Finally moved out - Confused

About two weeks ago my husband of one year (Together 3 years) admitted that he'd been cheating on me (All online) for the pst 3 years. The whole time we've been together. I knew 6 months in that he was doing it, but we worked past it... or so I thought. I made him leave and he stayed with his moms- he seemed remorseful at first, but within a couple of days he was getting angry at me. Soon it seemed that my asking questions about the affair was off the table. He at one point said he'd give me his password to one of his social media sites, but not the one where the cheating was taking place. He deactivated it- but refused to give me access. I decided to have him come back home so we could work on it, but I couldn't get over the cheating and him refusing to give me the password. In his defense his father is in a famous band and my husband manages the social media for them, two other bands and he is the photographer for all 3 bands - so essentially if I deleted it (which I wouldn't) it could mess up a lot of stuff. I finally decided I was going to leave him and he agreed to help me move. On our way to the shared storage unit I asked him if this was our only option at this point and suggested maybe we separate first. He agreed, but quickly added "Marriage rules apply". I agreed. We also agreed that he would give me the facebook password. Since then, and now that I am moved out of the house, he has hardly spoke to me unless I initiate conversation. He has been cleaning the whole house - which he never did before- and he's saying it's nervous energy. He refuses to give me the social media password and says it's because I am too up and down and could ruin it for him. Honestly, I already have the password, but it's besides the point. He doesn't trust me, but I am supposed to trust him.

When I went over this morning to get a few other items he was being very rude and not responsive. I was being nice and didn't want to argue. When I left he must have texted me apologizing for being mean. I didn't see it until much later so of course he had a rude comment about it not mattering anyways. I asked him why he was angry and he said it was just a general statement - that he's always angry and takes it out on everyone around him.

I asked him why he cheated on me. He said he thinks he's insecure, has trust issues and that he always felt I had one foot out the door. He said he has no other answer for me other than that. He tells me he is not doing it anymore and will not. That his main focus is therapy and getting better and then hopefully working on us. I feel so pushed aside in this. He doesn't randomly message me that he's sorry for breaking this family apart. He isn't doing anything to show me he's remorseful. I received flowers one time and that was within a few days of him telling me he was cheating.

Honestly, I do not know what I want anymore. I feel like I've given him so much power over me. I want to be happy with him, but I don't know how to get there. One minute I just want to divorce him and never look back. But there is another part of me that wants to stand beside him and help him. How can I do that when we do not live together? Why is he not initiating conversation with me? I just don't get it.

1 comment posted: Saturday, November 18th, 2023