Unexpected Confrontation

A confession update! The last 10 hours have been rather mad and unexpected.

She came in late last night after going out drinking with friends (confirmed).

I unexpectedly felt it was the right setting to confront her on what was going on in the background.

I did it so very gently, no raised voice, no throwing evidence at her. I initially asked about it being the end for us, and if so wanting to move it on quickly and swiftly.

I explained how our friendship was so precious to us and I don’t feel we have that, we don’t have the trust and integrity and if anything we need it for the kids.

I said I know what is going on from what I saw on her phone. She resisted a number of times though I reinforced with further pieces of evidence.

I continued being calm and asking how it would feel if the roles were reversed. Saying that she had more than a friendship with him.

I said how I have no one else in the picture, though indirectly said that wasn’t the case for her.

If she wants a separation to know what she wants then it’s need to be a level playing field.

I again said about needing honesty and being open.

I feel if she carries on with anything now that it is on the table, then we are done.

6 comments posted: Saturday, August 31st, 2024

Affair, Distraction, Midlife Crisis?

Hello,

I am a new member here that was advised to post my story.

A lot has gone in the last 6 weeks so I will try and capture as best as I can. We have been together just over 10 years and have two young kids, we are NOT married, and currently still living in the same house.

6 weeks ago while drinking one evening she said her passion for us had disappeared which was a shock to me.

The following 2 weeks my mind and body was in fight or flight mode, quite horrible. We continued to regularly talk, saying how sorry she was with the situation, and she didn't know her feelings with how they had changed, including the line "she loves me though not in love with me".

I am more than happy to help her work through to the next phase of her life in any way I can, however my gut was screaming that there was more to this.

From losing her phone all the time around the house, to now it never leaving her side and being much more secretive caused alarm bells to ring, tied together with lots of texting that was quite secretive.

Some texts I was able to oversee were quite a few racy messages, suggesting she has been contact with someone. While I am so tempted to confront, I am trying to allow myself time to process and do the right thing for myself and our kids, and know the knock on effect, particularly as are going to be living together for the foreseeable future due to finances.

With her changing overnight with very little reasoning I started doing lots of reading, audiobooks listening, and Googling research and so many of the signs point to a mid-life crisis with how she changed since the bomb drop - emotionally and physically distanced, lying, change in clothing, "you deserve better", very emotional and teary with highs and lows, and just seeming like there's multiple personalities in there. There's a high chance of hormones (perimenopause) adding to the mix.

I've dug deep since this happened though now feel much more calmer and grounded. I've found myself a good therapist to deal with the initial trauma and started journaling.

While I have found a therapist, suggesting she finds a therapist for herself or as a couple was met with resistance.

I have been following much of the MLC advice on focusing on what I can control and working on myself, which I will carry on doing so.

If she is going through a MLC and I stand and wait for her, wondering if/when she comes out of the tunnel she'll have a reality check that we can then work through, though I know the timeframe on that is unknown, if at all. There is then the challenge of trust, and shattering what we had...she used to have such high integrity and honesty.

This feels like some crazy horror film that I play the main character.

Thanks for reading, and any thoughts you may share.

17 comments posted: Wednesday, August 28th, 2024