Hi everyone,
This is really more of an update post. And so sorry if it's a bit long.
Firstly, thank you to everyone who commented on my post - reading your truth made me better see my own and the advice you all offered has been invaluable.
Shortly after my last post, I went to see a divorce lawyer, which was incredibly hard and I was in tears almost the whole time, as it didn't feel real to be sitting there, initiating a divorce I never wanted. But I'm glad I got the legal advice and know my rights and how to protect myself and my kids. All I need to do now is the maintenance agreement and just trying to raise funds for that as it's quite a bit of money I don't have at the moment.
We have been separated now for four months with the kids and I living in our own place for the last two months and him living in our old house. My WH knows I have gone to see the lawyer and that I'm proceeding with the divorce that he has 'wanted for years' despite never communicating a word of his unhappiness to me until D-Day in January.
I have been so good with limited contact with him and haven't seen him for a month or spoken to him in person, other than communicating on WA about our kids/finances. I make sure I am not here when he fetches the kids. I know I can't do this forever, at some point I will have to try to do better for the kids sake but for now, I cannot see him in person as I feel like I'm having a panic attack. I want to be a good example for my kids and have grace with him but it's very hard emotionally.
Very recently, our 11-year-old daughter came to me in tears late one night and told me how she feels so numb to everything, cries herself to sleep every night, has thoughts of self-harm and suicide. It totally & completely gutted me. It really and truly broke me and my heart and for the first time, I felt an intense hatred for him and what he has done to our kids.
I'm so worried about her and I don't know how to fix this. Our son, who is 15, has also expressed similar feelings, but is more closed up about his feelings but I know he is hurting. Both kids are in counselling and I'm doing everything I can to support my kids through this. My kids and I have fun and lots of laughs and are making so many good memories together. I do my best to distract them from all this chaos that has been unleashed onto their lives. Sometimes, it feels like we are three broken people living in this tiny apartment - that we are just the collateral damage and debris of his horrible choices.
I decided to go sit down with my WH and tell him what is happening with our kids - that they are not 'fine' as he seems to want to believe but as the counsellor said, are experiencing trauma. They would never be in counselling if it wasn't for his poor choices. He seemed surprised that they are not as resilient as he has convinced himself they would be, that they are 'fine' when they are with him, and said he is worried and that this is very serious, but seems at a loss of what else to do.
I don't know what he can do either. I just told him he needs to always put his kids first and to be there for them but is missing out on their day to day lives and for that, I actually feel pity for him. It all makes me feel so alone and I don't know how I can be strong enough to get the three of us through this, especially my kids who have had their lives blown to pieces.
Talking to him was so strange and surreal. He told me that he realises now that he should have spoken to me about his feelings long ago. And that he doesn't blame me for anything. This is quite a U-turn from D-Day and the weeks that followed where all my flaws were cited in the rewriting of our marriage as the reason for the affair/divorce. Is he gaslighting me, by saying all the things he told me on that cruise from hell and in the weeks that followed, that he never said them??? I know what he said because it's seared into my heart and will never forget them but now he denies ever saying them.
He now says it's all him and not me and that he is numb to everything and everyone and 'broken' about this divorce that he wants and still wants. That day I actually felt so sad for him but is this real or is he playing me? Why would he be doing that??? I felt manipulated in the house after D-Day and wonder if this is more manipulation.
He has also completely denied now that he is having an affair, even though he told me many times he is having an affair, he told me on the cruise it's an EA (now he claims he doesn't even know what an EA is) and told me his AP is a big part of why he wants a divorce' and there's just so many signs to me that this is more than an EA. Especially now, that we aren't living together. I doubt he's sitting at home alone, wiping away his tears.
Now he just claims that she is a friend that he has feelings for and fantasises about. He has now basically denied everything he told me on that cruise and in the weeks that followed, that tore me to shreds. But he still wants the divorce and is now denying the affair.
I know this marriage is dead now but I wanted to ask anyone what is going on in this man's head that could explain this?
He tells me he misses me so much as I'm his best friend and how much he misses the kids as the house is empty without them. How he took us all for granted. But he still wants the divorce.
Also, while I have completely avoided pain shopping, I eventually did find out a little about his AP. She's 35, he's 45 so must be a huge ego boost for him. And they've done many many runs and who knows what else together. I truly don't want to know any more about this darkness and toxic stuff he has brought into our lives.
Any insights into what goes on in a cheater's brain would be so appreciated. Thanks so much for reading.