Newest Member: Hurtandbeyond


(I edit to correct typos) I am the BS in a lesbian marriage. My WW's ex-girlfriend was the AP. D-day of the 6 mo A was 10/04/15 We are doing okay, but by now I wanted it to be better

Update: Finally, after 7+ years my wife is seeking help

Many of the old-timers here know my story. My wife engaged in a secret affair with her ex-girlfriend in 2015 (d-day 10/04/15). She immediately ended it, cutting contacts with her ex. We struggled with therapy for a couple years, but she never made any significant progress. There were years of TT and it took here over 3-4 years to stop being defensive or dismissive. We have been doing much better the last couple years.

Sometime in the last 12-18 months a series of events and some random contacts helped her become aware that her anger and poor handling of the aftermath, which have caused me major stress and health issues, could possibly have stemmed from military service related sexual trauma. (My wife was sexually assaulted three times during her service in the Army.) She has met with a counselor and has been given a PTSD diagnosis. She will be seeking treatment (talk therapy) and filing a claim for MST benefits, as her experiences caused the development of unhealthy patterns of conflict resolution, that caused problems in many areas of her life and that in part led her to engage in her "escape" affair. It is possible we may also receive some couples therapy as well, which I know I will need by how I am physically reacting to each of her new discoveries and the issues she is dealing with.

I think at this time I am feeling the loss of time "wasted" by her refusal to address her issues earlier. It has greatly contributed to my mental and physical health declines. I now find I need to learn how to handle my anger about being a victim of her cruel and unempathetic reactions to my pain after d-day. And Omg — I tear up and tense up when I hear her apologize and acknowledge her part in this this. Where was THAT when I needed it?

Just thought I’d post an update.

7 comments posted: Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Wife finally doing what she needed to do 8 years ago

We are in "affair season" right now: the affair was just getting up to speed this time of year, 8 years ago. My wife dragged her feet on IC until about a year had passed and she learned she was eligible for free counseling through the VA. She probably didn’t go for more that 6-8 visits or so, saying her counselor seemed to be more focused on another issue.

She should have continued back then, for many reasons, but to help me was an important one. But my wife was cowardly and selfishly did all she could to protect herself from having to face her betrayal of me, or digging around in her past to see if there were old wounds that were preventing it.

Now she had learned that she can file a claim for sexual trauma that occurred during her nearly four years in the military back in the 80’s. She very well may qualify for benefits due to her experiences. But she must be evaluated, diagnosed with PTSD, and treat with a psychologist. And I am all for this — fully supportive.

But I am struggling with this as well. I am suffering some pretty awful permanent physical and emotional damage from her years of foot dragging, TT, defensiveness, and some uncharacteristic cruelty that is likely a result of her past trauma. Normally I would say I’ll benefit too if she qualifies for disability, but the timeline for the whole process is not giving me much hope. I’ve suffered some irreversible damage to my nervous system that I get to deal with, while she works to off-load her issues. And no amount of money will undo or fix what stress has done to my health. Just facing this is triggering me, because it still feels like this will be all about her … and it’s too late for me. It’s a crap way to feel, but to be honest, I’ve had to accept so much just to survive. She is my caregiver. I’m hoping at least she might learn how to deal with me as my health continues to decline. I’m feeling pretty much like "leftovers" and a burden … instead of the person she’d do absolutely anything to protect and keep safe, as she stated
in her marriage vows 9 years ago.

I’m overwhelmed. Exhausted. In constant physical discomfort and pain. Battle-scarred. Disappointed. Sad.

6 comments posted: Monday, May 22nd, 2023

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