My GF of 3 years got blackout drunk and made a big mistake.

This whole incident happened about 1 month ago, and I am still quite rattled by the whole thing. I've spoken to a counselor and a few close friends, but really value the advice and opinion of third parties.

My girlfriend of 3 years - up until this incident - has been an extremely loyal and supportive woman. I love her very much and we have been living together for the past 2 years. One of her self-admitted issues is that she sometimes can have a tendency to over-drink when she is sad, depressed, or anxious. I have always been aware of it, but to be honest, probably never took it seriously enough until this incident.

Here is what happened:

She was out of town for a week for a sporting competition that she was apart of. We talked on the phone every day and things were good. No fights, no issues, nothing out of the usual. She ended up performing very poorly in the competition and understandably was super upset. She called me in tears afterwards. The next night there was a big wrap-up party in town. She told me she was going, and that she was meeting up with a group of girls for pre-drinking before hand - I told her great! Have fun and be safe.

The day after the party, I went to pick her up. As soon as I arrived I knew something was wrong. She told me "I got really drunk last night" - which immediately concerned me. After the drive home, I asked her - did anything happen last night? She sat down and started to cry. She said something bad had happened. She said this guy had Kissed her. I was obviously upset, and was asking for more details - where did it happen? Who was there? How long was it? She genuinely did not have these answers. She had blacked out much of the evening. It seems like an excuse to some, but I know my GF and I've seen her black out before, and I fully believe that she doesn't remember all the details. I told her she needed to call the guy and find out what had happened because the not knowing would drive me crazy.

The next day she called the guy and got all the details. It turns out it was worse than she rememberd. Apparently they walked home from the party together (they were staying in the same area) and she ended up in his house. The way he put it "they hooked up on the couch" - then had a moment of clarity and said - "I can't be here, I have to go" and left his house and walked home. She didn't remember any of this. All she remembered was him leaning in for a kiss. So she told me this update and I was crushed. I broke up with her. It was awful, she was crying and telling me it was the biggest mistake of her life and she doesn't understand herself how it could have happened.

Back story here - the other "guy" in this situation is someone she trusted, a friend she has had through work for about 7 years. They no longer work together, but they kept in touch from time to time in a friendly way. I was always concerned with his intentions, but my GF never hid their communications from me or anything like that so I was always OK with it. I think this is why she eneded up walking home with him - she trusted him - and he was probably flirting with her and making her feel good about herself when she was in a very drunk and depressed state. I still will never know or understand how she ended up in his house, on his couch, and that really hurts.

We had been broken up for about 5 days - she went to her mothers house for the time being. We connected regularly and she expressed deep regret, remorse, and ownership of her actions. She also fully admitted her problem with alcohol and expressed true desire to change for the better. I was starting to entertain the idea of forgiveness, but was still very hurt, angry, and betrayed.

THEN the next day I literally almost run into the other GUY. It was as if the universe wanted me to talk to him. I really feel that way because he lives in a different city and the odds of us running into each other where we did was really low. I had a mini panic attack and then approached him and said we need to talk. I told him I was very upset and that my GF couldnt remember everything and I wanted to know what had happened. He told me everything. There was nothing pre-planned or pre-meditated. He told me about the phone call he had with her where she told him she couldnt remember anything and he felt really awful about what had happened. I could see by the look on his face he realized he had done something wrong. I asked him directly - Did you have sex with her? and he said NO. I asked him again - are you sure you didn't have sex with her? He said NO - then he said - we made out on the couch, I had my hands down her pants, I had a put a condom on, but it never got to that point. She apparently said "I can't be here, I have to go" and left. This conversation changed my whole perspective on what had happened. It really sounds like this man was taking advantage of her in a drunken state - and although my GF is also guilty - she no longer held 100% of the blame in my head. If my GF was consenting to sex there would have been no condom (she has an IUD), and they would have been in the bedroom, not on a couch. This made me realize that there was no conversation had - no consent given. Yes, she made a mistake, yes she kissed him, but everything past that sounded more like it was happening to her, then her participating in it.

I also spoke to a couple of her friends that were at the pre-drink with her. They both confirmed that she was really drunk and that this guy was acting very flirtatious and "sketchy" towards her. I was upset that her friends didn't look out for her given the circumstances.

In light of all this information I decided I owe this woman another chance. I went to see her. I told her about the conversation I had with the guy and she broke down crying. She was so relieved to know that they had not had sex. I couldn't imagine what that would feel like - to know you hooked up with someone, but not know what had happened to your body or how far it went. She was genuine. She made a vow to change for the better - she promised me that she would embrace sobriety, make a serious change with her drinking for once and for all. She also started seeing a counselor to work through her insecurities, depression, and relationship with alcohol. So I took her back.

We have now been back living together for 3 weeks. She hasn't had a drop of alcohol and I do see a true change in her. That said, I am plagued by replaying that evening over and over again in my head and over analyzing everything. We talked about it lots, but sometimes she gets really down when we talk about it because of how ashamed and guilty she feels about it.

Do you think I made a mistake giving this woman another chance? Do you think in time I will forget about that evening and feel normal again? Is it a good or bad idea to keep talking about that evening?

<3

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35 comments posted: Saturday, November 12th, 2022