I think explicit sex is an objective word because what is explicit to me might not be to you and vice versa.
My affair was very sexual. Yes. I wouldn’t say that’s what caused my affair or even what I was trying to get out of it. I think some people do cheat to get the type of sex they have a hard time asking for at home, or more sex. But even that is a surface want, with deeper things backing it.
Let me put it this way, let’s say you had nothing to eat at home. There are lots of options to try and remedy that. You could visit a food pantry, you could ask your neighbor, you could do day labor, etc. or you could steal it.
There are those who will go straight to stealing, and those who would rather starve than steal. A ws isn’t interested in looking at the problems and logically solving them, when it suits them their ethics fly right out the window and they want a quick fix.
I don’t know your husband. For me, I was unconscious to this black hole of need that was inside of me. And the longer I ignored it the more it grew. I think most ws’s have a poor relationship with themselves (avoidant) and that’s where the black hole comes from.
For me, I longed to be seen, heard, cherished and loved. But I didn’t do anything to solve the problem. In fact my husband was there wanting to do whatever I needed, I was incapable of receiving it because I didn’t believe I was worthy of it. I just went out and tried to steal it from someone else. And it wasn’t what I was looking for, in fact it only made that relationship with myself worse.
The AP in my case was looking for sex. He was a serial cheater and had sex as a specific aim. I got to know him just well enough to see that was a form of validation to him. He was actually a very insecure person who got high on the reassurance of being able to get women into bed. I think he was gearing up for kinkier things, it was coming up in conversation. It ended before they came to fruition. But I think it was more his ego wanting to see what he could get, rather than those things being a true need.
The thing about fantasies, sexual or any other kind is it may not be what you made it in your head. It can turn out to be something you actually didn’t like at all.
So yes I think it’s possible your husband found out he didn’t like something, or that getting it brought him a lot of shame. For me, there was a lot of anticipation towards the sex but in the end it didn’t bring me what I really wanted. In fact it made me feel worse. If I had sat down and really looked at it and realized what was missing and looked at the options of how that could be accomplished we would be in a different scenario.
Instead, I went right out and tried to make myself feel better, like the thief I was. The issue that your husband needs to address now is what makes him the type that he fails to look at his needs and address them within the parameters of integrity and human decency?
What made him go steal the candy bar instead of recognizing what he really needed and finding the right way to nourish himself? (And please know I realize what he did was far worse than stealing a candy bar, I am just trying to keep the food analogy) This takes therapy. From there the person can learn to be more mindful, more conscious, and approach coping with their problems and needs in a much healthier way.
As the bs it’s natural for you to look at this at face value. It seems like he wanted elicit sex, and he went and had it. But it’s deeper than that. A lot of character flaws went into it that you can’t fathom because you don’t have them.
But I can absolutely attest to the idea that affair sex can be empty. I went to McDonald’s and stole a hamburger when I had prime rib at home with all the trimmings. The problem is I didn’t know how to cook it, prepare it and it was easier to get the need met by something that wasn’t nearly as satisfying. It’s laziness, complacency, lack of self awareness, sloppy boundaries, poor moral character- I could go on and on. I had to fix those things so I developed a different relationship with myself and created a world where I stop and evaluate my needs and find options on getting them met. Instead of letting it all pile up into as I am throwing things at to distract myself from the pain it is causing.
Affairs are a very personal attack on the bs. Whereas for the ws it’s a poor coping mechanism. Perhaps it would have been easier to see it had nothing to do with you or your marriage had he chose drugs, drinking, or gambling. The overall results would likely be the same- it would have been destructive to your lives. But the ways affairs are different from those types of escapes is it would not have taken from you what the affair did.
[This message edited by hikingout at 4:51 AM, Wednesday, January 17th]