SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I sincerely apologize for the threadjacking, and for upsetting your BS. I'm realizing that I I tend to get caught up in exploring nuance and abstract ideas, and I should have been more mindful of the context and the fact that your thread wasn’t the right place for that kind of discussion. I'll try to be more mindful of that going forward. My intention was to improve the way WS are supported here, not to start debates or upset people. If you'd prefer that I don’t engage with your posts at all, I’ll respect that as well.

My BS continues to go through periods of sadness and anger. One minute he is good to have me around, the next he struggles to even look at me. I have been working on showing remorse, empathy and sitting with him in his pain. We have been working on how to have productive conversations. When heated we both know now space is needed to cool off then when ready we have our talks. My BS amazes me everyday and I know how truly lucky I am to even be in his presence. I do find myself very clingy and spend every waking moment I have him.

Emotional volatility is normal for BS at this stage as they process everything. So is being "clingy;" that's the hysterical bonding in action. Cooling off before having discussions is a really helpful and important skill, so I'm glad you guys can do that. That's something I could be doing better in my own relationship.

He asks me a question often that I truthfully cant answer. What can I offer him now that a new relationship could not?

I am personally of the opinion that everybody is replaceable. As nice as it is to think about having a single "soulmate" in the world and being lucky enough to end up with yours, I think the reality is that while a tiny percentage of the global population might be an pretty-near-optimal match for a given individual, there are so many humans on Earth that it mathematically works out to be a large number of compatible people. So what can you offer him that a new relationship couldn't? While you have inherent value as an individual separate to that which he feels you have, the answer to his question is probably "nothing that a new relationship couldn't provide," if we're being perfectly honest. That might be a discomforting thought. (Hopefully I am not doing the insensitive logicky thing again ... But it does beg a philosophical exploration, no?) But right now it's about whether he is emotionally attached to and invested in a relationship with you specifically, and whether he believes you can recover and change enough to become a safe partner for him to be with. Value is subjective and exists in relationships where people assign it.

A better set of questions for you both to answer would be:

-What do you want from your partner and your marriage?

-Are you able to give those things to each other (or rather, do you think you will be able to give them to each other eventually)?

-Are both of you willing to wait for the other to recover/heal/change?

And those don't need concrete answers right now or right away. They are meant to be explored and updated as needed over time.

Edited to add, I had chatGPT summarize it more cleanly:

A marriage is an ongoing system that only continues if both partners choose to participate in it. After betrayal, the betrayed partner evaluates whether continued participation is viable given their attachment, emotional capacity, and willingness to rebuild. The wayward partner’s task is not to prove their "relative value,"to the betrayed spouse, but to determine whether they genuinely want the relationship and whether they can become a safe partner through internal psychological work and sustained behavioral change. Each person is responsible for their own internal evaluation and commitment, but neither can control the final outcome independently.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 5:26 AM, Tuesday, June 16th]

He asks me a question often that I truthfully cant answer. What can I offer him now that a new relationship could not?

And this is why in the end, no answer is ever as elegant as its question.

You already know it, or at least sense it. It’s in there.

But is difficult to find the words isn’t it?

The answer within the question is simple but I find that somehow people often struggle to " see it" not just speaking it.

It is nothing and everything.

Can you sense just why?

Have you taken ownership for your actions to your parents? Have you rewritten your marital history and villified your husband? If so, have you done or said anything to correct or repair that damage?

My wife had done things like that and she's put significant effort into correcting that. She has put a lot of effort into "setting the record straight" by owning her share in our problems. She made it known I wasn't the villain she portrayed me to be. That she had often been dishonest and always painted herself in a positive, innocent light while portraying me negatively. That doesn't "fix" years of treachery, but it has gone a long way toward repairing some of the damage. Your husband might really appreciate the effort.

Its the failing to respect the boundaries that are in place. My family is a boundary that I have struggled to keep. I need to keep my distance, do not share what is going on between my BS and I for both my BS and children. My parents who i have always been close with are not friends to my BS and I situation. I know and understand this is a requirement and though it is hard it needs to be done

I was super close to my father. I idolized him growing up. When he left my mom for his AP, I tried very hard to keep him as a part of my life. But his AP is a person who is…willing to do anything, let’s say, to get what she wants. She lies and manipulates and is vicious when angry. I kept inviting Dad to things alone, without her, but he declined (told me it was Sohpie’s Choice). So I had to cut him out of my life. We’ve been estranged for over a decade.

It’s sad and I wish it weren’t so. But my wife and I concluded that she was unsafe to expose our children to, and estrangement became the only option when dad declined to respect our boundaries.

I’m sorry that it came to that for you, but it can be done. I myself am not sorry for the choice I made, because I know why I did it. I wish I were still close to my dad, but my family and my kids come first.

I have been working on showing remorse...

As gently as I can say this, when you truly begin to feel remorse, you won't have to "work on showing remorse," it will come out naturally in everything you do and say.

What can I offer him now that a new relationship could not?

The best version of you.

Your question about what can you offer your husband after all of this hits close to home for me. I have spent a fair amount of time in IC (and now MC) unpacking why I have such difficulty feeling like I have something to offer my wife that would make staying in the relationship a good option for her.

For context, I have come to realize that my FOO / childhood trauma really wired my brain to think I was not loveable / that love had to constantly be earned. That combined with lots of toxic shame from that time period resulted in me always feeling less than in my marriage. Nothing to do with how my wife treated me as she was wonderful, but I could not really accept or feel the love she offered.

That created a lot of emotional pain and was one of the root causes for my infidelity. I had very poor coping mechanisms and communication skills so I became way more susceptible to looking for unhealthy ways to try and numb that pain when I was hitting some really low points. Easy for me to see now after lots of therapy and looking retrospectively at the last 25+ years, but at the time (and for the many years thereafter that I did not disclose) I was able to effectively compartmentalize / bury it until I no longer could.

