Wishing for R, Dealing with Separation when contacted by BS

Hello All,

Just more questions...

At the moment by BS and I are separated. I have continued hope for R, but have a question about contact while separated for those who were S/D and found a way back towards R. Most of our contact, started from my end asking to continue in MC which has been declined. Although I do not understand her reasons as they are largely based on claims and assumptions I am still betraying our union (which I am not) I have to accept her reasons not to attend. Some contact we have is simple logistics of finances and has been civil, and some of my correspondence have been me attempting to invite her to spend time with one another doing activities she finds stimulating or exciting, maybe this makes her uncomfortable which I have asked but have not received answer about, I even have tried continuing to flirt (as I read in help your spouse heal or not just friends cant recall which book) that did not go well. All contact my BS starts is antagonistic, telling me about a fear, me attempting to sit with her in that fear then her not believing the facts about my where abouts etc, name calling, will not answer questions that I ask with true concern for her well being and then she will launch into what I can only just describe as fabrications about every subject. Attempting to show her the patience and grace she needs in these moments how do I continue to respond especially when meeting her in the only modality she will communicate with (text messages) when this cycle cant be a healthy one?

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10 comments posted: Sunday, September 18th, 2022

To BS, Fighting Fair

More questions....
I of course fully expect, deserve and can accept anger, name calling, even verbal abuse at times of triggers that cause my BS to flood. My question is it too much to expect, for some type of remorse or apology after the outburst has ended and we are back to an emotional even place? I haven't heard many yet, but keep reminding myself she is choosing to stay and work on R so that is her apology. Issue becomes i'm truly confused at some points does my BS believe the awful things she says during those moments? Is the lashing out an attempt to control behaviour? Old Testament "eye for an eye" mentality?

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40 comments posted: Friday, September 2nd, 2022

Here goes...

Hello All,

Thank you for sharing stories, posting advice and creating this online community that helps all of us who are struggling. Been reading for some time now but this is my first post of many. As I have 100s of questions.

Without context I know this could be a difficult one but my question is for both WS & BS (I will post something there next).

Short Version= M 38 f 50 together 9 years, D day 3 years ago, internet affair with random women dating apps to boost my own ego, no EA or PA, tons of lies (too many), separated for 1 year then attempted R but just asked to moved out again, 3 teenage Step Children (only have contact with 1 currently but full contact with them all until they cut their mother out their lives due to her own personal issues with them). More to all of this but short version, attended SA classes for a year, both have IC, MC was not helpful and suggested ending relationship after 5 sessions, how can that even be possible but thats for another post...

Question 1

I am finding it difficult to bare the weight of my partners venomous accusations and claimed that I have caused issues/problems, seemingly unrelated to infidelity. I fully understand everything can become related after this type of trauma, the pain that I caused her and regret my choices especially to cover the truth. Of course those actions and selfish choices have resulted in her terrible PTSD and play a part in her decision making process. With that said If I ever clarify a false statement, or a misconception that she has, about a present(not past) fear or concern i'm quickly labeled as unsympathetic, lack empathy, narcissist. I have tried my best to simply listen, console, affirm, empathize, offer support, or touch and later on bring up the misconception when she is not flooding but that hasn't worked well either. When I am being blamed for issues that have little to do with me how have you all attempted to navigated the rough waters?

After reading a ref posted here authentic kindness vs people pleasing themindsjournal authentic-kindness-vs-people-pleasing/ Im struggling to keep a boundary of not allowing her vengeance seeking behaviour to cross my own boundary while still being there for her as I understand her is in pain or triggered in those moments.

All opinions welcome, even if its to tell me FO ands suck it up, buttercup.

The next is an easy one, is there a search forum function?

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7 comments posted: Tuesday, August 30th, 2022