R work on hold for family crises, but still hurting

Hi all, I'm struggling with something, and was wondering if anyone can relate or offer advice.
My WS and I have been in the process of R since his last affair (ended in January), and quite a few things have happened. Throughout the spring, we both were doing IC and talking about starting MC. Then, while travelling this summer, we found out that the spouse of his affair partner had committed suicide, rather horribly. Part of me feels like my WS had some responsibility in that, and maybe that doesn't feel fair, but I can't shake the feeling. I feel like I have some too - OBS kept saying we should meet, but when I tried to set times he kept putting it off, but perhaps I could have tried harder?
Meanwhile, I got a new job and we moved across the country in late July. With all the insurance switches and everyday busy-ness of settling in, neither of us has been able to start IC again. And then his mother got sick, and sicker, and is now in hospice care. We have been completely focused on that and I have been caring for him and our kiddo (and my own grief for her) while we process and prepare. We'll be traveling to see her this week for the holidays and she will likely pass while we are there (given everything we're hearing from her doctors it could happen any day).
I guess the big thing is that I have had so much to think through and process and I'm still hurting and mad. The whirlwind of the late summer and fall - move, new job, family grief - took over from working on the aftermath of the affair and especially those big feelings about the OBS's suicide. While this experience has made him say over and over that he feels closer to me than ever, I don't feel that way. What do I do or say?

9 comments posted: Tuesday, December 19th, 2023

Why are my ears pricking?

So it's been a little less than a year since dday2 and lots of work later. We moved and things seem good. But I have this feeling and I can't get it to go away that something is going on. No strong evidence, no big shifts in behavior, but little changes here and there that make me sound a little crazy saying them out loud, ways of phrasing things, stuff like that has got me super paranoid. I try not to monitor, just check in every once in a while, more for my own sanity so I'm not his policewoman, but I think I have to. Will this feeling keep happening, even if there is nothing there? I just want to be able to focus on my new job and my kid and not obsess.

8 comments posted: Tuesday, October 17th, 2023

Was it a mistake or more of the same?

So been working on R for 2+ years since D-Day and things have been good. WH, however, recently struck up a friendship with a mutual colleague and casual friend that seems to have gotten intense. He erased their text messages and some but not all of their emails, but it is clear that they were flirting a lot and hanging out without my knowledge. In my mind, this is cheating on me, but it's murky because they didn't progress to PA. WH acknowledges the sneakiness of this behavior and that he knew he was doing wrong. I demanded he return to IC, I also restarted IC, and we'll talk about MC in a few months, but I want to get my head straight first.
Part of me feels like this is the line and we should be talking about D, part of me feels like the road to R can have a stumble and still make it. I do love him very much, but I'm worried I'm just enabling him and he'll never change.
[For context, original infidelities included PAs, EAs, and OAs; WH acknowledges motivated by the titillation of secrecy and validation he gets]

8 comments posted: Wednesday, December 21st, 2022