One thing we have discussed at length lately in IC is that the negative emotions I can spiral into lead to me creating narratives in my head about how my wife feels that are not at all tethered to reality. She is committed to reconciling and loves me, but when I am in a spiral I can convince myself that she is going to eventually realize she can do so much better. This is a coping mechanism I have as it helps me prepare for the eventually abandonment that I fear is coming. This also prevents me from being emotionally all in to the relationship. I am much better at recognizing this toxic thought pattern and I feel bad that my wife has to give any space to reassure me (she is wonderful in so many ways and helping me process this despite being the aggrieved party is just one example), but this has helped me realize that my feelings of inadequacy are my narrative not hers.

Reconciliation is not a guarantee for any of us, but I know that my best chance is to be all in and not worry about what I can offer my wife. I need to be the best version of me that I can and she will decide if that is someone she can be happy spending the rest of her life with. We are all the sum of all of our good and bad (and believe me I spend so much bandwidth focusing on the bad, which I think is natural for many WS going through the early days after disclosure) and even though my wife has many days where the anger is present and many sad days thinking about the affair she wants to reconcile and I owe it to both of us to focus on being 100% committed to that process rather than worrying about all the reasons she has to leave. I have to remind myself that those hard days are a natural and healthy part of reconciling and not an indication that my wife wants to leave me. The hard times are necessary for her to process the trauma from my actions.

Accepting her grace and love does not come naturally to me so I really identify with your feelings. Definitely think talking about these issues with a solid therapist who understands betrayal trauma (and there is a lot of trauma for both the BS and WS) can really help. I also have found SI and the people who respond here to be a huge help so keep posting.

That question is haunting many.

But it’s simple and self contained really.

It was already answered but you need to see it, not thinking it.

What can you offer than any other can’t?

If you think transactionally. Nothing. About anyone could do or offer the same things that each one of us could.

We can pair bond with about anybody, potentially.

There’s only one thing that only you can offer:

You.

Simple as it is.

Nobody can ever replace the bond you have between you and your partner.

Nobody else is you.

This is the true thing you can offer. And the only thing we just wanted really. You were already chosen. That’s not replaceable.

That’s why it hurts so much.

Is that the best version of your self?

Possibly yes. What matters even more is that is honestly genuine, open and sincere. No more a performance.

Simply you

And that’s everything

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 1:32 PM, Wednesday, June 17th]

Thank you for all your responses and answering my questions. What can I offer to him but the best version of me...that is hard work that I am honestly willing to do. To clarify on remorse and when I say work on it. My biggest issue that I am struggling with is my shame and guilt which often takes the forefront. When we talk about my infidelity, my lies, my deceit I bury myself in despair telling myself im no good to anyone, I am a terrible person, I deserve nothing good. This is not being remorseful. This is me focusing on myself like I did when I chose to do all these terrible things. How do I show him the best version of me when I hate this version of me. Therapy helps and every week we say you are not a bad person you did bad things. I know the road for the ws is tough but I also know it is exponentially harder for the bs. A pain too deep that im sure many struggle to come back from. My bs says I need to work on me before I can help him.

It sounds like you are on the right track and it will probably just take some time to sink in. When you have good days and you feel strong enough to do so, those are the times you'll want to introspect and identify what other internal issues ("whys") you want to work on going forward, and/or check in with your BS to see how he's doing.

((Hopeless)) big hugs.

Your pain, guilt, and shame are so palpable. I can almost see myself in those early days of my own dday reading your words. My heart goes out to you. It’s okay that you’re hurting. It’s okay that you feel what you feel. This is part of the process.

I hear your shame the loudest. And I can see why it’s getting in the way.

When we talk about my infidelity, my lies, my deceit I bury myself in despair.

I remember that collapse. It took a kind of courage I didn’t even know existed inside me to face my BH’s pain. To this day, nothing has scared me more. I had to talk myself into doing the brave thing over and over again. It didn’t come naturally.

Shame is a ruthless trap. Shame collapses you inward. Shame makes everything about you. Shame tells you you’re unworthy, unfixable, unlovable. Shame is easy. It's the emotional pattern most of us learned long before infidelity ever happened. It's the same pattern that made you vulnerable to secrecy, avoidance, and self‑betrayal. It is not serving you.

Next time you’re discussing these things, just try something different. Find your courage. Stand up straighter. Face his pain without wavering. Be brave. It may feel like the literal end of your life (trust me I know) but you will be ok, and every time you do the scary thing, the next time it feels less scary, the next time even more so, and before you know it you're a pro at doing the hard things. It gets easier.

You’re doing things you’ve never done before so of course it’s going to dysregulate you. That means you’ll need new coping skills. That’s where your IC, books, and research come in. And then you actually practice those skills. And honestly? Your BH is the perfect person to practice them with.

And Hopeless... You don’t have to love this version of yourself to start becoming the next one.You don’t have to feel worthy to begin acting like someone who is. You don’t have to feel healed to start healing.You just have to stay willing. And you are.

The version of you who betrayed him is not the version of you who is writing this now. And the version of you who will exist a year from now will not be the one who is struggling today.You don’t have to show him the "best version" of you yet. You just have to show him the honest version of you, the one who is trying, learning, growing, and not running from the discomfort.

That is enough for right now.

What you need to do....FOCUS ON HIS EXPERIENCE. Justify his emotions. Even when he brings up something horrible you did....resist looking inward....justify him.

Use the shame that does show up to learn to utterly hate the parts of you that did this. But realize that Christ makes us new!!!