Intimacy exercises?

Sorry if this has been posted before, I can’t find a search bar on this site to check.
I was wondering if anyone has any good suggestions for intimacy exercises you were told about? I don’t mean anything saucy! I heard about just hugging each other for a length of time with boundaries for anything else. I’m struggling at the moment with a lack of libido, I get horrible mind images of the photos my husband had taken with himself and the women he slept with. We had the hysterical bonding stage but I just have no desire at the moment. I make myself do it but I find it very difficult. We are 3 years post d day and my husband is dissatisfied with how little sex we have. I’d say it’s about once every two weeks max. I know this isn’t enough, the problem is that he was unhappy with my libido before which he says led him to doing what he did. Now I feel trapped because I just can’t make my libido change, I’ve tried coming off citalopram but I’m not doing well off it which isn’t helping my libido either. Then the stress of putting a strain on things because of my libido makes things worse. It’s like this horrible vicious circle. I’m trying to condense this so it’s not too much of a ramble. We both love each other, we both are committed to making this work. My husband has expressed real remorse. I find myself getting cross about him wanting more intimacy because I feel he created this mess but also guilty and sorry because I made him unhappy before he did what he did. It’s not that I didn’t fancy him or still don’t, it’s a combination of burnt out mum, low self esteem and maybe hormones, u don’t know? Any help gratefully received.

6 comments posted: Friday, October 11th, 2024

Trouble going to sleep, low mood

I was wondering if anyone else has this trouble? I am nearly three years in and hate being in my own thoughts. I have had individual counselling and couples counselling. I have flagged up already that I’m not doing well at the moment. I don’t know all the stages but it’s almost as if the adrenaline has finally left me and I’m not in a good place. I find myself staying up late, I scroll through my phone or play Tetris until I can’t keep my eyes open. It’s the only way I can cope with falling asleep, I just don’t want to have any thoughts any more. I’m keeping the kids going well, school work, their social life etc. I maintain a facade in front of friends/strangers that I’m fine, to the point where I almost try to be the life and soul in a social situation and feel totally burnt out after. I don’t really want to be around anyone but feel weirdly lonely. Does anyone else struggle with sleep or their own overthinking? I genuinely fear having to try to sleep normally rather than crashing out at 2am.
I know someone kindly suggested a trauma therapist. I’m weirdly resistant to the thought of any more therapy. I feel talked out and also feel frightened that anyone who maybe accidentally handles the situation insensitively, might tip me over the edge. I was on 60mg of citalopram but I was recommended to come off that to help with my ME. I was also told to come off HRT for the same reasons. I don’t really know where else to turn. I don’t want to take sleeping tablets as my husband works away so I can’t afford to be groggy solo parenting. I don’t feel that being doped up is the answer.
Why am I struggling more 3 years in than how I was doing 2 years ago?
Anyone relate?

13 comments posted: Monday, October 7th, 2024

Overwhelmed and needing positivity

I’ve been looking at various posts on this site for a couple of weeks.
I feel the need to share my story but I’m scared and overwhelmed. There’s so much to say I don’t know where to start. I’m so frightened about my children finding out that I’m terrified of leaving a search history trail. Because of this I’m scared of giving too much detail that they could realise it’s me. I am doing my best to leave no search history.
I am the BW.
I have children that I’m hoping are totally unaware of any problems between my husband and I. (Other than your average minor disagreements which I always try not fo hide from the children so they get a balanced idea that relationships have some flaws).
I am I think 3 years from d-day, everything is a blur.
I feel I should be doing better this far in but I’m just a broken person.
We are working hard to keep our marriage together, I do feel that we both want it to work and that my husband is genuinely sorry and has no intentions to cheat again, but equally my eyes are wide open to the fact that people surprise you. He was the last person I would have expected to have done what he did. It was the biggest shock of my life.
He didn’t have an EA, he joined a swingers group and met with people. I discovered it when I saw photos on his phone. I was far from family in lockdown and had no option but to cope and stay in the house which in some ways may have been a blessing but in other ways was incredibly lonely and tough. My children were in the house the whole time because of lockdown so I never got a chance to just crumble, I had to put a mask on the whole time.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this, I’m only touching on the minimum of the trauma that went on. I suppose I need a light at the end of the tunnel because I’m faltering. Any stories of couples who managed to stay together and live happily ever after?
It’s like all my foundations and stability has been swept away. I have lost all my friends because I don’t want them to know, they will hate him and it’s such a juicy story even the best of people would struggle not to spread it around. I never want it to get back to my children, they idolise him and I don’t want to damage their wellbeing. I’m so overwhelmed and fearful. I’m a shell of who I was, I can act happy and confident in front of people but I find it drains me more and more which makes me isolate myself more and more. I know I sound dramatic but my heart has genuinely hurt since I found out. He broke it. I can understand why they call it a ‘broken heart’ now.
I can feel really strong and powerful in how together I am one day and the next I’m just a paranoid under confident wreck.
I feel like I’ve been put in an impossible position, I have to live with a lie for the rest of my life, I feel totally burdened with it.
I really don’t want to consider divorce as an option, although I have said that my line in the sand is that if he ever does anything like that again it is 100% over. I feel very confident I would follow through on that. I do feel everyone deserves one chance though and I also want to be able to tell my children that I did everything I could if our marriage does fail in the end.
I’ve never posted about it. I’m nervous but hoping this site might help me. Sorry for the ramble.

9 comments posted: Thursday, August 22nd, 2024