Quitting 24/7 surveillance

Ever since D-Day, my H has put up a lot of surveillance for me to assist in my recovery. Yes, we both know that a relationship is nothing without trust, and it's not healthy to have all these surveillance tools. But because trust has been broken, we felt that these surveillance were needed in the initial part of my recovery. Slowly rebuilding trust, our aim is to remove these crutches eventually, when I feel comfortable to again.

Just some examples of what we did: live camera in his room (so that I know he is indeed home when he says he's home), live location tracking, password to his instagram (so that i can access it whenever), etc.

However, in the 6 months or so of this "constant surveillance", it made me so weary and exhausted. To constantly be checking up on him to reassure myself that he's not repeating his mistakes. More importantly, it created more harm than good as it led to a lot of arguments. Upon reflection, i think that it led to more arguments because all the tracking day and night constantly reminded me of the incident and the mistake he made. I was stuck in the past and I could not move forward even though I wanted to. Triggers were more frequent, moods were lower. It felt like we were not able to move past his mistake.

Aside from the need for reassurance, i must admit that the surveillance were put up to "punish" him in a way. if he cannot be responsible for his actions and choices, then he needs to be controlled and monitored. and this mindset to punish him for his actions added a lot of negativity into the relationship.

We had one big argument (like any other couple) that made me wanted to end things with him. The argument was not related to his A, but all the unhappiness and frustration just snowballed. This led to me deleting all the tracking apps because "f* this sh* i do not care anymore. he can do whatever he wants to do" i thought to myself.

We eventually made up, and I decided to not redownload all the tracking apps because it was a good opportunity for me to try letting go. It's been 1-2 weeks, and I've never been happier since. It's only been 2 weeks and I don't wanna jinx it but I felt free from the constant tracking. There are definitely still days where i feel extremely vulnerable without those tracking apps, but i try my best to nip them in the bud before they grow into a full blown trigger. I try to remind myself that I cannot force him to change even with all the surveillance, and he can only change if he wants to.

Will openly listen to tips and advice from anyone who's been through something similar - letting go of constant tracking and learning to trust again.

6 comments posted: Friday, October 20th, 2023

Masturbation to escorts/prostitutes

I think most people here will agree with me that it is objectively wrong to engage an escort/prostitute. But what if you ask them for photos and masturbate to their photos, without actually engaging their physical services? Do you think that is acceptable?

Let's assume that no boundaries were discussed yet. And you need to now set the boundaries.

(Edit: For context as to why i am asking this question, read below)

18 comments posted: Saturday, October 7th, 2023