Nobody is the villain in their own story. But if a stranger read your book would they agree?
First Post over here
Hi I'm really looking for some insight. I have been in active R for 4.5 and seen some real insight and progress with WH. But he has violated wayward boundaries on a couple of occasions in the last 6 months.
There was several years with nothing like this. This past 9 months or so he has suffered major trauma from his old job. And I have stood by him. But I think this is partly key for acting out and reverting to the old way. No excuse just trying to understand the situation for what it is. He did IC in the past and last violation he said he would see an ic again but didn't follow up.
Anyway this last violation was pretty major. It was a well known deal breaker. And as a result I've just shut down.
I feel numb. I feel nothing. I'm usually emotive and reactive intense I pursue resolutions and give demands and conditions although admittedly in the past couple of years I stopped that and handed it all over to him. And I've stopped accepting certain things but also stopped trying to "fix" certain things.
We were in a good place in the relationship when he decided to violate this boundary. He was acting out due to unhappiness in his new job. He stated lack of feeling in control wanting to act out wanting to cause chaos and feeling comfortable in the bad guy role as well as feeling "something" when there is a drama going on. He totally recognises all of this is unhealthy. But he hasn't seemed to break the cycle.
Anyway back to me
I'm trying to figure how I know to trust this numb done feeling. Is it my body shutting down to avoid further trauma? Or is this the end of the road no more angry no decision made emotionally its the finality of being finished?
Did you know? Did you fear you would regret s/d? Was it easy to trust yourself?
I cant picture my next move as I deep down don't want either option... but I think I am so done with the trauma and situation he keeps putting me into. I no longer am willing to enter into that cycle. I feel very differently looking at him I feel.pity. I love in a caring and pitiful way.
[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 12:41 AM, June 11th (Friday)]
23 comments posted: Friday, June 11th, 2021
