Say something or keep my mouth shut?

Need a little advice again. I have a few recent posts here that explain more but I caught WH having his 2nd affair recently. He still denies it but I have proof. He wanted me to agree to an open marriage and I won’t. He’s a narcissist & only cares about himself. After I caught him he started going out every single night I’m pretty sure just to upset me. Finally this past Friday I told him I thought we should tell our 3 kids that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore if he’s going to be going out every night because I do not want to teach our kids that that is normal or acceptable behavior for a husband and father. I feel like I’ve already taught them his terrible behavior is ok by standing by & dealing with it without divorcing him for so long. He doesn’t want to tell them that. He doesn’t want to get divorced. So, he stayed home Friday night. He was out of town for the weekend for his hobby and then stayed home this week until today. He left and a little bit later I had to run to the store. His car just so happened to be there when I got there. While I was in the store I looked outside & saw him getting into his car. He saw me too. He didn’t come from inside the store so my guess is that he was somewhere close with his whore (she knows he’s married & just doesn’t care apparently) and saw me get there with our oldest daughter & decided to leave. I haven’t said anything to him and he hasn’t said anything to me. I want sooooooo badly to go tell him he’s pathetic and if they think I’m not going to expose both of them when I’m ready to (I have irrefutable proof) they’re delusional. Also that I’m sure her female friends in their hobby that they do won’t like her very much once they find out she’s a whore. I’m trying really hard not to because I’m planning to divorce him (he doesn’t know this) and I’m just in the getting my ducks in a row stage. I’m really trying to do the 180 & just focus on myself & our kids. So, I should just keep my mouth shut right? Knowing him he’d get some sick pleasure out of knowing that it upset me anyway & with me not saying anything he’s probably stewing about it wondering what I’m going to say and/or do. I wish it didn’t hurt anymore but it still does. I guess I just need someone else to tell me that it’s smarter for me not to say anything to him about it because I’m literally dying to.

9 comments posted: Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Getting ducks in a row

So, I’m getting my ducks in a row. WH wants to stay together and have an open marriage "for the kids’ sake" so that they don’t have to move from their house. That’s what he says anyway. I’m 99.9% sure that in reality it’s because he doesn’t want to take the hit to his ego, reputation & finances. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 13 years. He has always gotten to do whatever he wants with his time when he’s not working. That would obviously have to change if we get divorced and he has any kind of custody. I have told him that I am not at all interested in an open marriage and that he is having an affair. I haven’t told him I’m 100% positive that I’m going to file for divorce (this is his 2nd affair that I’m 100% sure & have proof of but I have no idea how many times he’s actually cheated on me) and I’m just biding my time while I get all of my ducks in a row. The problem is that he goes out incredibly often. Like almost every night. I’m trying soooooooo hard not to care and not to be bothered by it but it’s not working. Any tips? I asked my therapist and she said that’s going to be incredibly hard since I’m not a robot lol I’m sure that’s true but do any of you who have had to go through this have anything to suggest that worked for you? I’m definitely doing the 180 & he doesn’t know that it bothers me but it still REALLY bothers me

12 comments posted: Tuesday, September 13th, 2022

Back again

I was here back in 2018. My WH had an affair with my daughter’s best friend’s mom back then. I kicked him out but didn’t file for divorce. A few months later he moved back in without my permission. He wanted to make the marriage work. He told me he had stopped talking to the AP completely. I didn’t believe him and assumed she must have broken up with him & that’s why he was home. He swore that wasn’t it & that he had just decided that he wanted his family. About 6 months after that I ended up talking to the AP & found out that he was telling me the truth. He had completely ghosted her. Just stopped responding to her texts & phone calls the night he moved back into our house. She cried to me on the phone & told me he was her world & he completely broke her heart & she couldn’t believe he ghosted her bc the way he looked into her eyes couldn’t have been fake. She sent me screenshots of lovey messages he had sent her. The fact that he had actually ghosted her & was telling me the truth about that was the only reason I decided to give him another chance. His affair literally broke me though. I also sort of felt forced into trying to work it out which was also really really hard for me.

