SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is what owning your affair looks and feels like. It is a hard place to get to and you will want to backslide into coasting because making sure you understand why you weren't happy and that it is inside of you is going to be tough.

Know your husband hasn't left yet and you have been married less than a year. So he must believe in you and your growth more than you know. Keep moving forward and when this gets tough, realize that you have someone next to you that is worth your love because he stayed in the bad times when leaving would have been easier.

Do you love him more than you love yourself?

I see a lot about what you want.

What does he want?

It sounds like he wants a divorce. If you love him more than yourself, sometimes the best option is to give him a peaceful divorce and let him go fix the broken parts so he can move on and find peace and joy in his life.

In your post:

I don’t know how to respond to posts but some things I’ve gathered.

Many people have said to focus on myself and I can see that it’s much easier to justify why you did something then to own up to why are are something you despise. I couldn’t see how selfish I am, maybe because he was always my support, more emotionally intelligent and self aware. I always thought of my self as loving and compassionate but it was easier to do that when I wasn’t the problem. I am I’m in shock of who I am. It’s like I put glasses on and can take a honest look at myself.

I have come completely clean. I understand he is still asking me the same questions but I can finally answer him the same now that the full truth has come out.

I am seeking my own therapists to help me get to the root cause. I have read the "things wayward spouses should know" and read it often. I’m reading the "how to heal your spouse from your affair". I am spending my free time trying to analyze myself. I want to not justify or diminish his hurt. I do love my husband, and truly believe I can be the person he deserves, although I know I am far from understanding and showing what it means to truly love someone. I do feel like I may have rushed into marriage, thinking I was mature and emotionally ready to give up my own wants for our life. I am investing most of my free time trying to dissect my intentions, expectations, and desires about marriage and trying to be honest if we can find happiness together. I am trying to show how I took his love for granted and show that I will not do it again. It is helpful to hear other perspectives, especially from BS, because sometimes you don’t want to accept the level of hurt you caused someone, but it’s important to face reality to make any real change.

What about your husband? I don't see much in the post about any empathy you are showing towards his trauma.

One good thing (from the male POV) is no physical relations - but you were "going there" - so think of what is going through his mind over and over.

I venture he is likely still mentally embroiled in emotional confusion: Someone you love and pledged trust and who reciprocated (Is that really true?) has stabbed him in his heart. Try "putting on his shoes" and take a walk.

You say he is more mature? Well, I would hazard he is biding his time - not making a life-path altering decision without taking as much time as he thinks he needs to make the choice on how he will live going forward. For now, you are still living together, yes? That part is a good - provided you change everything about your persona that could be taken as less than that which a faithful partner would show and do.

Read all you can in the healing library and read the JFO stories for the purposed of getting a feel for the emotional turmoil the betrayed are going through as they process the soul-shaking change foisted onto them by their cheater partner.

Don't give up - it will be very hard to continue trying to be what you should be - a safe partner.

You have a long road ahead - and, remember, this episode of your affair is now a forever part of his memory.

Not an impossible journey for you two - but a long and difficult one for sure. . .

Wish you Luck

Bigger,

"You could ask your husband for time. Ask for 3 months for you to change."

Except it will take her husband YEARS to work through this. He won't be anywhere near ready to make a decision to remain with her after just 3 months (if he doesn't just divorce her that is).

And she won't be able to come close to changing within only three months.

Not many way wards do this, but they should if they really want to remain with their partner. They should divorce and then keep working on themselves and dating their ex, if their ex will let them, and then try to start over anew.

She's nuked her marriage, it's dead and gone so if they are to remain a couple, a new relationship will need to spring up out of the ashes from her carpet bombing of the relationship they used to have.

There is no quick fix for this, none whatsoever.

She'll need to be able to handle his emotional roller coaster that she's put him on too and not all people have the makeup, the intestinal fortitude to do that. Many become defensive, say it was 6 months ago, it's time for you to get over it and move on.

I have no idea if OP has the intestinal fortitude to do this for years and years while her husband tries to move beyond this.

If the OP really wants to show him she's changed, she can based upon her actions over time.

She needs to take actions, get herself to counseling, read books, be completely 100% honest with him (so many can't, they are embarrassed, they want to save their partners from hurt yet they hurt them more by not fully disclosing etc.).

She needs to do and do and do some more.

She needs to write him a 100% complete timeline. She needs to be able to answer questions of his, even repeats over months and years without blowing up at him or becoming defensive.

If OP wants to work on this, she will, she doesn't need his permission as she's the one who needs to be doing and doing, not him.

If OP really wants to fix this, her focus CANNOT be on saving the marriage. Her focus needs to be solely on working on herself, on figuring out how and why she was capable of this. She needs to work on identifying, addressing and resolving the issues she has.

Many way wards don't do this, or they quit doing it once their partner divorces them. If they really cared, they keep working on themselves. Their partner, even if they become an ex, will see that.

I'm not going to admonish her, but she needs to really begin working on herself and doing and doing and doing some more.

It's actions, not words. It's learning what she did to him, what he's going through. She has no idea of the pain she's put him through. She can't, she's not been in this position, in his shoes so a good deal of the work she needs to do is to learn about those things too.

She can't even begin to make a dent inside of 3 months.