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Oh... I thought you sent her an email this week. Didn’t realize it was the one from feb.

You so deserve to have the error corrected by the court, and I’m really pulling for you.

That said, there was no risk in explaining the basis for my appeal to her. It's hardly something secret and I was hoping there was a chance that she could be convinced to settle. In the end, I wasted about 10 minutes of time

I get this. It was worth a shot.

I've responded to things in writing that I should have ignored. I've done this to have a written record of certain things, for court purposes (clarifying his lies at times). There is just so much "fluff and lies", it's impossible to keep track of it all, and remember the actual truth. So I address some things right away.

I thought you sent her an email this week. Didn’t realize it was the one from feb.

Yes. Correct. It's a little weird that people are telling me that I shouldn't have done this three months ago.

There are so many threads that it is difficult to keep up with the details.

Inappropriate Comment

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:06 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

Mod please?

This comment is completely inappropriate.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:07 PM, May 25th (Tuesday)]

Any updates, barcher144? (Yes, I'm a lurker vicariously living through what I genuinely hope will be an epic legal beat-down of your X!)

Ummm yeah I've been checking in this forum daily to see if there's an update lol. Thank you Trapped for asking lol

Ummm yeah I've been checking in this forum daily to see if there's an update

Never hesitate to ask, but I have not posted any updates because there have been no legal updates. The good news, if you love gossip, is that appellate mediation is next Thursday... so I should have a legal update soon.

Curiously enough, I logged on today to vent because she's been crazy again. Venting commencing in 3... 2... 1...

Incident#1: Baseball tickets.

DD15 is in marching band and she has an event at the local baseball stadium. DD15 asked if I wanted tickets to the game and I said yes, I'll take six (me, my other two kids, GF, and her two kids).

About a week ago, xWW said that I still needed to pay her for the tickets. I responded... sure, no problem. Send the tickets home with the kids and I'll send you a check.

She responds with "No, I don't trust you" and she requires that I give her money before I get the tickets. I tell her no. I don't provide any explanation. I tell her that I have the money and I would rather have the tickets but she must produce the tickets before I give her the money. I also informed her that I could simply purchase the tickets at the gate. She does not respond to this email message, which is typical of her (she stops communicating if conversation goes a direction she does not like).

Today, I received a message from the band group. They have 6 extra tickets, curiously enough. So, I asked to buy them.

Also, the band email says that tickets will be distributed at practice on Tuesday... meaning, xWW didn't have the tickets to give me, which is why she couldn't give them to me. She could have said that, which would have been honest (of course, I wouldn't have believed her anyway... so maybe that is a moot point).

And yes, I need to remember to not do anything (ANYTHING!) when xWW is involved. Yes, I made a mistake.

Anyway, I've heard from the band program. Apparently, I will be buying the tickets from xWW at band practice next week. That should be fun!

Incident#2: Med bills

DD14 (then DD13) got really stinking drunk at xWW's house on Thanksgiving. As in, call the ambulance drunk (BAC = 0.30). By the way, as you might guess, xWW literally told me that DD13 getting drunk at her house was caused by me, somehow (and I am not joking about that).

I knew that the bill would be expensive and so I had been asking xWW about it ever since (I'm tight on money, so a big medical bill requires planning by me).

About 6 weeks ago, I received a phone call from the ambulance company, threatening to send our bill to collections. Apparently, we hadn't paid the ambulance bill. It's a SNAFU of epic proportions because the responsible party is xWW, but somehow the ambulance company had only my phone number and my address but her name. I offered to pay the bill immediately, but once they figured out that I was not xWW and we were not married... they stopped talking to me.

Needless to say, I told xWW about this (and I think that they called her). I had two requests: (1) I wanted to pay my portion of the bill from my flexible spending account (FSA). This means that I wanted to pay the ambulance company directly, and (2) I believed that the insurance was handled incorrectly. So, I asked xWW not to pay the bill because I suspected the amount was wrong too.

I proceeded to ask her about the bill every week or two until last Friday. I received an email message from her saying that I owed her $800 for med bills with no explanation. After checking her math, I figured out that she was trying to charge me 70% of the bill (which is what I am required to pay AFTER the final divorce decision), rather than the 50% which is the amount that I had to pay prior to the divorce being final (February 2021).

I proceeded to ask her for documentation (which is required); she claimed to not have the documentation (she only had a "pay this amount or we're sending it to collections" statement). She also claimed to have paid the bill in full, which was something that I had asked her not to do. When I asked her why she had paid the bill in full, she told me that I was not being cooperative, that she needed her money IMMEDIATELY, and that I was being a jackass.

So, I informed her that I would not pay anything until I could confirm that with my insurance company that it was handled correctly and I received an itemized bill for my records. I specifically wanted to know that the patient was DD13 as well as the date of the service. These are critical pieces of information, especially given xWW's history of lying about everything. I can easily see her claiming, in court, that I did something wrong in all of this and I would have no defense unless I had an actual itemized bill with my daughter's name and the date when she was in the hospital.

