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I Can Relate :
Long Term Affairs Part 39

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NumbAndBroken ( member #85446) posted at 10:19 PM on Saturday, January 25th, 2025

Hi everyone, I’ve been trying to read through as many of the posts in this thread as possible.
I found out back in November that my H (together for almost 30 years, married for 24 years, 2 adult sons in their 20’s) has had another woman for 21 years.
15 years PA then she moved away - EA via phonecalls and texts the last 6 years.
He’s taken full ownership, said it’s all on him.
Has cut her out of his life.
Doesn’t love the OW but loves me and our sons.
Doesn’t want to be with the OW and will do anything to save our marriage.
Said it was just sex on a plate but that they did "get on".
He’s never taken her anywhere, never bought her anything. Just met for sex and chat.
Said he has completely compartmentalised me and her. Never felt guilty or thought about ending it with her though (which is another concern).
We are currently still living in the same house and talking. He answers any question I put to him (and I’ve asked him absolutely everything).
Anyone else here with an LTA of this length?
It’s the length of time that really bothers me and makes me think that this is too big to recover from.
Even if he is doing everything that’s suggested he do.
Thanks in advance.

Together for 29 years

M for 24 years

2 amazing adult kids ❤️

D-Day: 5 Nov 2024

H had PA for 15 years (but then no more physical contact but EA via text and phonecalls for 6 years with same OW)

posts: 55   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8859634
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 5:24 PM on Friday, January 31st, 2025

Hello Numb, Sorry this thread is a bit slow at times. We have chatted on other threads and after re-reading a few of my posts I’m not sure what to offer beyond support and understanding. I don’t really think there is a destination called healed or a marriage that feels repaired or reconciled in any literal sense, not for me. I am not really seeking much beyond good enough for now.

I wish I could tell you it hurts less, and it does, but my heart still aches for what was lost, and what never was real. I understand that my WH never wanted to leave me, intended to stay married to me, and wants to be with me now. He loves me as best as he is able, but the hurt runs so deep that his version of love allows for so much betrayal and disrespect. He is also capable of terrible mental gymnastics to evade reality or consequences, he is stubborn and selfish and has mangled what we had so badly it may be beyond my scope to heal or move forward with him. I am stuck in a perpetual if/then loop. If he loved me, then he would have done so many things differently since DDay1. He was pretty emotionally flat and checked out at first too, which I misinterpreted as his calm nature. I didn’t realize how much shock he was in, or the depth of the issues I was going to drag up for him as I refused to let him control the outcome. I’m scared of the new layers I’ve peeled back, the roots of those feelings he keeps in those compartments where he kept his girlfriend and his wife separate. I miss believing we truly knew and cared for each other. I miss so much about the us I thought we were. And my brain is twisted into pretzels trying to figure out what is left, what we are now and trying not to think about what he and his nasty gf really were to each other. My WH talked a lot of trash about his mistress, but I saw enough chats and emails to know he cared for her and didn’t want to lose her. She is his second longest relationship, as I’m sure yours is as well. What a creepy reality to know she lurked in my life in a secret parallel, me the clueless fool in love.

Clearly I did not know my husband as well as I thought. He misjudged almost everything about me too. He has been absolutely surprised to know I had issues with loneliness or feeling unappreciated in our marriage. He has always assumed I was happy. He has not paid attention. He didn’t think I would be this hurt or take this long to get over his mistake. He is not happy with the way things have turned out, particularly my inability to be my old cheerful, hilarious loving self. I am so changed, and I am pissed about most of it.

I am not your best cheerleader for R&R with a LTA, because I don’t have a model WH doing the hard work and talking this through with me. I remind myself though, that he played that role very well when he was lying to my face to placate me and continue his life on his terms, end things when he decided, not me. I don’t think he could quit her or quit answering her messages until I made them stop. I am trying not to be negative, but I see so much of me in you - trying so hard to manage this, work the problem, take care of your family, and have way too much empathy for your WH, getting a graduate degree in affair recovery while he ponders his inability to feel the emotions he pretended to have. I just want you to proceed with caution, be sure you know what you are dealing with. If there are any details nagging at you, you need to address them all now. He has been playing a well choreographed role in his mind and your life for a very long time. Take your time thinking you understand all that you are dealing with. Our husbands don’t love like we do. They don’t honor vows, commitments, promises or values like we do. We thought they did, but they were fooling those closest to them. They are secret keepers, with a proven ability to lie with ease, and rationalize almost anything. I kept thinking I had a handle on his mindset, but it took me a while to recognize the chaos being caught brought to his world order. The healing process for us both has been slow and full of road bumps.

My therapist made me go through the exercise of what exactly would cause me to walk away from him forever, now that we have been through this and I have decided to stay and finish this journey together. It was a very good thought exercise. Clearly I have moved my boundaries of what is acceptable in order to stay with him after this charade of a soul mate relationship, so it was really good for me to stew on where my backbone would kick in, and make a commitment to myself to not lose sight of my core values and my conditions moving forward. I have moved from unconditional love to conditional marriage. I never thought I would have to be so explicit about the expectations of the arrangement.

Good luck to you moving forward. Try to detach a little and try not to steer your R, but watch and wait and see who your WH decides he is or was or wants to be. Do more work on yourself and reclaiming your life than you think possible. Radical self care and continued therapy to help rebuild the life you want, not the one you thought you had. Wishing you extreme patience and endurance for the journey ahead.

BW: 64 WH: 64 Both 57 on Dday, M 37 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays from 2017 - 2022, with five years of trickle truth and lies. I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, or trying to.

posts: 583   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8860129
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NumbAndBroken ( member #85446) posted at 10:30 PM on Saturday, February 1st, 2025

Whatisloveanyway, thank you so much. Your post has given me so much to think about and consider.

"What a creepy reality to know she lurked in my life in a secret parallel, me the clueless fool in love" …

I couldn’t agree more. My H has been able to completely compartmentalise his 2 lives so well that I have never seen a trace of it in his face. She has been there all these years yet I’ve never known. This is what I find so disturbing.

While I was a busy and devoted SAHM, thinking he was hard at work providing for his family, he was making time to see her.
I gave up my career to raise our children, while he kept his. And this is how he repaid me.

I will most definitely tread carefully and remember that he has lied to me for so many years.

I am so sorry that you find yourself here and totally admire your patience and loyalty to your marriage. If only our Husband’s had realised years ago what amazing women they have for wives and had made better choices. Thank you for your support and advice which I will keep reading in the coming weeks/months

Together for 29 years

M for 24 years

2 amazing adult kids ❤️

D-Day: 5 Nov 2024

H had PA for 15 years (but then no more physical contact but EA via text and phonecalls for 6 years with same OW)

posts: 55   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2024   ·   location: UK
id 8860267
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