I’m 99.9% sure he’s a narcissist. He was nice to me on & off but never actually consistently nice. He was much nicer to me than he was before the affair but that’s not really saying much. I think I sort of hated myself for staying with him. I gained a lot of weight which looking back I think was bc I knew if I started to love myself again there was no way I could stay with him. He convinced me (& still sort of has me convinced that it would be completely selfish of me to divorce him & break up our family. We have 3 girls that are 15, 11 & 9 now. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 12 years. During Covid we moved states which I had wanted to do for a long time and WH finally agreed. This made me think he really did want our marriage to work. It’s a long story but I ended up unable to walk August 2021-March 2022. I was in a wheelchair. He wasn’t very nice to me during that time. I finally was able to start walking again & I lost a lot of weight & started feeling a lot more confident in myself. We have been in separate bedrooms for a year but as far as I knew it was bc we had different sleeping patterns. When I was able to start walking again I wanted to actually do things as a family and as a couple. He was too into his hobby and basically refused. He said he’s "a middle aged man and he just wants to do his hobby and relax". He’s always thought that providing financially for the family is all that he needed to do & that was enough. We went on a group family/friends vacation in May & he was terrible. He didn’t actually even spend any time with us. About this time is when I started feeling like he was having an affair again. He denied it of course. He has always refused the option of having an amicable divorce. He has basically always said he’ll make my life miserable if I divorce him. He used to say that he would move to another country & never see the kids again to avoid child support. He hasn’t said that since I took him back after the 2018 affair though. I really wanted to make our marriage work & stupidly told him he could choose to either actually work on our marriage, stay married but not actually be married or get divorced. I was trying to get him to actually want to work on our marriage. He would never give me an answer. I just intuitively knew he was having an affair again but he wouldn’t admit it. This is already incredibly long so I’ll shorten this part. A few weeks ago I caught him out at a restaurant with another woman. She also does the hobby that he does. He swore there was another person there & I just didn’t see them when I was there bc they were in the bathroom. I obviously didn’t believe him. I had made it clear to him before this and again after this that I did not agree to any kind of open marriage & I expected him to be faithful to me. Well, today I found out he was at a hotel with the same woman. I waited at the hotel until they left and took a video of them leaving. He swears that they weren’t doing anything (I would have to be a complete moron to believe that). He says it was creepy that I followed him & I’m crazy. He’s basically repeated the same patterns that he did during the affair in 2018 which is how I think I just knew he was cheating again. He wants to stay married & each just do what we want. He is again telling me that I would be totally selfish & ruin everyone’s lives if I divorce him. He’s also trying to tell me that he can sue me if I tell people he’s cheating and show them the video. He’s saying a video of him leaving the hotel with her doesn’t prove anything. Pretty sure him thinking that he can sue me (which he says is according to his lawyer friend) is bs but he’s always been very worried about his reputation.

So, here’s the thing. I’m a complete moron and I still love him for some reason. This hurts really really really bad. I also have a very dim outlook on men being faithful which makes me feel like I’ll be single for the rest of my life. I don’t know what to do. He literally wants to stay married and not tell anyone anything and just pretend we’re married but have an open marriage. I really don’t think I’m capable of that but I also still feel like I would be a horrible person for ruining our kids’ stability if I file for divorce. He’s definitely pounded that into my head. I don’t know why I’m so hurt even though he’s been so terrible to me for so long & part of me still really wants to save our marriage & family. In 2018 as soon as he knew I was completely done with him, that’s when he came home. I’m worried about that too. If I finally completely detach again is he just going to do the same thing he did before & suck me back in?

Sorry this is so long. I just needed to get it out & talk to someone since I haven’t talked to anyone in real life yet. I’m pretty sure the AP is married or has a boyfriend so I’m trying to figure out how to find that out too so that I can tell him. I would want to know. Any advice on how to deal with all of this? Am I a completely terrible person if I file for divorce?

18 comments posted: Monday, August 29th, 2022