Just found out last week. Need help on protecting the kids.

Looking for opinions on a somewhat complicated situation (aren’t they all). I’ll try to keep this concise and to the relevant details to outline the background enough to hopefully paint a clear enough picture of what I need opinions on.

D day was a week ago when I found out my wife was having an affair. I was contacted by the spouse of my wife's AP and she was able to provide me screenshots of AP's phone where they were using a secret app to communicate with each other. Content of their texts made it clear what they were doing. I confronted my wife about it and she admitted to some of what happened but not all of it until I mentioned specific examples that I saw in the texts. She admitted to a lot more after that but still not all of it. AP had also given her a heads up that his wife was going to tell me so they had some time to get their stories straight. She admitted she knew it was wrong but immediately started blaming me and didn’t take any real responsibility for it. Here we are a week later and she’s going on about her business as if nothing happened. She is still saying it was just friends that grew into more and not an affair. She seems to be following a pretty common pattern from what I’ve read on this site. I definitely did the pick me dance last week but have firmly started the 180.

That’s all pretty ‘standard’ stuff if there is such a thing. Where this gets to be more complicated is the relationship our family has with his family is very intertwined. They and us along with another couple hang out all the time, like every weekend. We’ve gone on vacations together, our kids all hang out with each other everyday and are all best of friends. For a few years now I’ve told my wife I didn’t feel comfortable with her relationship with AP. She always said that there was nothing happening and would actually get mad at me for saying that. I even approached AP about it once and he said he’d back off only to tell her what I said to him and she got mad at me for saying something. She told me I was crazy so I backed off because I didn’t want to cause a rift in our relationship. They work in the same profession and he helped her with getting a couple jobs so it made it even more complicated. They then started working out together, going for walks, grabbing coffee and lunch and talking on the phone and texts everyday. This was all behind my back and AP's wife's back. This was an emotional affair for sure and crossed a line that was way past friends a long time ago. About 6 months ago it crossed over even further into sexting and pictures. She swears there was never any physical contact but the last texts I saw he was saying he loved her and you could tell they were on the cusp of physical intimacy happening. She swears they have never touched, but I don’t totally buy it.

I told my wife and his wife told AP that they can not have any contact anymore. I really would prefer my kids did not find out about this or know any of the details at this point but I don’t know how they won’t notice. The kids and anyone else that knows our families will immediately notice that that my wife and her AP are not talking in public anymore (if she actually sticks to it). They will also notice I never talk to him or hang out with him anymore and his wife is not talking to my wife. Our kids play multiple sports together and go to school together which makes it even more complicated. It is truly impossible for me or my wife to 100% avoid being around him or it means we are missing out on our kids' lives. My kids will start asking and wondering why we are not going to their house anymore, why they never come over to our house and why no one is talking except for me and AP's wife. My oldest is in HS who will 100% notice something has significantly changed. I’m at a complete loss as to how to handle this. I really don’t want this to hit my kids or land on them but I also can’t just pretend nothing happened. I’m not going to start something but I can’t bring myself to talk to him or allow an exception for my wife to in public. Am I being unreasonable if I stick strictly to the NC? She thinks we should be ‘normal’ in public around them so other don't notice. These situations will come up weekly for a long time. If I give flexibility am I just delaying the inevitable? Is there any way this doesn't go south if I stay firm on the NC? Do I give flexibility on the NC even though I feel like that is wrong but again I'm trying to think about my kids lives. Any opinions are appreciated on how to navigate this, especially if you have gone through a similar situation.

64 comments posted: Tuesday, December 13th, 2022