BW - (31)WH - (33)D-Day 06/11/23 Reconciling...?

Identity Crisis / Boarding on a Lost Future

My husband had been cheating on me for a year in a half with multiple affair partners.

The only support I considered having in my life was my husband, and I still feel like he is my only support even though I have a strong hatred towards him related to the betrayal... Sadly, much of my identity came from our marriage; joint social media accounts, email accounts, shared dreams, future children, etc. I don't have a supportive family (I don't have any family); his family isn't supportive of me either. And I don't have any close friends. I put all my eggs in one basket with this man.

Over the last two months, D-Day, DV, the roller coaster of emotions, and the drip method of finding everything out have caused me to take a leave of absence from my job to "figure things out." Another lost sense of self...

After going back and forth for weeks as to whether I wanted a divorce, I decided a postnuptial agreement would be in my best interest with the impending pressure of graduate school coming up. I thought his support could help me get through school, this three-year program. I applied to this grad school program last year before I knew about his infidelity, lying, and stealing... However, after weeks of working on this, this has not been reviewed by my lawyer or filed with the courts yet...

I found a perfect place to live next to the campus (4 hours away) and decided we were going to separate for a while, living in separate households, so that I could focus on school and hopefully heal our relationship. I don't have that place secured yet and classes started today, and I am completely overwhelmed and defeated. I'm already like 10 hours behind on the readings. Such a horrible start.

I feel like I am not ready to dive into this program; I'm leaning toward dropping out. Another lost piece of myself... What sucks is that if I drop out now, I will have to go through the application process again -- the thousands of dollars in time and effort spent on these classes, the six months, the costs and fees, the effort to coordinate all my references, the 30-page application, the training, compliances, everything I needed to get into the program, I would have to re-do...There's no guarantee I would be able to get into this program again anyway.

My husband expects me to be able to sit through these classes and apply myself fully to the program as if nothing happened. The constant conflict and yelling; screaming and crying just bring me down even more.

I realized I don't want to go back to work; all those stressors at that job, I can't handle. My husband wanted me to work there instead of working where I wanted to work...

I feel like if I drop out of this program, I will have completely lost everything I've worked for and my dream career/life.

If I quit my job and have to drop out of the program because I cannot handle it right now, then what?

I am just really struggling and feel like I have completely lost myself. I don't think I have the strength to pull through.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation or can offer any advice?

At what point should I decide whether to give up on everything and start over?

9 comments posted: Tuesday, August 22nd, 2023