Anyway, armed with only the knowledge of the precise amount of the bill, I was able to call my insurance company and get a quick review of the situation. About 2/3 of the bill was a mistake. Something was incorrectly charged as "out of network", resulting in a combined savings of $800.

Per her normal, I did not receive a response from her when I told her that she had incorrectly paid one of the bills and that she would need to call and get them to send her a refund check.

p.s. I called the ambulance company a second time. They again refused to send me an itemized bill, but they did say that xWW had called and requested an itemized bill... so there is at least some progress being made.

Incident#3: Soccer

(I might have complained about this one on here before).

She enrolled DS9 in a soccer league. Practices are on Mondays and games are on Wednesdays. Her parenting nights include all Mondays and Wednesdays. So, she decided that I didn't need to know about soccer because it was on her parenting night. My guess is that she didn't want to tell me because I would volunteer to coach his team (like I did with his flag football team).

When the other kids told me that DS9 was playing soccer, I asked for the game schedule so that I could attend. xWW refused. I responded with an excerpt from the parenting plan that clearly stated that she was responsible for informing me of events (and vice versa). She said that because it was on her parenting time, I could not stop her from signing him up for soccer. I agreed with that (we only need to ask each other for permission if it interferes with the other's parenting time), but she was still required to inform me of his game schedule so that I could attend.

About 4 hours later (my GF thinks that she asked her lawyer and received a response), she posted 34 new events on our co-parenting software.... including the times/dates/locations of his soccer games. Apparently, she was withhold numerous events from me (I knew about all of them already, except for the soccer).

[This message edited by barcher144 at 12:10 PM, June 17th (Thursday)]

Thank you for that update. Shes the crazy you are dealing with, i feel so badly. Why cant she just cooperate. I imagine this shit storm isn't easy on the kids.

And what the hell is a then 13 year old doing getting that drunk that she needs an ambulance??? Omg!

And what the hell is a then 13 year old doing getting that drunk that she needs an ambulance??? Omg!

This is terrifying, and amounts to neglect. Severe neglect. Is there anything you can do about this, barcher? I would be afraid to send my kids back there.

I know exactly the kind of crazy she is, and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

The last time I asked stbx for a receipt, he responded, "Your lawyer has the receipt." (Umm, what???) That's when I stopped exchanging money with him completely. I've kept all of my receipts and a list of what he owes me. We will deal with it in court.

Hang in there, and keep us updated reference the legal stuff. I'll be thinking of you next week.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:43 PM, June 17th (Thursday)]

And what the hell is a then 13 year old doing getting that drunk that she needs an ambulance??? Omg!

The best answer that I have been given is that she was playing drinking games with her friends on social media. And, she was drinking rum and she had no idea how potent rum can be.

Beyond that, I don't know.

This is terrifying, and amounts to neglect. Severe neglect. Is there anything you can do about this, barcher?

My attorney says no, or at least not yet. My attorney is someone who views her role as "helping families heal when marriages end" very seriously. I think it took her a long time to figure out that my crazy stories are literally true and I am not the whack-nut in this divorce.

I would be afraid to send my kids back there.

I am too but I have no choice. My hands are tied, legally speaking, according to my lawyer until she starts doing things that endanger the children.

One other thing to remember is that my judge is very very much pro-mom and anti-dad. His ruling was almost an apology to xWW... my lawyer did such a good job of explaining the law that he had little choice but to award me pretty much everything that I requested. I lost on two issues... one was alimony (which we are appealing) and the other is the fact that I kept all of the stimulus check that we received. I am going to talk to my attorney about the stimulus check deal; he said that I had to give her the stimulus check but he did not comment (at all) about why I refused to give her half of the stimulus check (i.e., she owed me more than $1000). I am hoping that I could still take her to small claims court.

I know exactly the kind of crazy she is, and I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

I'm sorry that you know exactly the kind of crazy that she is. Actually, I am sure that your situation is worse than mine.

I am so sorry barcher. So scary that the incident happened and its not a strike against her for neglect.

As for the judge....wth. they are to follow the law. Not be swayed either way by personal opinion. Praying you win your appeal.

my lawyer did such a good job of explaining the law that he had little choice but to award me pretty much everything that I requested.

This is great, barcher. I'm so glad this part went your way. (This is exactly what I'm hoping for in my own case.)

I have a similar situation going on with the stimulus checks. And I did the same thing you did. I'm nowhere near caught up with what stbx owes me, but it has helped me pay the bills the past few months. Funny how suddenly obsessed he is with 50/50. As is your ex, apparently.

Hi Barcher,

I'm new here and I've read your story from your profile although it's been cut off. I think it's only up until your 2nd lawyer. Would you mind pointing me to the rest of your story please?

Your ex-wife is something else. No empathy, sympathy and selfish. She had an affair going for 8.5 years and no signs of stopping even after you found out. Good thing you got rid of her although I think it was a bit too late. You've given her lots of chances but still you can't repair something that's already broken.

