Exit Affair But I'm trying to get to R

This is more of a rant or a story without questions but any advice or analysis would be greatly appreciated.

Married 10 years, 8 year old daughter. Last Friday was DD for me, I discovered WW had been having an EA with a co-worker for awhile, and it became a PA within the last month.

I have read all the FAQs and stickies and whatnot, but obviously no one's situation is the same. We have had intimacy issues for a good while, mostly caused by me. I have also followed a typical pattern of conflict avoidance (I would do or say anything to get out of a fight) without listening or understanding her feelings, all while interpreting everything as an "attack" on me. Classic stuff it turns out. At some point within the last year or two she emotionally checked out, we "stopped fighting" because of that. She has brought up D a few times in the past, but in early November we has a blow up that was my fault, and she firmly stated she wanted a D. I believe the A was an actual Exit A. I discovered it and my world dropped out from under me, I was really able to see and understand all the hurt and pain my behavior has caused her really for the first time. I'm looking into IC.

I wrote her a very long letter in which I revealed I knew about the A. She did express some remorse and regret, but I know to her it wasn't even really an A, she was so checked out and I had been so emotionally and physically unavailable for so long. I have been able to find out through other means WW and the AP are "ending it" unrelated to my revelation, so she seems to be exiting any kind of fog she was in, although she did not admit this to me yet.

So here's the problem and why I can't seem to get a handle on well, how to handle all this. I want to R. I totally get why the A happened, and I know the mantra is "the A wasn't your fault, it was WW's choice, how you made her feel, etc was." But basically it actually was my fault, in a cause and effect sense. That's why I'm having a hard time using the advice around the web and on this site. Even though I'm the BH and she's the WW, I really, REALLY was the offending party here.

Because the A was an EXIT A, I can't 180, or separate, or anything like that. If I did, it'd be done. I can work on myself, IC, etc. And I really have changed. I was completely unable to feel empathy for her or understand how I was making her feel. Oh boy how I can now. It's not really a Pick Me Dance because I think the A is pretty much done for. It's more like Pick Me not D. We had a very long talk last night, I think she sees how I'm making positive steps for myself, and she knows it's different. She waffled just a bit, but she's having a hard time with the fact that she totally detached herself from me in order to protect herself, and was fully prepared to initiate the D.

TLDR, I'm the BH but also was the real villain, the WW has had a now ending Exit A and was prepared to D, and at this point I have gotten just the tiniest smidge of a willingness to consider R rather than D.

22 comments posted: Sunday, December 25th, 2022