Promised to end it but cheated anyway...

I'm new here... having a bad day as one can imagine!

I'm going to try to resist the urge the write an entire novel here... but my wife and I have been married 10 years, we are in our mid 30s. I've always been devoted and faithful to her; but recently I noticed her drifting away, starting to focus on wanting to "be young again" and "go back to the dating world." It seems there wasn't anything I can do to stop this chain of events, but one of her complains regarding me was excessive work / no work-life balance. (I could write a book on the topic as well, I work hard to keep her happy because of her insecurities over our financial status/home etc compared to others in the circle; but that's not key here, there are always two sides) and also lack of libido on my part. While libido was average statistically and I'm not badly out of shape, I could be in better shape and stress/lack of fitness does affect my our sex life. Plus she is a very sexual person.

So, I decided to scale my business way back, get rid of the stress and be there for her in an effort to rekindle our relationship. I put a great deal of effort into getting the house back up the shape, going on date nights, going to the park, plus have been working out, lost weight and really increased the libido to nearly early 20s level. She seemed to enjoy that, but perhaps too little too late, as she suddenly blocked me on all social media and changed the passwords to her accounts and phone. I am not a heavy social media user so I did not notice immediately, but after some digging, I realized she was having an "emotional" (at least, but year right) affair with some 19 year old kid from another country and didn't want him to realize she is married. I discussed it with her. She admitted she was struggling and considering a separation, but after a week or so she decided it was a fantasy and she wants to make our relationship work. She insisted I was her #1, that she chooses me and wants to work on this together. I was still sad that she was so into this kid, but was happy to hear her choice. However, despite the fact she said she'd appear to end it with this guy, she still blocked me out of her online life and did nothing to rectify that (Which is most of her waking hours) (Plus the usual password changes on phone, etc) so I remained suspicious.

She ended up having to go on a work trip the country where that guy lives (Which is not a rare thing)- however, I said given the circumstances, she should call in sick, or try to get out it - she claimed she could not, but said this was her last trip there and she would bid off that area, she was emphatic in her promises that should wouldn't damage our relationship by taking the emotional affair to a physical level, and that she had already ended it with him and loved me. She sent me some texts about the food and such to make it seem normal... but, unfortunately, that was a lie. I used a voice recorder and as soon as she arrived in the hotel, she had that guy come up and they had sex for hours, he spent the night. Most gut wrenching moment of my life, I got to experience the audio first hand. I'm torn between an ignorance is bliss and the need to confront reality mentality, but here we are.

I confronted her and informed that I want a divorce, she initially lied but admitted it, saying she made a mistake, and we shouldn't throw away our entire marriage because of one mistake. She went on the whole usual copy/paste torrent of words "It meant nothing" "That guy means nothing" "I was confused but now I'm not" "Now I know I just want you" "I was wondering what an open relationship would be like." She even was saying one slip up in 14 years is not abnormal and she allows or would forgive me if I was on the other side. She was basically grabbing my legs/feet/shirt trying to keep me from walking out the door. She then even drove 4 hours to bring me food and apologize at my place of business (and now my home I guess ugh). (Something she'd never do previously). But...the things she said to the other person (You're the love of my life, I adore u etc) and the recent drive to visit me; if she had put any effort like that into me/us, work/life balance wouldn't be an issue. Of course she says now she know where her priorities are; it was a mistake.

But I feel like this isn't a "mistake," because she was reaffirming the desire to work on the relationship, that she promised not to do anything etc prior to the event; this was preplanned, not a random drunken accident. Because of the lip service, I basically feel like she was telling me this whole time "I'm going to go have my fun plowing this teenager, then when I'm done, I'll come back to my faithful comfortzone and you're gonna just to just deal with it"

Plus, I obtained photos of the guy in question, he's basically a player club rat; the exact opposite of me. I'm just 100% soul crushed, I wonder the usual; can I ever trust her again, how can we repair this etc? It's extra bad in my situation because I've given her all my time/energy and have literally not a single friend or acquaintance in 1000 miles. It's not good. I'm really struggling on if I should divorce her or not; this is not the first time I've suspected anything but it's the first time I've obtained proof.

Forgiving her would be the "easy way out" but since lies come off her tongue so effortlessly, I just have trouble even accepting her apologies and that it was a mistake, regardless of how genuine they seem.

59 comments posted: Tuesday, June 15th, 2021