I know it's not my fault but.. is it actually my fault?

Hello all, and thank you to everyone who has shared their insights and wisdom here. It’s been enormously helpful to my spouse and me so far.

Summary of why I’m here – Married 12+ years. I found out a couple of months ago about my husband’s ONS with an old friend from high school. They continued it for 1-2weeks via chat, and he later reached out to her hoping to rekindle things, which didn’t end up happening.

He also conducted what I’d consider a "light" but ongoing EA with a previous lover for multiple years off and on, basically since we were married (no longer happening). And there are more "minor" incidents (with other people) that have become huge deals in light of the above.

I am experiencing a lot of confusion about one aspect of this situation and would really appreciate insights. I’m an extremely insecure person and have struggled with depression for my entire life, which has obviously greatly impacted our relationship.

Where I get confused is in feeling like maybe our situation is "unique" – that despite everything you read about cheating being a choice unaffected by the BS’s behavior, perhaps it is in fact my fault for being basically a freeloader for the first 6-7 years of marriage, and not giving him the affection and attention he desired. Like him, I can be a black hole w/r/t validation and attention, although I obviously act it out differently.

I could write a lot here defending myself and explaining my contributions to the relationship, but I don’t think it’s necessary. If he were to argue that I have not done nearly enough to truly address my depression and negativity over the years, I think that is fair. (I am in IC now, and it is very helpful, but I am not putting in as much work as I should.)

He is extremely defensive and very good at turning the situation onto me, convincing me it was my fault. I truly believe he does this unconsciously/reflexively. He says, in so many words, he feels so exhausted by being the "bad guy" that he doesn’t feel it’s fair in this case, and that if I wasn’t sad about this, I would be about something else anyway.

There is truth to this; in the first years of our marriage, we were both quite dysfunctional and I did blame him for much of it.

SO, I guess my question is – are there instances where the BS should be held accountable in this way? And regardless, how can we approach this productively – I do not want him to feel like he is the only one who needs to change; but still, I feel so betrayed and like this is such an extreme overstepping. Part of me does think, if you were so unhappy before, why didn’t we divorce? Why did you choose instead to crush me like this?

THANK YOU if you read my novel, which I didn’t mean to go on so long. Happy to be told to go do my research and then come back 😊 I have definitely been reading around the site, but just am having such a hard time believing that I deserve for someone to put in the full effort to win back my trust.

18 comments posted: Wednesday, October 2nd, 2024