What to expect when your expecting(?)

First post here, and sorry if I am not up on all the structure / acronyms etc

TL;DR: What should I be thinking of / expecting in this situation - what does effort / reconciliation about look like?

Attempt at brief on summary of situation
- We have been married for 13 years, with 2 tween children
- Day after Father in law passed, received notification about rating a recent hotel stay on tablet
- Did some digging found multiple day use only of Hotel stays every 2-3 weeks for past 2-3 months
- Kept investigating and supporting all the stuff around funeral events etc
- Day before funeral she receives an eMail from the other guy (who was her brothers best friend) with a list of
accommodation options for a weekend getaway
- Both days of the funeral (formal buddhist / toaist) he was there
- On first night of funeral could tell something wasn't right with me - asked about Hotels - she said it wasn't
what I thought, but would talk to me after the following day
- Straight after funeral on 2nd day and family events, dropped her nephew home to go see him (to end things according to her)
- Told me hotels stuff was for work related things, and could talk to colleague, confronted about Guy and where she was then, and all was reveled.

-Supposedly affair only last 2-3 months / no discussion on us, or her dads illness etc - feels it was escapism
-Supposedly whilst there was the hotels - he was only there for an hour or less and most they ever got to was oral
(felt still to guilty yet to go further)...

- Since then I have had my cousin, my grandfather and I had previously to this some former colleagues pass away (7 deaths in 3 months)

Stuff about supporting reconciliation
- Both of us made a commitment to trying to work this out with path to couples counseling etc
- Since the event she has been more expressive in both emotional expression and physical touch (was always looking for me to start anything and get mad if I didn't blames her heritage / upbringing)
- I have attended several individual counseling sessions etc, and trying to create some time for myself - but holding off on the next one to see what she is responding with)
- She attended 1 telehealth session AFTER I had to push her several times, they asked her to read some specific books (I got them for her kindle)
- She hasn't read the books, she hasn't had a follow-up session
- A couple weeks ago, I was so mad and messaged her about not prioritising us (always other things, family, kids, work etc) she didnt want to talk about it to later that day, I got fed up and went to go for the rest of the day and we talked
- I had asked her ages ago to write a letter to me detailing why she loves me etc (trying for reconnect and confirmation - that was almost 90 days ago, still waiting letter)
- Admitted that she is a mess, that everything with her dad and this is to much and she just doesnt want to think about it
- Promised to have another session to start working on this, or at least something, emailed to make another session, nothing and hasn't bothered calling

I am skipping lots of other odds and ends, to make this not to much of an essay but just context but

What the hell does reconciliation even look like?
What is reasonable expectations? Am I expecting too much? Like her doing something to understand the situation, take responsibility? Atonement?

What is reasonable in terms of prioritising / activities around this?
There is lots going on with her dad as well? Which means i keep trying to be good and give her time and space, but I matter as well?

How long is long (I know piece of string and all)

Thanks for reading, and any advice - due to the nature of everything there really is no one I can just turn to and go what the..

11 comments posted: Monday, August 26th, 2024