I have been pretty fucking awful for the better part of a decade

Hi all, my BP has recommended I cross post here from my posts over on Reddit in r/SurvivingMyInfidelity and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. I look forward to any advice folks here can offer. We’re just over a month after d-day now -- 32 days as of today, made the original post 29 days in. Major update since posting here is that BS is now, understandably, saying they're done and ready to split because I feel strongly that I will never be able to remember the last time I fantasized about someone specific within a more narrow time window. I would like to remember this information so I can help them understand but I do not know how. They think I'm bullshitting and that I bullshitted my therapist into validating this notion to manipulate them. I don't think that's true, but based on my past behaviors I'm not above it. Not sure what to do at this stage :(

Here’s the original post: ———

Hi all, this will be my first attempt to share the basic components of my story. It's a long and complicated one, so I'll try to keep it to a brief overview.

TLDR; serial infidelity over most of a decade, never fully committed until recent change of heart and disclosure followed by trickle truth and discovery. Reading evidence based approaches but not changing my behavior. Processing and looking for support.

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Honestly, the story of my infidelity spans the better part of a decade. My (currently separated) partner and I met and became sweethearts 8.5 years ago, and we entered a monogamous relationship 6.5 years ago.

Everyone's relationship has different boundaries to some extent. Ours include fantasizing about other people as cheating, and we define hugging people that aren't pre-approved as cheating as well. This is important to understanding the nature of my infidelity, because I have violated both of these fundamental relationship covenants.

I cheated the first year we became exclusive and we processed it back then, but I didn't take the process very seriously and did just enough to get a relationship on track, but in a state of managed disconnection rather than actual relationship renewal. I pretended, however, to be taking the process and the relationship very seriously. This was upon gradual exit from a party lifestyle where I was extremely promiscuous and used other people to hurt my partner with devious intent (edit: I was the promiscuous one with the party lifestyle. I expected my partner to be functionally monogamous with me though — I didn’t want them messing around with other people, but I wanted them to deal with me having sex with lots of people, sometimes in front of them at parties. I was really, really terrible about this.)

By this point, their family loves me, my family loves them, and we are intertwined in every way. We have the married life that some others envy, or at least it seems like we do. Because I led my partner to believe that, and they build us up to seem like what it seemed like we were.

One of the biggest reveals from our first D-Day since my previously discovered infidelity, now just 29 days ago, was that I was never fully committed to our relationship in the first place. I entered into a monogamous relationship more out of fear of losing them than out of wanting the same things. And prior to our exclusive relationship, I would "recycle lines" I used with them onto other people, as well as use our relationship as a way to flirt with, fuck, or attract the attention of other people.

This called everything into question, and my partner has realized that everything they thought to be true over the span of the better part of a decade is tainted and just riddled with lies. The relationship has essentially been a lie in its entirety.

I had a (likely one-sided) affair that was largely emotional but had a physical component and would have escalated further had I sought out more opportunity -- and if Gottman's Cheater's Cascade tells us anything, I would have eventually (edit: I was also open to escalation and would have been receptive to further advances). This is toward the later days of a period where I didn't have sex with my partner for over 5 years because I didn't want to be a fair and equitable sexual partner in terms of seeking both of our pleasure rather than selfishly pursuing my own exclusively.

During this ~9-month affair I aired out my relationship problems to a room full of people in my addiction recovery support group. I learned recently that I was signaling "here's a vulnerability in my relationship -- I need comfort!" rather than innocently trying to work through those issues with other people who could relate.

I should have been there to learn skills and offer/receive support. But instead I turned to someone I was attracted to there for comfort instead.

We hugged. I felt tingly. She offered me a ride home. I didn't take it, but I wanted to. She told me the group would do x, y, or z events or outings sometimes. She said I should come sometime. I said she should totally invite me to the next one, I'd love to go. I fantasized about her. I daydreamed about her. There were periods where I thought about her more than I thought about my partner, and during this period I had grown less attracted to my partner (edit: my BS pointed out to me that it was really that whole year that I fantasized about this other woman more, and that not only was I less attracted to my betrayed partner, I found them unattractive.). And wound up feeling less attracted to my partner than to this fantasy affair partner. I had more romantic sexual fantasies about this person than I did about my partner. I had more fucked up sexual fantasies about my partner than I did about this person. My partner had me estimate the math and is now feeling like all they are is a very low percentage point.

Again, we weren't having sex, for years, because I didn't want to be a decent lover. I held onto feelings for this person from my meetings for roughly 3 months after she stopped going though -- and "coincidentally", I stopped going two weeks after her. After I knew she wasn't coming back. 3 months... that feels about right, but I have no way of knowing. I got off thinking about her within the last year (edit: my BS wants to know when the last time was, but I’m not sure how to narrow down the window of time further. Any advice?)

I was thoroughly mired in a negative perspective toward my relationship and toward my partner. For a long time by that point. I primed myself for an affair and planted seeds all over fertile ground. I walked a very slippery slope, and I made some terrible choices that killed our old relationship. I took everything we had for granted, and I took advantage of my partner's kindness and generosity while take, take, taking everything I could. I gave everything I had to myself and projected the rest to this fantasy partner, and then came home to complain that I had no emotional energy to give to my actual partner. And then I resented my partner for wanting more from me. I resented them for wanting me to do more around the house, and I blamed it on my mental illness. I resented them and scapegoated them for my personal problems. I resented them for trying to help me manage my personal problems, for doing loving things for me. I resented them for loving me. I gave them no authentic love in return. I loved them as a feeling, but not as a verb. And my love as a feeling was tainted profoundly.

