Married 25 yearsTogether 29 years1st EA = Summer 20072nd EA = Winter 2021 / Dday 4/17/21

WH leased a condo and we're separating

As another kind person pointed out on my other topic in "Reconciliation", I am all over the place. I'm recognizing I'm in the FOG of abuse. I never wanted our marriage to end, period, or end up where it's at, but have to accept it has. I don't want him to leave, primarily because I set a boundary and said if he moved out, I was going NC and moving on, but I also want him to leave because I can't keep living in the limbo-hell. Just knowing he has this escape option / bachelor pad is super stressful.

The other issue is that I'm having a very tough time reconciling the last 8 months of him treating me like crap, not respecting me, carrying on an EA with his 20yo coworker, putting himself out as available on dating websites, etc...with this person who is emerging as he gets ready to move out now saying things like:
"I'm doing this to save our marriage"
"I still love you very much"
"I need time to heal myself but don't want to lose you"

There have been so many lies and omissions over the last couple months that I don't believe him - this is just gaslighting. He's telling me these things to justify his actions. I get that I have CPTSD from childhood neglect and codependent issues, but I don't believe I'm wrong to look at this as abandonment. He's leaving the stress of day-to-day living with me and his children for a nice condo on the riverfront. What goes on behind those doors becomes none of my business. It gives him privacy and he no longer has to be accountable to me for his actions.

As my friend just said, I need to get a backbone and decide what I want. As I sit here typing this out, I am realizing more and more how deep in the FOG I've been. I'm afraid of him leaving (FEAR of rejection / abandonment) and we are both mired in GUILT - I'm trying to guilt him into staying and working on things, while he is using guilt to lie / gaslight me into thinking he is only doing this for the marriage. I believe he is feeling guilt for the *true reason(s) he's leaving. The only way to stop this is to detach and disengage from the gaslighting.

I have to stop begging him to stay. I have to realize if he truly "loved" me, he wouldn't have told me he was leaving, pack ALL of his stuff, move it and then remain at the house with me the last 3 nights getting his jollys off watching me beg and plead and cry as I watch the person I loved and trusted the most in the world completely pull away. I don't understand why he wants to keep hurting me like this :( but I am also hurting myself continuing to engage.

Also, if he truly loved me, he wouldn't have engaged in the hurtful behaviors to begin with - or stopped when he realized he was hurting me instead of doubling down.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, August 25th, 2021