing" for attention and validation. I'm not sure why I've always felt like I need to be validated and receive attention. I suppose it might have something to do with my childhood as a chubby kid and never getting much attention from women while also being obsessed with sex for as long as I've known. Maybe it's that my childhood was one that was not devoid of love, but it was full of alcoholics and abuse.

Why is that important? I've had about 4 "side conversations" where I'd be seeking attention from women I knew. And they knew I was married. And it changed over the years. BW would find out, there'd be a fight, and things would calm down. Repeat.

Recently, however, I did have a ONS with someone I've known for a long time. It was almost 2 years ago, and it was something I had some enjoyment from (as I got the attention and validation I wanted) but it didn't do much for me otherwise. However, it was complicated. At that time, the BW and I had a lull in our sex life and overall appreciation for each other. I was preoccupied with a new job and preparing for a lengthy deployment. The preparations meant long, hard days and little time together. Now BW has a difficult time displaying affection outwardly as she "never learned how", and I accept that it is part of the package. However, I crave those outward shows of affection. The ONS AP was twirling her hair, laughing at all my jokes, playfully placing her hand on my lap or shoulder from time to time. It was like an intoxicant. It was all of the things I craved and "needed" just from the wrong woman. I couldn't resist, and I leaned into it. The rest was just an escalation until I felt too guilty to continue (in the middle of the deed) and excused myself and left shortly thereafter. But the problem was, I couldn't forget how she lusted after me. She sent me text messages talking about how much she wanted more, and how she wanted me to do it again. I was hooked for some days. I'm not sure how long. But it was the excitement of feeling seen, of feeling wanted, of feeling desired. After having receiving little-to-no physical or body language affection, I was drunk as if I had 4 beers after 2 years sobriety. But eventually I had to stop. It fizzled and I felt nothing but the void of that validation and attention. I cared for the AP, but, not in an overly emotional way. I had no desire to find her and go back to her.

But I did have to deal with my withering relationship at home.

It seemed as if the best option was to just say nothing and "grieve" on my own (it wasn't really grieving, so much as feeling guilty about the ONS). I dealt with it myself, and I thought I should bear the weight of my actions and spare my BW the news. I thought it the best thing.

Then I left for deployment. To say that my mental fortitude was tested is an understatement. I was not kind to my BW. My frustration and disappointment ended up spewing vitriol in her direction, and how I felt like I had wasted my life and my youth with someone that did not want to live life and wanted to cage what was left of my youth. I told her that I resented her for carrying her for 10 years while she was too mentally ill with depression to carry on a solid job and contribute much to the household (it's not strictly true). In reality while her depression made the first 10 years of our marriage a struggle, I still felt like she was worth it. I was her caretaker and first line of defense against herself.

Why is this important? Because it's so hard for me to feel sorry for her anymore. I do, but its like there's a wall around my heart now. It's like I have caregiver fatigue and I just am hardened and callused. I hate it. I hate it so much. I want to be better. I need to be better for her and our daughter.

D-day came roughly 3 months ago. Background: happen to be getting into "swinging" post-deployment as we had a brilliant reconnection once I came home. I'd never felt so close, honest, and connected to her. Our sexual chemistry had always been good-to-great, but it became electric. We were enjoying each other with other people and it made everything wonderful for many months. I was obsessed with her. But then she found text messages on an iPad that I had deleted from my phone, but they weren't deleted there. It was everything the AP and I had talked about almost 2 years prior.

Since then, we have had ups and downs. But, I just couldn't stop myself. We attracted members of the opposite sex, and I happen to attract a woman that lived across the country. We swapped sexual pictures and words with each other, and talked often. I hid it from BW. I don't know why. Why did I do this? I thought she might take away my new toy - even though we had 100% transparency during all swinging interactions, I did it again! Why am I so stupid?

But it was because I felt validated and desired again. BW desires me and loves me, but even at the height of our sexual reconnection, I was the aggressor and she liked it that way. She still does. But the aggressor not only in physical acts and touch, but in exuding appreciation for her body, the way she dresses, and any way to make her feel secure, sexy and loved. Maybe it's the only way I know how to express love. She did not return it quite how I had anticipated, and after a while I started to lose hope that I'd feel the same level that I had before. The level of lust and fire that I craved. Once I had a taste of it again, I just had to keep it going. In order to keep it going, I had to hide it.

I'm so ashamed.

Well she of course found out, and all of my previous acts, the physical part, and then relapsing during the healing process... she's beside herself. I've never seen her so hurt.

I keep being defensive but I'm reading the posts here to learn to stop. I keep reading and reading. But inside I am starting to collapse and lose hope. I know we will weather this but will I never change? Will I always feel like my youth is slipping and I need to seize the opportunity? There's so much to unpack and I don't know where to even begin. I've been shutting down recently. I let BW make all of the decisions. Whatever activity she wants, whatever food she wants, whatever timeline she wants. I just forgo all of my wants and needs to try and make it up to her. I feel true sorrow that I caused this and hurt her so badly. That's why I need to get better, and be better. I don't think I'll ever get the outward affection that I crave but it's a small price to pay for everything else she does and is just about the most wonderful mother I've ever met. I adore her and cherish her. I just want her to be happy.

Tomorrow is my first therapy appointment. I don't know where to begin with this one. Any help is greatly appreciated.

2 comments posted: Thursday, October 3rd, 2024