How to live with what you have done?

I'm new here. I told my husband about an affair I had a few years ago. It was a complicated time but also supposed to be the happiest time. It started as an emotional affair, something I hadn't even noticed was happening, this was before the wedding. My husband realised something was up and questioned me about it. I admitted feelings. My memories after this become fuzzy, I remember being so stressed out and I lost loads of weight, my husband hadn't taken that news well. However, his memory of the event is different to mine which leaves me feeling confused.
We went ahead and got married and it was a beautiful wedding and we went on our honeymoon, during which my husband was looking up divorce.
After that I feel like everything went wrong, I don't even remember the physical side of the affair starting. But my husband and I were a mess at home everything felt tense and I felt like I was on eggshells. My husband was hurting and I was too absorbed in my own hurt that I didn't do anything to help him. I lied to him and everyone around us making it seem like he was the bad guy. He was calling me names at the time and generally being quite mean even though he didn't know back then but I still did this :(
The affair lasted over a year and when I look back at what I did I struggle so much with it because I do love my husband and yet I did this to him and to us.
His view of me has completely changed and his opinion of me always mattered to me so I don't know how to cope with the fact that I am a horrible person to him now, the worst person he knows.
I'm struggling with how this stupid decision and the decisions after have changed how I and others see me.
Has anyone any advice for how to cope with this?

10 comments posted: Wednesday, July 10th, 2024