Me: BSMarried 11 years, 2 young kidsDDay 11/3/14, Discovered he was still a fuckwit: 7/10/15 DIVORCED 11/12/2015"Sometimes when you're in a dark place you think you've been buried, but actually you've been planted."

Affair season 6 years later

Hi,

Some of you may remember me vaguely from my time on here - I was a fairly active poster from 2015-2018. My xwh had a brief affair with a cw from August - October 2014, which I caught via a text he received, and after 8 months of trying to figure out if R was possible I filed for D after discovering he had created an Ashley Madison account.

Since that time, so much has happened and I’m overall in such a good place mentally and emotionally. I have a great but challenging job, my kids are doing wonderfully and both in middle school now (online, due to COVID), I have paid off my car and am about to refinance my house, and I’m almost two years into a relationship with an amazing guy.

And yet. Here I am. It must be affair season doing this to me - I seem drawn here lately, reading posts in JFO and General and Reconciliation....and feeling confused about why I’m doing it. I’m not worried my bf will cheat - mostly bc of who he is as a human and how open and honest our relationship is. I never knew a relationship could be so transparent and vulnerable and he communicates so well; we truly seem to have established radical honesty in our relationship and it’s so mind blowing to realize just how dysfunctional my marriage was in that sense. To be completely honest, I’ll maybe never trust anyone 100%, and that’s a thing he knows and he’s worked hard to understand it and to give me all the words and actions I need to believe he is who he says he is. Nevertheless, I’ve found myself thinking about infidelity and testing him a little here and there (asking about past relationships, checking who he follows on IG, things like that) and I sort of hate that I’m feeling compelled in this way. He’s never ‘failed’ any of my ‘tests’, which is of course reassuring especially since I don’t think he even knows he’s being tested. None of this is because I don’t trust HIM, it’s more that I still don’t fully trust myself and I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever get to a place where I feel safe letting my guard down again.

Is there a secret for letting go of the past and learning to love again with full trust? Or am I just doomed to always have that little shell of protection I can’t shake off, no matter how much my partner and I both work on it?

9 comments posted: Sunday, August 23rd, 2020

I have gtg envy. Any AZ people interested in one?

I've met two of my fellow AZ Si-ers, but I'd love to meet more!

If you're from AZ, say hi!

21 comments posted: Sunday, January 1st, 2017