25 years of marriage and he crossed the physical line. I'm lost and drowning. Please help me.

I joined a month ago when I thought I would be seeking support about my husband's emotional affair behaviors, but things have since changed and I'm lost with literally nowhere to go. I need help. A bit of background, this is confusing because I'm trying to keep it as short as possible, I'm sorry. I'm all over the damn place.

I'm married 25 years. He's the love of my life and I was his. WAS...I say. My husband is a sex addict. He's sexted/emailed with various women over the years, but never crossed the physical line. He's been an emotional cheater since we met (only found out AFTER we were married) Had I known, I never would have married him. He knows cheating of any kind is not tolerated by me. We've struggled financially over the years raising all of these kids and have been trying to set ourselves up for our future. We've been through a lot of tragedy, health issues and trauma, mostly me as I've been the one to stay home and deal with everything. I'm on disability from a very successful career (ptsd and depression/anxiety issues) and for the past several years he has been living and working away from home because the pay is the only way we could stay afloat. God, if I could turn back time...

He comes home twice a year and I visit in between. He's presently home. This has been hard on our marriage. We've drifted apart but I never dreamed his feelings for me had changed. He hasn't shown it until now. He's still been the man I married. We've both been sick and under a lot of stress. I thought it has been marriage as usual, but I guess not.

A few months ago while looking at our cell bill, I noticed a number he was texting a lot since early this year. There were so many texts/calls/picture-video messages with this number. My heart sank. I knew we were in trouble and made a plan to confront him once home and tell him we need counseling to address and attempt to repair this once and for all. We've put too much blood, sweat, tears and money into this marriage for him to throw it all away like that. I've been in agony knowing this information for months while waiting for him to come home to address it face to face. Well, the joke was on me when I confronted him. He admitted that he met someone at work and they are in love and yes, he slept with her. At first he wouldn't tell me who, but he did. He refused to tell me who her partner was, but I found out myself. He has blown up his marriage but she has yet to tell her partner who she is sleeping with. How I would love to blow that whistle, but that's not my style.

We have not been intimate in four years. He has health issues.I asked how could he sext or be inimate if meds were affecting his performance. He admitted that he got viagra and sure enough, I checked our benefits and there it was. I feel so stupid. He says she is his best friend, she's in an unhappy relationship and they just 'clicked' since they have a lot in common to bitch about, I guess. Both unhappy with their spouses, but neither had the common sense to fucking leave or give them a heads up that something is wrong so we could decide for ourselves what we wanted to do moving forward. Noooooo, instead, let's mash our genitals together and fall in love. In love. You don't know what love is. Neither of you do. Two cheaters living a lie and hurting their 'loved ones'. Come out of your damn fog FFS!!

I told him after all of the bullshit he has put me through over the years, he can't possibly hurt me anymore so he needed to be 100% honest with me. He said that he asked for the viagra so he could 'sext' with her and on line escort services. He has paid for this over the years while away. Not much, but still did it. Their friendship crossed into sexting. He then had a few friends over and she made a move on him and he allowed it and the rest is history. He promises me that she initiated it and I do believe him. It doesn't matter at this point anyway. It's not going to make me feel better or worse knowing who initiated what. What's done is done and will be burned forever in my mind. Here's the kicker...a few of our friends and his family members all knew that he met someone and he was falling for her. I am crushed that I am the last one to know. Not only has he betrayed me, but so have they. It hurts!

So, after grilling him for hours over the past three weeks, he admits that he doesn't know what he wants, but he can't change his feelings. He loves me (not the same though) but says that they are in love and he wonders what future lies ahead for them if anything. She has asked him if he's going to divorce and he told her no and that he has a lot of financial commitments to take care of for the next few years before he can even think about retirement. She said she didn't know what she was going to do, but is looking for another job. At first, I was willing to do whatever it took to keep him and save our marriage. I know, I'm an idiot. Pretty sure this is part of the grieving process. I'm still learning from this forum. I was willing to throw my morals and values out the window because I feared being left with nothing and starting over at 54. I'll never trust another man. They've all betrayed me in this way. Pretty sure I'll be living in the street if we divorce. Divorce is not going to end well for either of us and he knows it. Neither one of us can financially live independently. Life has kicked us in the ass. We won't be able to afford a mortgage or rent on our own. That's fact. Our finances are a big part of him being torn on what he wants. She doesn't know that details of our marriage and bills, etc. and I'm quite certain that once she finds out he has nothing to offer her but sex, she's going to toss him to the curb.

So, here I am posting my story. I KNOW he does not plan to stop sleeping with her. I'm not stupid and neither is he. He wants what he wants, right. I've made it clear that it's not acceptable to me and he also can't be spending any of our money on her or her kid. His family is the only one he should be spending money on. We are married, I am his wife, he made vows and promises to me. Another woman is not part of this marriage. Sorry pal, you can't have your cake and eat it too. He says he is going for counseling when he gets back and will be having a talk with her about where they could be going... not really sure what he's going to discuss. My question, is what in the hell am I supposed to do with all of this mess??? I can't eat or sleep. All I think about is what they are saying to each other and doing up there. He's constantly talking with her. I told him to knock it off while at home because it's disrespectful and cruel to me. They have since stopped texting so she must have told him to use a messaging platform. I just want to vomit. My entire world is upside down. We can't afford lawyers. We can't afford to divorce/separate. BUT. I'm not staying in a marriage where I am not wanted or am just second choice if it doesn't work out with his skank. Fuck that. I deserve better. What do I do??? My brain is reeling. To top things off, my father just died.

As of now, he thinks that reconciling is on the table. I thought it was too, but realize at the moment that it will never be. How could it? The love of my life has betrayed and hurt me in the worst way possible. I'll never trust him again. Now, ask me this question tomorrow and I'll probably give you a different answer. Get me off this merry go round. I can't take this. I've been through too much over the years. I'm literally broken, numb. Indifferent. Please help me navigate through this shit storm. I'm honestly lost on what my role is here. Never in a million years did I think I'd be in this mess... I suppose none of us ever do. When he leaves this weekend, it's going to stab me like a knife all over again. I'm not ready for this hurt to consume me. I'm just not.

80 comments posted: Monday, December 4th, 2023