A confused mess....

I don't know what to do....where do I begin...

I discovered my husband was having an online affair for two years. We have kids and I'm pregnant. I feel like I need to make things work because of this. Ending things now is likely to cause a huge mess and I don't think I can take all of that while pregnant.

I saw messages from the affair and my husband completely ripped me apart in them by complaining about me to a high level. Anyone reading them would think he hated me with a passion. He says he didn't mean it and it was all said in anger because of everything he wasn't happy with in the relationship. He says he cheated because I don't do enough for him. Some parts of this are true but I've spent the last few years raising our young children who are close in age. My focus was more on them than him. So I'm willing to try to fix that side of things.

However my gut just feels like giving up.I don't know if it's my gut or just my emotions being so sick and tired of this that I want to escape. The messages in the affair made me realise how unhappy he was with me and almost that he wants someone completely different in every way (looks, personality etc.). I've told him it's better to just go and be with the person who he wants but he keeps saying he wants to fight for the family. But I'm not sure if he's continuing to lie like he has for years - he agreed with me on things he really didn't actually agree with just to shut me up.

I'm so scared of being played again that it makes me want to just end it to switch my brain off from over thinking. The once a cheater always a cheater line keeps coming in my mind. However one thing I must confess is years ago I cheated on him before we had the kids. I was going through a majorly tough time and really wasn't myself. A friend of mine took advantage of this and I fell into it until I started to recover and then realised I had messed up and ended it feeling ashamed and disgusted. It still disgusts me to this day. I sometimes wonder if this is my karma and try to be understanding of my husband's affair because of this. However in my case where I feel disgusted, he seems to not fully realise how bad his actions have been and still seems to have good feelings from it. Only a few weeks ago he said he would like to get back in touch with the other woman if we don't work out. He now says he doesn't feel that anymore but I don't know what to believe anymore.....

I still think he "loves" this other woman. Whenever I say something bad about her he gets very defensive and annoyed. I know the feelings can't automatically switch off since they chatted all day every day for two years, but how can I go forward trying to make this work when I feel he still loves this woman. He says he doesn't.

Gosh this is such a mess. How do you cope? We're speaking to a therapist who is encouraging us to do more together but I don't want to. I'm not even sure if I want him or love him anymore. I'm just so put off by everything he's done and all the details from their chats. It was embarrassing and disgusting. I would never go for the guy that was chatting in those messages, but that guy is my husband!

How do you get past that first stage of trying to reconcile when you partly hate and feel disgusted by your husband, but want things to work in the hope that the lessons learned will make the relationship stronger than before? Help :(

6 comments posted: Thursday, June 8th, 2023