It's not getting better

CW: depression, suicide

I filed another round of divorce papers this week. She's moving to New York in April. I'd like to say I'm moving on but it doesn't seem that way.

You can see my old posts for the details. I discovered two years ago that my wife had been cheating on me throughout our marriage. We went to counseling and she kept cheating, at one point telling her friends she was trying to fuck our marriage counselor. I wrote off the marriage and moved out in late 2020 but didn’t make the final break until this holiday season.

I’ve come to understand that there was a lot of emotional abuse in the marriage that I still haven’t been able to process. It was an utterly ruinous experience.

I’m not going to connect with another person again - that functionality is broken in me. There’s nothing I care about. Nothing I want to do. Anyone I’ll meet from now on will recognize me as pathetic. People can smell the stench of a loser. There’s no point in wasting people’s time.

I’m 43, and I’ve never been happy. Was shuffled into counseling at age 10 because I seemed sad and wasn’t making friends. Was put on handfuls of drugs that destroyed my dopamine system. Can’t stay focused. Have never done anything useful. Can’t keep friends because I don’t know how to be one. All my "friends" from my married years were actually my wife’s friends, and they were okay with supporting her while she bragged about ruining my life. No one gives a shit what happens to me now.

This world is for winners. God smiles when winners win and laughs when losers lose. People are cruel and brutal. You can either become a sociopath or get eaten alive.

Yes, I'm in therapy, and no, it isn't helping. SSRIs are the best they can do. I've probably always had some sort of autism or severe ADHD that's kept me from connecting with people, but there's a six-month wait to get tested. At some point, even the best therapists will just throw up their hands.

I was weak for not making the break earlier, but doing it now hasn't changed that.

4 comments posted: Saturday, March 26th, 2022