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Maybe he feels it's been so many years, that I should have healed more by now. I haven't. I have never really addressed it. I threw myself into my work and being a Mom. Trying to figure out what is happening here. I am willing to look into counseling, maybe I will respond to it differently now after so many years?

The passion he has for rekindling isn't the problem. It's the pressure on you even after you pushed back that is. He has a right to be disappointed, but failing to listen and understand your fears and rationale is not okay.

You need to have a conversation where you clearly and calmly outline that you are not in a mental space where you can be a healthy partner to anyone. That this isn't necessarily ruling it out, but certainly a no right now. Because as unhealthy as you are right now getting into a relationship with anyone isn't fair to anyone involved. You made that mistake once which almost cost you your life and left mental scars on your daughter. In this case that is your child, him, and yourself. Assuming he actually did the work to become a safe healthy partner, none of you deserve to go through another train wreck relationship which is a high probability without you taking the time and doing the work to heal.

If he doesn't back off and let you do that work, he's just proven that he still isn't a healthy partner. He still has that selfish entitled mindset that led him to his affair and will lead him astray again. You need to do that work anyway for both you and your daughter, regardless of any reconciliation. Not saying you need to have a relationship with anyone, just that life would be better for both of you if you made it to a point where you were healthy enough to have one.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:07 PM, Friday, July 7th]

Hello Laura. I don't know what your ex could have done. While he could have reported a suspicion to the police, in my experience that results in a wellness check which if not performed in a circumspect manner could even have put you in danger again. It's a very delicate situation and I am very glad to see you are out of it.

I know if I had even a suspicious thought in a similar situation I would simply assault him and end up in jail. Which takes me from my kids. Acting direcly from anger rarely yields positive results. From the sound of it your ex is at least a solid parent, so its a good thing he did not end up in jail himself.

As for a relationship with him grubs is right. Also it doesn't sound like you feel safe with him, more like he is familiar and you feel lonely. I could be wrong but if you don't feel safe, don't let him push you into anything.

Hoping you keep doing well.

Thank You Grubs and StillGoing. Both have some very good points. Grubs, I agree. I don't think I'm good for anyone right now. Yes, it's been years,but I have a lot of unaddressed issues. I think the relationship I have with my EX is more, familiar than safe. I don't think the trust is 100% there. I know he is safe as a friend. We have been able to get back to the great conversations we used to have long before we were married. I feel comfortable having someone to talk to. He has done a lot of work to help himself. He did it for our daughter. They are very close and He has said he owed it to her for blowing up her home life, to get his shit together. Which he has. But being a father is completely different than being a husband or boyfriend. I don't think he would cheat on me again, I'm just questioning, could my unaddressed issues, cause a whole new set of issues. Which as you said Neither of us need.

StillGoing, Thank you for stating the truth. As far as the abuse and my Ex. If he knew, fully what was going on, he would have definitely assaulted my boyfriend and he would be in jail, which would have taken our daughter out of the home,she was going through enough!

That is why I would lie, and just play down any signs of violence. I knew what the outcome would be.

I don't think the trust is 100% there

About that. With your past two relationships, that 100% trust in anyone isn't coming back. You do need to have that trust in yourself, which is why I think you should try IC again.

I have a lot of unaddressed issues.

How do you plan on addressing them if not in IC?

[This message edited by Laura2020 at 9:18 PM, Friday, July 7th]

@Grubs I will be looking into IC. Years ago I didn't do well. I think I am much older and I am more open. I agree that 100% trust in anyone isn't ever going to come back. I know that is the truth, sadly. I don't want to be someone who is always suspect either. I think that is a big part of why I have decided to just stay single! The mistrust is deep. I hate the feeling of not knowing, then comes the suspect mind set and it just ruins everything. That's why I think it's safer to remain single.

@SacredSoulSister REALLY???!!! I think life can go on without IC! don't you think? Like some God helps. Someone who's not imperfect guiding an individual has seemed to help many. I've had IC before, Didn't work. That is why I SAID, I'll look into it again. That it may sit better than it did back back in 2010.

I don't know you, but from reading your posts in this thread, I mean this kindly and as objectively as possible, you have a lot of trauma to unpack. We all have trauma and talking to someone about it is in my opinion always a good thing. IC is not a catch all fix to everything and I will add that it is largely dependent on finding a good therapist who can really help you. It may take you seeing more than one before you find one that can help you, but after everything you've described from the trauma of infidelity to the trauma of being in a long term, physically abusive relationship, you are carrying the weight of 10 worlds on your shoulders and you may not even know it. I mean, they didn't all end up there at once, but slowly and steadily over the years you just kept piling the traumas up there.

