As I begin the long road to Divorce. Any advice to offer?

12/11/2022 marks the 18 month anniversary of DDay. We tried to reconcile, paid thousands of dollars in therapy bills, took vacations, read books, and spent time together. At times, it was great and just like it was when we started out together. However, I’m simply not able to forgive her for trying to destroy our family and she has not taken the steps to earn it. My original posts have dropped off this site, but you can read my story in my profile. Trust me, it’s something straight out of a cheap novel and definitely worth the read, if not just for entertainment. Worst of all though, is that it’s 100% true… at least to the best of my ability.

Early this year, I decided to file for divorce and retained an attorney. However, my WW convinced me to give her 6 more months and I agreed under the condition that her mom moves out for a few months and that we get a new pediatrician for our children. After dumping the pediatrician (begrudgingly on her part), her mom left to go spend time with her other daughter in Sweden. A couple weeks after arriving, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and we rushed her back here to the US to get treatment. Her other daughter, husband, and 3 year old son came, too. We spent thousands of dollars on treatment and plane tickets, but she succumbed to the disease in early August. My wife and kids were heartbroken, and so was I. Not to mention the intense stress caused by having all those extra people in my house. And the 3 year old was a real handful as an only child who didn’t understand English.

I had to give her time to grieve but in the back of my mind, I knew that the only path forward was divorce. Her stalking of the AP and his wife continued after her lies about the A caught up to her with some of our shared friends. (the AP lives less than a mile away and our kids go to school together). It’s almost as though she has started to believe the lies she’s been telling people.

So almost 3 months after she passed, right before Halloween, I told her that I wanted a divorce. She agreed to work on this with me amicably, without huge legal expenses and without getting ugly. The tentative plan is to get through the holidays and get our finances in order with the goal of setting us each up to live independently by the start of the next school year. We agreed not to take any action without the other knowing about it and to work hard to part on good terms, for the sake of our 3 children – 5,6,and 13.

I’m writing this now with a clear head and tremendous sense of relief… like a barbell was lifted off my back. I’m no longer needing to take anti-depressants and alcohol to get through the day and I’ve got the spring back in my step. I really don’t care if I have to move out of my house and start my life over. In fact, I’m pretty excited about it. Anything is better than living with the constant anxiety brought on by this serial cheater and liar.

As I start down this path, I’m going to need some support and advice. Instead of waiting, I figured that I would tell my story now and see if anyone has any tactical suggestions on what to do next. I have a long road ahead of me and zero experience with this. Since many of you have been there already, do you have any advice for me? Is the idea of us collaborating on this a pipe dream? I’ve been in charge of the finances our whole marriage and I fear she’ll changer her tune when she figures out she won’t be able to afford our big house by herself.

4 comments posted: Sunday, November 27th, 2022

How to tell WW you want a divorce?

Our DDay was this past June and I've done everything I can to try a save my marriage. It's just not working and I think it's time for a divorce. We have 3 kids and a beautiful house.

I've worked with a mortgage officer and learned that it's possible (although barely) for me to buy her out with a cash out re-fi. I know she won't like that idea, but even with child support, she'll never be able to afford that on her own. Plus, it's the only way I can think of that doesn't involve uprooting our 3 elementary aged kids.

I've also spoken with an attorney and I have the retainer fee sitting in the bank. Her birthday is coming in a couple weeks and she's taking a trip with her girlfriend to Miami Beach.

She doesn't know that this is what I'm planning, although I doubt she'd be super surprised.

What's the best process to follow? Should I keep things close to my chest and tell her only after I've filed? Or, should I discuss with her my intent to file for divorce? Should I wait until after her birthday so as not to ruin that for her?

The objective is to keep things amicable and to try to work through things without a huge fight. I feel that I'd be super reasonable with things. I'm not so sure about her, though. If you read my story in my profile, you'll see that she's not wrapped very tight.

BTW, I live in a no-fault state and all martial assets are divided 50/50.

Also, should I offer up my money for her to pay for a retainer for a lawyer? What did you guys do about that?

Thanks!

12 comments posted: Saturday, January 29th, 2022