Hello Numb, Sorry this thread is a bit slow at times. We have chatted on other threads and after re-reading a few of my posts I’m not sure what to offer beyond support and understanding. I don’t really think there is a destination called healed or a marriage that feels repaired or reconciled in any literal sense, not for me. I am not really seeking much beyond good enough for now.
I wish I could tell you it hurts less, and it does, but my heart still aches for what was lost, and what never was real. I understand that my WH never wanted to leave me, intended to stay married to me, and wants to be with me now. He loves me as best as he is able, but the hurt runs so deep that his version of love allows for so much betrayal and disrespect. He is also capable of terrible mental gymnastics to evade reality or consequences, he is stubborn and selfish and has mangled what we had so badly it may be beyond my scope to heal or move forward with him. I am stuck in a perpetual if/then loop. If he loved me, then he would have done so many things differently since DDay1. He was pretty emotionally flat and checked out at first too, which I misinterpreted as his calm nature. I didn’t realize how much shock he was in, or the depth of the issues I was going to drag up for him as I refused to let him control the outcome. I’m scared of the new layers I’ve peeled back, the roots of those feelings he keeps in those compartments where he kept his girlfriend and his wife separate. I miss believing we truly knew and cared for each other. I miss so much about the us I thought we were. And my brain is twisted into pretzels trying to figure out what is left, what we are now and trying not to think about what he and his nasty gf really were to each other. My WH talked a lot of trash about his mistress, but I saw enough chats and emails to know he cared for her and didn’t want to lose her. She is his second longest relationship, as I’m sure yours is as well. What a creepy reality to know she lurked in my life in a secret parallel, me the clueless fool in love.
Clearly I did not know my husband as well as I thought. He misjudged almost everything about me too. He has been absolutely surprised to know I had issues with loneliness or feeling unappreciated in our marriage. He has always assumed I was happy. He has not paid attention. He didn’t think I would be this hurt or take this long to get over his mistake. He is not happy with the way things have turned out, particularly my inability to be my old cheerful, hilarious loving self. I am so changed, and I am pissed about most of it.
I am not your best cheerleader for R&R with a LTA, because I don’t have a model WH doing the hard work and talking this through with me. I remind myself though, that he played that role very well when he was lying to my face to placate me and continue his life on his terms, end things when he decided, not me. I don’t think he could quit her or quit answering her messages until I made them stop. I am trying not to be negative, but I see so much of me in you - trying so hard to manage this, work the problem, take care of your family, and have way too much empathy for your WH, getting a graduate degree in affair recovery while he ponders his inability to feel the emotions he pretended to have. I just want you to proceed with caution, be sure you know what you are dealing with. If there are any details nagging at you, you need to address them all now. He has been playing a well choreographed role in his mind and your life for a very long time. Take your time thinking you understand all that you are dealing with. Our husbands don’t love like we do. They don’t honor vows, commitments, promises or values like we do. We thought they did, but they were fooling those closest to them. They are secret keepers, with a proven ability to lie with ease, and rationalize almost anything. I kept thinking I had a handle on his mindset, but it took me a while to recognize the chaos being caught brought to his world order. The healing process for us both has been slow and full of road bumps.
My therapist made me go through the exercise of what exactly would cause me to walk away from him forever, now that we have been through this and I have decided to stay and finish this journey together. It was a very good thought exercise. Clearly I have moved my boundaries of what is acceptable in order to stay with him after this charade of a soul mate relationship, so it was really good for me to stew on where my backbone would kick in, and make a commitment to myself to not lose sight of my core values and my conditions moving forward. I have moved from unconditional love to conditional marriage. I never thought I would have to be so explicit about the expectations of the arrangement.
Good luck to you moving forward. Try to detach a little and try not to steer your R, but watch and wait and see who your WH decides he is or was or wants to be. Do more work on yourself and reclaiming your life than you think possible. Radical self care and continued therapy to help rebuild the life you want, not the one you thought you had. Wishing you extreme patience and endurance for the journey ahead.