My advice would be for you to focus on yourself, find a way to work on your traumas and to make peace with them, find your happiness, find your voice, find the person who you are and want to be, because coming out of all that, it can really wreak havoc on your sense of self. I will tell you something that my therapist (major shout out to him, he is the reason that I'm here on SI) told me that took a while to finally sink in, it may seem prudent when your marriage or home life is chaotic to throw yourself into your work, but at some point you have diminishing returns there, because your job isn't who you are and it is rare that we derive substantial meaning from our careers. He was so right, here I sit a couple of years following the trauma of infidelity in my life and if I had followed my own advice and thrown all my energy, focus and attention into work as I had initially planned, I would be a miserable wreck, because as I sit here today, I cannot find the exit fast enough (got a second round of interviews next week, fingers crossed). So, with that, when I saw that you threw yourself into work and being a mom, while I understand you did it as a survival mechanism, I can tell you one thing that I'm sure of, you are far more multi-dimensional person than your job and your status as a mom. You mentioned that your XWH and you are back to a friendly relationship and conversation that you had before you were married. Think back to that time, were there hobbies or interests that you pursued that you had coming into the marriage or even the early years that you gave up for him? Post divorce and post exit from the violent relationship, have you gone back to those or found new outlets? Obviously that hasn't been the focus of your posts here, but finding those outlets for you, things that kind of just for you is very important. I think that those outlets are also an important part of working through trauma. For me, one of my outlets is working out and it has great physical benefits in the here/now but since it is my alone time outside of the house, I've got my headphones in, some of my favorite tunes and I can just get lost in my own thoughts at the gym. I use that time to contemplate things in my life, solve problems, look at things from different angles and it has really helped me in processing all the things that I've had to deal with in my life. For others, it could be something with their hands like painting, working with clay, wood working, cooking, etc.

@SacredSoulSister REALLY???!!! I think life can go on without IC! don't you think? Like some God helps. Someone who's not imperfect guiding an individual has seemed to help many. I've had IC before, Didn't work. That is why I SAID, I'll look into it again. That it may sit better than it did back back in 2010.

It was a legitimate question, not a dig. I'm not trying to snipe at you.

I don't know how one really does it without the help of a counselor. Books can help, I suppose. Things like 12-step support groups can help. They're not as intensive as a counselor, though, in my experience.

Laura please don't ever let anyone make you feel bad or guilty about what you endured. You are a survivor, you survived, be proud of that.

Nobody can judge you, they haven't walked in your shoes.

I feel you on the whole counselling thing. I have had several big and terrible traumas in my life. I just could not bring myself to talk to someone about it, I tried, several time, but I couldn't do it and I don't know that it would have helped me.

What did help me was several books. The body keeps score. Body by breath. Yoga, walking, and mostly learning to forgive myself and realize that it was NOT my fault. I had to tell myself this over and over for years.

You heal yourself in the best way that works for YOU. As long as you keep working at it. Maybe talking to someone will help, and maybe it won't, but the healing comes from within either way.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. That was a heartbreaking read. Please immediately go get the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You can even download it for free in pdf version so you can read it right now, just google the name and "free pdf". I think you'll find it very helpful.

I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through, Laura. You’ve been getting a lot of great advice that I won’t belabor, but I will share that from my own experience, trauma on trauma on trauma really does need to be directly addressed. It doesn’t quite work to just get out of the traumatic experience and soldier on. Trauma alters us profoundly, and you’ve had a lot of it.

You said that you don’t think your ex would ever cheat on you again. Gently, wayward behavior is so many things beyond just, well, the cheating. It’s the lying and the entitled mindset and the manipulation of self and others to engage in all of the unhealthy behaviors and it’s the sneaking around. In order to be a safe partner again, a WS has to really figure out all of their unhealthy, dysfunctional behaviors and stop engaging in them permanently. They have to change so much and work so hard to do that.

Your ex doesn’t seem to have gotten there. You had sex, so he felt entitled for you to be his again. Please let that sink in that he felt that sex entitled him to ownership. He accused you of basically giving that to him by sleeping with him. This is not a healthy attitude towards a relationship or towards sex. It is an entitled mindset. Remember that this is the person who felt entitled to stay married to you and sleep with someone else at the same time. He felt ownership of both of you, apparently.

He may have gotten better over the years, but he has not eradicated all of his wayward entitled thinking. When you didn’t immediately acquiesce to his desire to rekindle the relationship, his response was to pressure you and try to make you feel guilty and responsible for HIS feelings. That is also manipulative and wayward behavior. After all that he put you through, he still doesn’t listen to your feelings and respect them. He feels that he has a right to change your feelings instead of accepting what you want. What he wants is still the most important thing.

You don’t have to think he’s a horrible person and not your friend to recognize behaviors that are not respectful of you as a person. He is certainly not the only self-centered, entitled person on the planet. But you really need to think twice about whether or not you would be happy with someone who doesn’t respect your needs, and you should really do some exploring about why you so easily fell into second-guessing yourself and accepting responsibility for his feelings. You didn’t MAKE him feel entitled to having you back by sleeping with him. He DECIDED to feel that way because of his attitudes about what he is entitled to.

These are the types of things that should be explored with a really good therapist because they are the key to keeping yourself safe in your relationships, setting better boundaries about what behavior you want and don’t want in a partner, and becoming healthier and happier for yourself first instead of trying to do what will make someone else happy. We all have struggled with one or another of these issues.

Clearly, every BS on this site chose a partner that ultimately felt entitled to cheat on their spouse, lie to them, and deny them agency in their own decisions at some point. These are issues we all have to explore and address sooner or later in order to move forward to a better future.

I wish you peace and strength as you move forward, Laura. You have been through so much, and you deserve that peace—whatever form of it YOU want.