Considering reconciliation - how do I know WS is doing the right things?

Hi everyone

About 5 weeks ago I discovered WH was having a 1.5 year long affair with a woman he met in AA. I found out when I saw a text message I wasn't meant to see. I wasn't even snooping. He was showing me a picture someone sent him on his phone, and there was a suspicious text from her at the top of his inbox. Immediately I knew something was off.

Long story short, he eventually came clean. D-day was brutal. I got the gist of the truth, then he continued to trickle truth me over the next 2 weeks with details he initially lied about. This was a PA and somewhat of an EA; they were sober buddies after all. WH moved out after the first couple days to stay with family (at my request), so I continued to hound him about details, timeline, "how could you's", whatever emotionally driven thing was on my mind over the phone and text. I'm the type of person who wants to know every single thing.

WH says he wants to reconcile. For the last 3 weeks or so, he says he's been completely transparent and honest. To his minimal credit, he is answering every inane and lascivious question I throw at him. I don't know if I believe him, but whatever. I spoke to some attorneys in the weeks after D-day only to learn that I stand to lose more than he does if things went sideways in a divorce (financially speaking at least; I'm the higher earner and always have been, with a higher earning potential in general. Can you imagine if I had to pay this mf-er alimony? Absolutely not.) Worth mentioning we have no children.

I've been listening to and reading some of Esther Perel's work to try to understand infidelity as a whole, and she says something interesting in one of her talks. Basically, most adults in the western world will have 2-3 major romantic partners in their lives. After infidelity, the marriage as you know it is over. The question is then - do you want your next marriage/major relationship to be with the same person, or someone new?

My questions that bring me to this message board is: how do you determine if reconciling is worth it, and how do you know they're doing the "right" things to reconcile?

My WH is doing the following, mostly of his own accord:

-I have full access to his computer, which he left at home with me (meaning I have access to all text messages, emails, etc.)
-Location sharing on 24/7 and will be for the rest of his life, if I were to stay
-Going to men's only AA and NA groups, multiple times a week again for the rest of his life, if I were to stay
-Is in IC
-Cut off contact with AP and wrote her a final NC letter, which I read and will mail this week (I'm in contact with OBS, so I warned him it was coming so he can read it if he wants :))
-Texting me daily to check in and see how I'm feeling. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't.
-Does not get defensive when I ask him the same kinds of questions over and over (there was a few times where he got defensive in the beginning but I shut that down real quick)
-Brought up and suggested a postnuptial agreement as a way to make me more comfortable so I could protect my assets. I had never heard of this before and did my own research, including speaking to multiple attorneys about how they function in my state. Turns out, they are legit if done correctly.
-Wrote out a detailed timeline of the affair at my request, including every date/time/location they were physical as far as he can remember (at my request)
-Cut off the friend group he manipulated to hide the affair
-Wants to go to MC but I think we both need more time in IC before that happens
-Is selling some of his expensive hobby-related items to offset the cost of me buying a new bed because he brought AP into our home and I could not stand sleeping in the bed they were intimate in

We're still so early in this process and I'm so hurt/devastated/angry/betrayed etc so I won't make any decisions until I'm more emotionally stable. I'm also in IC on my own. I'm just so confused and lost. Would love to hear other's perspectives.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, September 17th, 2024

Just over 2 weeks out from D-Day. Struggling.

Just over 2 weeks ago, I saw a text on my WH's phone. I wasn't even snooping. He was showing me a picture someone else sent him, and when he closed out of the pic, there was the flirty text from his AP, sitting at the top of his messages. Immediately I knew something was off. I asked him about it, he tried to deny it, then I asked to see his phone. He started to delete the texts from her but I grabbed his phone in time. There were only a few days worth of messages between them because he had been deleting them, but it was enough. I confronted him. He trickle truthed the confession. We went around and around for over an hour. I was strangely calm as I learned it'd been going on for a year and a half. They met up regularly. I know AP and her husband quite well; they've had us over for dinner, we've gone to events together, all while this affair was ongoing.

WH and AP met in AA as they are both in active recovery. I supported WH as he got sober and never once pushed or questioned him on the friends he made or time he spent with AA friends. In fact, the catalyst for his sobriety was that he had a ONS with a different woman years ago when we were together. He was drunk when he did it and confessed to me outright. He admitted to his drinking problem. We worked on our issues (or so I thought) and eventually got married. We'd been happy for the last several years. I thought we were solid. I trusted him; I never snooped. I was committed to him for life, just like I promised in our vows.

Shortly after I found about the affair, I called AP's husband and told him. I knew I would want someone else to tell me if the situation was reversed. AP's husband was shocked and devastated, but he thanked me for telling him. I told my own WH to never contact AP again, but of course he did the second he had the chance. He told her that I knew right as I was telling AP's husband. I'm glad AP's husband got the truth from me before AP had the chance to spin some lies.

WH is now staying with family about an hour away while I stayed in our home. For the last two weeks, he has continued to trickle truth me even though every conversation he says that's it, that's everything, that's the whole truth. I learned he's been DMing other woman on social media about having a crush on them, telling them they're beautiful, etc. even though he was seeing his AP regularly and our marriage and intimacy was solid (or at least I believed it was). He says it was for validation. Every work trip I took over the last 1.5 years, he brought AP into our home. Just the other day, he finally confessed to bringing AP into the bedroom despite promising me they never did anything in there, only in the living room. Every time he went to an AA meeting or event, they met up and got physical. They called each other "sobriety husband and wife" and at one point, he referred to himself as her boyfriend. He also admitted to abusing his prescription drugs over the last 6 months. He says he's stopped them.

I know this affair isn't about me. I was a fantastic spouse to him, supporting him through school, his sobriety, all of his little side projects that often got expensive. I take great care of myself. I'm good looking enough that I get hit on all the time when I go out with friends. I've never acted on anything of course, but I know what value I bring to a relationship. I'm creative. I'm the higher earner in this marriage. I'm well-connected because I work hard and treat people well.

He sought out a woman who was at "his" level who made him feel like a big man. Or something.

He is apologetic and desperate now that I kicked him out of the house. He says he wants to make amends. He says he wants to reconcile and save this marriage. He read that book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" after he saw I bought it on Amazon just to read for myself. He's going to mens only AA meetings. He takes every verbal lashing I give him. I have his computer at home with me to monitor his texts, emails, etc., but as I learned the other day, he's still logging into his social media. He deleted those DMs to other women (not AP) just a couple of days ago, and only told me because I figured out that he was logged into that social media on his phone at his family's house, even after he made a big show of deleting all his social media in front of me.

I won't make a decision about our marriage when I'm such a fraught emotional state, and I am so, so angry. The rage is nearly all-consuming. I can barely focus. I want to punish him and her. There are moments were I'm overwhelmingly sad, but I'm mostly mad. White-hot anger that overwhelms me. I know that I can only make these huge decisions when I have some mental and emotional clarity, but I don't know when that will be. I started seeing a therapist and have hope that will help. I have supportive friends and family. I'm trying to take care of myself with exercise, eating something, etc.

How do you process the rage? How do I function in my life when I'm so angry and devastated?

9 comments posted: Thursday, August 29th, 2024