I wore down their self-esteem and self-image. I was abusive. I stole thousands of dollars from our family to feed my disorders and addictions. I hid and I lied and I led a double, triple, quadruple life.

In addition to all of this, I got off thinking about characters from many of our absolute favorite TV shows and have ruined almost all television for us at this point, which was one of our main bonding activities. I got off thinking about YouTube personalities from their only fun hobby, that they have spent thousands of dollars on over the years -- so they now have no fun hobby, and are planning to throw away all of these wonderful little things that provide them joy, that they could desperately use right now as they're processing the hell I put them through.

We were watching a ton of cartoons recently, because that's one area I seemingly hadn't touched... until we got into my old facebook, and it turns out that before we became exclusive, I sent images from two of the cartoons we'd been watching (some being childhood favorites) to people I was sexting. People I didn't know. Who I couldn't even remember at first, that I don't even remember how I met. I thought nothing of it when I did it. I couldn't even remember it to disclose now. So now our cartoons are tainted as well. I've entrenched us pretty deep into a pit of misery.

To top all of that off, I admitted today and yesterday that I had been getting off to scenes from movies/shows we'd watched that were graphically/brutally violent in ways that are pretty unspeakably horrific, and that mirrored their actual lived trauma, which I knew. I held them while we watched those scenes. Comforted and reassured them as I felt them tremble in my arms. But I was heartless and thoughtless enough to indulge those scenes as fantasies in the bathroom without care for the profound significance to my partner. At first I blamed it all on intrusive thoughts. Which at least in some instances is real, to some extent. But didn't admit to myself or them, until called on it, that once you choose to indulge an intrusive thought by getting off to it, you've made it voluntary recall and a chosen fantasy.

For the past 29 days my partner has been doing everything possible to be the best kind of BS one can be while we try to get through disclosure. But I have lied every step of the way. Even when I'm telling the truth, I undermine everything honest I've said with a lie towards the end. I've done a lot of trickle truthing. And I haven't answered plenty of their questions. Some because I am/was just afraid of their judgment -- though by this point, I've confessed to the worst shit I've ever done in my life. And my partner has accepted me for it. There's really nothing left that could be any worse. They have shown me there is nothing so bad that could make them hate me, or probably even make them want to leave. Except for dishonesty.

Other questions I don't know how to answer. They're about things like, when did you start getting off and thinking about __? When was the last time? How many times? I know they don't expect exact numbers or like the exact date or anything, but I don't have those kinds of thoughts organized like that, and I don't know how to figure it out. I can say this year or within the first x months of meeting that person or in 20##, but with things from this year I don't know how to narrow down further than let's say anything was on the table through to November 2020. And they need these answers. Without those answers, that's a dealbreaker.

Folks, if anyone has figured something like that out before, please help me. At first I was avoiding these questions because I didn't want to know the answer. But at this point, I do want to know the answer. I would like to be a truth seeker and a detective with my partner, to help them heal and to lay the foundation for a new relationship if they're open to it. But I really don't know how.

So with everything else, I'm not even sure why I'm lying anymore. I know the only way to stop is to stop, but I feel like I'm not in control over it. Even though I know I am. I'm reading the Gottman books, the Shirley Glass book, the compact manual for the unfaithful, I'm taking the Affair Recovery bootcamp, but I'm still fucking it up. I feel regret and remorse for what I've done. I'm trying to see things through their eyes, but I struggle with empathy. We're fucking again, but I'm still being a selfish lover, even though (and I earnestly believe this) I don't mean to be. I'm so confused. Poor me, I know. The real burden is on them. This is my fault. They need the support and I need to transition from a destroyer to a healer. I need to process this shit though. And I would really like some support.

I've caused so much trauma and wrecked so much havoc that it's like they're walking through a mine field every day. And it's all my fault. And I'm following all the expert guidance. But whenever I do something right, I cancel it all out with my lies, fundamental self-deception, manipulation, defensiveness, deflection, gaslighting, etc.

I want this relationship, desperately. In earnest, for the first time. I revealed all of this (when prompted with questions) because I felt a massive change of heart from starting Gottman's 30 day challenge in December (which I finally finished today, after a few bumps in the road where I gave up for a few days). I've developed a profound positive perspective for my relationship, and a deep fondness and admiration for my partner. I want to build a sound relationship house. I would be doing great if all we had to work on was our pre-existing marital problems otherwise, but without successfully starting Step 1.1 of the Atone, Attune, Attach process, or even Step 0 of a relationship -- honesty and only honesty -- I will get us nowhere.

I'm writing here because I want to change. I want to get my shit together. I know that I am in full control of my behavior, so this is bullshit, but I feel like I can't catch myself before I start lying and fucking things up. It feels like a behavioral problem to me, but I want to undergo a more serious transformation of character and rooting out the behavior is fundamental there. I feel like I'm in that process, and I know it's not going to happen overnight, but I've already taken so much for granted and wasted so much time that we just might not make it.

I'm gonna keep trying and keep holding out for us. I accept that they have at least one foot out the door already, and they might bounce at any time now. I would like to start a new relationship, but I don't want to be the kind of partner that lies all the time. They just might not have any time and effort left to give to us. I can't blame them. But I'm not giving up. Even if they leave, I won't give up. I'm trying to write the story of who I want to become, whether we make it or not. But if we don't make it, I want to get myself together, and maybe they'll want to come back in the future. Maybe not. But I'll keep holding out hope. I'll keep trying.

Anyone who has advice or can offer some support, please help me. I'm desperate.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, February 10th, 2021