Advice needed
It's been a while! I'm requesting some insights and advice from this wise group. Scenario:
Would you considering getting back together with an ex girlfriend if she's slept with someone since the breakup but you haven't? You broke up with her, not because she cheated, but because you weren't being treated right. You dated her for a year and were discussing the possibility of marriage, and you've been broken up 4 months, and she only waited 1 month (barely) to sleep with someone else. The "good part": she realized it was a mistake, and started counseling after that, and hasn't dated since and is now reaching out to me to discuss reconciliation.
My hangup: 1 month feels like a slap in the face to jump in bed with someone after a significant relationship... I remember having the opportunity to sleep with someone (post breakup flirting happens!), but I decided I wasn't ready and I also thought to myself it would limit the possibility of reconciliation, which I was hopeful for. She did have some insights from counseling that makes me think she's trying to improve herself. I've also been in counseling, btw.
I go back and forth. Given a slightly different set of circumstances, I could have easily done the same thing. I don't judge her for doing it because she was single, but how soon after really hurts. And being a betrayed spouse (from another relationship, keep in mind), the mind movies creep in with this new scenario 
... I have to catch them and do some CBT exercises to work some logic into me.
I know no one can tell me the right path here, I'm just wondering what you would do or any advice you might have.
13 comments posted: Thursday, September 21st, 2023
Girlfriend staying close to ex's children
I've been dating someone for a couple of months, it's going really well, except recently I found out something I'd like to hear everyone's thoughts on. She dated someone on and off for a few years, and he has 2 kids (preteen boys) that he has full time. They lived together for a brief stint during the peak of COVID (for quarantine convenience is my understanding). They've been broken up for ~6 months. She intends to maintain a relationship with his kids - taking them to the zoo, park, school shopping, etc... Maybe not things weekly, but every couple of months seemed like what she described.
This makes me uncomfortable. Like, why would she be blurring the boundaries with her ex by being a pseudo-motherly figure to her ex's kids? When I've gone through break-ups in the past, the break-up was all inclusive - parent and children. It's not like I'd completely shun them, I'd be friendly if I saw them, but my part of that relationship is done, and I didn't see a need to continue to bond with the kids separately from the now ex/parent.
And, we both have kids of our own - wouldn't her new partner's kids be the ones she should be focusing on building a relationship with? We haven't introduced our kids yet, but that's coming, and I see that being a weird thing in the future.
Her intent seems good - she says they don't have a good adult figure in their life and she's trying to be that. But to me it just seems like she's trying to be a motherly figure for her ex's kids, which impedes blossoming a new relationship.
Am I being unreasonable by being bothered by this situation? Before I make a decision on what to do, I wanted to hear what everyone's thoughts are.
10 comments posted: Monday, June 27th, 2022
Non-exclusive talk advice??
Just looking for some dating advice... I recently started back on a dating app, had a couple of nice dates with a very recently divorced woman. But I got the sense that she was expecting a lot after just 2 dates (only kissing, no sex, if that matters), so at the end of the second date I told her I wanted to make sure she knew we weren't exclusive and I wanted to take things slow for my own sake (I tend to fall into relationships very fast). She looked genuinely hurt and confused, saying she wasn't pursuing anyone else other than me. The best path for me is to date a few people at one time, and gradually weed them out until I find someone I really click with. I feel like this is standard dating advice in this day and age?
So fast forward a bit (girl above didn't work out for obvious reasons), and now I've been dating a girl for a couple of weeks I do really like. But, I don't want to be exclusive for at least a month or two, while I'm getting to know her. The last girl has me gun shy, should I tell this new girl we're not exclusive or just assume she knows how dating works (she's been single a long time so it's not like she just got divorced and is still learning how to date)?
Don't get me wrong, I want to be exclusive with someone ultimately, but it's not healthy for me to commit to that unspoken after just a few dates. Is it safe to assume you're not exclusive until you have "the talk"? I hated how I felt after hurting the first girl, but it was literally our second date and she was surprised we weren't exclusive 
. I'm just trying to tread the fine line between good communication and assuming unspoken rules of dating.
10 comments posted: Tuesday, March 22nd, 2022
+1 for trusting your gut!
Just wanted to a throw a little reassurance out here for anyone who has trouble trusting your gut.
I recently found out that my 2nd to last girlfriend (not LDR girl but the one before her) cheated on me - if not physically, emotionally at a minimum. I found out through a mutual friend she basically had her next boyfriend lined up months before we broke up.
Here's the thing! I KNEWWW this girl had red flags, and she talked me into ignoring them (I tried to break up with her several times the first few months when flags were flying). She always talked me out of it, and we stayed together for 1.5 years, with many red flags/pits in my stomach feelings that I ignored.
It's been a while since that breakup, so I'm not that hurt (I'm mostly angry), though it does mess with your head a bit. I just wanted to give some reassurance to people to trust your gut, and don't let people talk you out of that!
0 comment posted: Wednesday, February 16th, 2022
Gaslighting Magnet?
This goes along with the statistic I've heard that if you're cheated on once, you're most likely to be cheated on again (oof).
My past 2 girlfriends have tried to gaslight me in different scenarios - not cheating related but little things to cover themselves so they can pretend like something didn't happen. My last girlfriend broke up with me, called me 2 days later trying to convince me she didn't break up with me, and that the conversation just didn't go as she wanted. WTF? I was there, we broke up, we did all the break up things - crying, etc, I remember very clearly... She later apologized and did ask to get back together, which I declined mostly because of the gaslighting approach she took.
Anyway, I wonder if there's something about me that invites gaslighting? My memory isn't the clearest always, BUT, when I know something happened, I know it happened, and I of course have a spidysense for gaslighting bullsh*t.
Thoughts on this - has anyone else experienced this?
Oh, and on a positive NB note, I'm really proud of myself for keeping my dignity and not just getting back together with her after that really bizarre experience.
17 comments posted: Monday, February 7th, 2022
The Disease to Please
My therapist recommended this one, I'm halfway through it and really enjoying it. It sort of mirrors the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book, only applicable to both sexes and doesn't try to blame everything on your mother.
0 comment posted: Sunday, June 2nd, 2019
