Where do we go from here?

24 years ago I met the woman who I plan to be with until I take my last breath. And I will never forget our first date, or many of the special times we have had together. She is a priceless treasure whom has been the best part of my life. We were married and we did our best to blend together, a divorced father of four and a divorced mother of two. We have no children together.

Our journey began when we met while my future wife was interviewing for the company I worked for, and relationship continued as we began working together. As we began to spend more time together I began to appreciate her and really enjoy the visits. She was so articulate and able to drop the funniest lines with perfect timing. She would drive us places in her car, singing along with the radio to top 40, rock, and country and my heart would melt as she sang. When we left each other after work, or departed after a date night, or said our final goodbye’s on the phone that night, I would daydream and relive the time together.

I have been unfaithful to my wife 4 times during our 24 years together.

My first affair happened 2 years into our marriage after being sent for training by my company to another state, and it was a one-night stand. I met a girl at the training workshop who said she had just turned 21. We went out for dinner and then drinks which turned things out with the worst outcome possible because I didn’t stand up for my marriage or my wife. The person that I had the affair with didn’t want to have any exchanges of any kind afterward, so we didn’t talk or see each other ever again. I have never pursued this person and can’t even recall their name. That says a lot about how awful of a person I am.

After we celebrated our 3rd anniversary, I was given the opportunity for a position with a different employer which required travel. The travel requirement was for 40-45 weeks a year of being away from home and most trips were 12 days long. There were both downsides and upsides to the job which was very demanding. We enjoyed the good times and the added benefits which came with it and suffered through many difficult times and historic events.

The saddest thing I am ashamed of is that I didn’t learn from my first mistake. As I travelled so much, I began to explore porn and masturbation because I missed the intimacy that my wife and I shared. I began to compartmentalize and rationalize that I wasn’t hurting anyone by watching. Porn most definitely greased the skids for me to look at women differently. I don’t mean to say porn caused me to cheat on my wife 3 more times, but it certainly didn’t help.

The second affair took place about 2 years after I started working for the new company. That affair was with an employee of the company where I was at. There was a meeting at a restaurant for dinner and then the girl came to my room on a different night, stayed for sex, then left right after. We met on one other occasion a week or so later and I brought her to my room again after she parked her car somewhere else. She called me once while and I was with my wife shopping and I excused myself from my wife to tell her I couldn’t talk. I never took another phone call from the girl again.

During one project a female (from the company I was doing the project for) approached me and made some flirtatious comments which began the 3rd affair. I responded to her flirts and was later given her number. Later we agreed to meet for dinner, and she came to the hotel where I stayed afterwards. We had sex and an affair that lasted 5 years. There was one time I flew to the state the person lived in and stayed the weekend, while lying to my wife telling her I was working. There was also one occasion this person travelled to the state I was working in and stayed 2 nights and 3 days. I saw this person several times during the first 2 years and sent holiday and birthday gifts. We exchanged texts and phone calls quite a bit for the first 2 years or a little longer, but they slowed with time. The AP eventually said they couldn’t participate, and all contact stopped.

The fourth affair started while working out of town as well, with a female bartender that worked at the hotel where I frequently stayed. There was an older woman who worked at the hotel who was past retirement age and I would talk to her when she waited on me. Then a terrible ritual (which should never have been started) began with a hug from this elderly lady on Friday’s, because in some ways she kind of seemed like family reminding me of my grandmother.

The bartender started on the breakfast shift with the older woman who had worked there for some time. She commented one Friday that only the older woman got hugs and I gave the bartender one too as well as the older woman. Then later the bartender moved from mornings to nights to work at the bar. When I would be leaving on Friday’s I would still hug the older woman and eventually the woman I had the affair with began to ask for hugs too on Thursday evenings if I saw her in the restaurant on Thursday evening. That went on for several months and I never thought too much about it. I rarely went to the hotel restaurant for dinner but would sometimes go there after working long hours.

Then the bartender started asking for hugs sometimes after I would eat dinner and they seemed to be more physical than before. I began to pay more attention to the hugs, and her ego-kibbles and respond to her actions. She gave me her phone number unexpectedly one evening after I had dinner there. Then we began to text each other. To get to the point of the story this person came to my hotel room one night when staying at the hotel due to bad weather one night. This happened a second time as well. Then my wife eventually caught me texting her from our home on a Friday night after working late. But my wife had already started to catch on and see the changes in me from the affair. And that was our DD#1.

When my wife caught me texting the 4th affair partner I thought that I should divorce her and take all of the secrets of the 3 previous affairs to my grave. And that seemed like the best solution to the problem at the time, but it was the easy way out and unfair to my wife of 23 years. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my wife about the 3 previous affairs for over a year because of how traumatized and triggered she was from her knowledge of the most recent affair only. The shame and guilt would overwhelm me to the point sometimes that it was difficult to continue talking about it, especially when my wife was already triggered during most of our conversations. But I did tell her which lead to DD#2.

I am hoping that my wife and I can manage to work things out and stay together.

2 comments posted: Sunday, March 7th, 2021