How can I survive this? I don't know what to do

I am hoping for someone who may have been in in a similar situation to give me a tiny bit of hope, because I am really struggling like never before in my life.I have been with my SO since 2007, we were and still are very much in love. I have married her in 2019.

Even before being a couple I began to develop an addiction for pornography, not sure why exactly (My guess is unfulfilled fantasies as seen in porn and being bullied in childhood). I was consuming a lot of porn quite often.

As my fantasies were fueled more and more by the porn I was watching, I had the desire to act on some of these fantasies, which was sexually interacting with men, as the porn drove me to believe I might be gay or bisexual.

It must have been around 2011 where I met with a man to have sexual contact, which was a horrible experience to me, not pleasant at all. A similar incident happened a few months later.

My porn and masturbation addiction continued, though no more meetups with anyone.

Just over a week ago now was my D-Day. A few days before, something clicked in my mind and I felt unbearable pain in my chest while being unable to properly breathe, all while thinking about what I did. Feeling numb and not having the energy to do anything.

So I told my wife about it. To my surprise, she was not mad at all. She was asking if I really thought that she would leave me for something like that after all those years and was angered only by the fact that I did not tell her before. We both cried and hugged and talked quite a lot, same on the next day.

I was somewhat reliefed of my pain, though it quickly creeped up to me again. Right now, I am again feeling this unbearable pain while thinking I am not going to make this. In my mind I fear this pain will never go away and in the end drive me away from my wife and eventually I'll die. I keep thinking about this pretty much all day all the time and I am so terrified.

I don't know what to do anymore. My wife does not want to talk about it anymore as she forgave me for it and she does not want to think about it in more detail, which I understand and respect. I don't want to drag this out infront of her and burden her more than necessary. She did nothing to deserve this.

If you read through all of this, thank you so much. Maybe someone can give me guidance on these questions:- Did anyone else have the same pain and was able to survive it?- Am I expecting too much in thinking I should feel less pain so short after D-Day?- What is that kind of pain I am feeling in waves? Is it guilt? Sometimes it goes away for a few minutes but comes back full force- Will this pain ever be lessened and what can I do about it?

I also realised now that I need to stop with all porn and masturbation and I have done so right after D-Day. I do not have any desire for that anymore whatsoever.Also I am currently looking for IC in hopes that this will help me.

Any help, advice or guidance is so very much appreciated,Sebastian

7 comments posted: Wednesday, January 20th, 2021