Is her current bf her AP?
What happened to AP's wife, did you tell her about the affair? She has the right to know. She's been living with a man who doesn't care at all. She should also get out from him.
Did you report about your daughter who got drunk from her mother's house? It should have been reported to CPS, correct? Why would a minor be allowed to drink. Since your ex was the guardian at that moment, she should be held liable.
Have you sat down with your kids about their mother's constant gaslighting about you? You should tell them the truth about why you're behaviour has been affected by her long term affair. How you gave all the chances in the world. How you couldn't correct her.

All the best! Hopefully you get what's rightful this time.

I'm new here and I've read your story from your profile although it's been cut off. I think it's only up until your 2nd lawyer. Would you mind pointing me to the rest of your story please?

More correctly, I got exhausted by all of this crap and I stopped writing. You're correct; I should go back and continue the story. It only gets worse, I promise.

Your ex-wife is something else.

We have an award-winning understatement right here!!

She had an affair going for 8.5 years and no signs of stopping even after you found out.

I don't know what is in my story... I haven't looked at it in awhile.

It's possible that new information has come out since my last writing session... but her affair with AP stopped on D-day because I confronted him (via text message). I also told his wife. That ended THAT affair...

But, I now know that she started a new affair a few months before we decided to go for divorce. I figured this out while reviewing all sorts of records while I was preparing for the custody evaluation.

Is her current bf her AP?

Nope, he is a new guy.

My guess is that they met via on-line dating a few weeks after we decided to get divorced.

She's cheated on him too, I'm certain. I know from text records (i.e., she was on my phone plan for 9 months after we decided to D) that she was texting a lot (like 5000 messages per person per month) three guys simultaneously. One of these guys was her friend's then-husband, now ex-husband. When I told her about it, she had already left her husband (he was cheating on her a lot); apparently, she had had a 'gut feeling' about xWW and she had already told her to stay away from her husband.

What happened to AP's wife, did you tell her about the affair? She has the right to know. She's been living with a man who doesn't care at all. She should also get out from him.

I told her. I think that they are still together based on some Facebook stalking of mine (not recent).

AP initially told OBS some BS lie about xWW seducing him while he was drunk. The reality is that they were in regular contact for years that preceded the physical affair. xWW is confess to physical sex in 2008 and in 2016. I also suspect a sexual escapade in 2005 too.

I haven't heard from OBS since October 2016. At some point, I had some questions from her but she ignored my email messages.

Did you report about your daughter who got drunk from her mother's house? It should have been reported to CPS, correct? Why would a minor be allowed to drink. Since your ex was the guardian at that moment, she should be held liable

.

There is a fine line between "bad parenting" and "a stupid child being a stupid child." Yes, CPS got involved... or that was what I was told was going to happen while I was at the hospital. CPS never contacted me.

My guess is that xWW was very persuasive when she spoke to them. She is VERY good in person. You would never guess that she is evil incarnate when you speak to her in person.

Hell, she probably even blamed me for the incident. In fact, that morning she did blame me. She said that DD13 vomited with me a few days prior, which is proof that she learned to drink like that from me (for the record, I don't drink much -- I have not been inebriated on alcohol in 20+ years?).

The actual truth is that DD13 vomited while under my care because she had COVID at that time; she tested positive while she was at the hospital and the severe headache/vomiting fits the known profile of COVID symptoms. Given that she vomited in front of me, I am 100% certain that she was sober when she vomited (i.e., drunk puke smells like alcohol).

Have you sat down with your kids about their mother's constant gaslighting about you? You should tell them the truth about why you're behaviour has been affected by her long term affair. How you gave all the chances in the world. How you couldn't correct her.

I disagree (but politely) with you strongly about this

I am basically trying to allow my kids to live as normal as possible. I never say anything negative about their mother in front of them. I try to make them feel as comfortable as possible. I tell them that their mother is violating the parenting agreement if she ever says anything negative about me. When they ask specific questions, I tell them that I am not allowed to answer those questions.

I am keeping them out of the divorce as much as possible. So, when they come to me with accusations of "Mom said XXXX about you", I reply with "Your mother should not be telling you this information. I disagree with her accusation but I am not going to defend myself because you do not need to be involved in our disagreements." I then send xWW a message, recording the incident and letting her know that she was violating the parenting agreement.

This approach was painful at first, but it seems to be paying long-term dividends.

xWW is VERY angry at me right now, but it doesn't seem to be trickling down to the kids. It helps that most of her accusations are ridiculous, especially since she hasn't lived with me for almost 2 years (not counting the 10-months of in-house separation). Meaning, there is a big and obvious disconnect between her accusations about me (again, without having been in my presence) and what the kids actually experience.

My goal, all along, has been to have my kids love me when they are 22 years old, not when they are 10 years old.

Also, my kids are smart... and they have figured out how to play the game (and it's sad that they have to have two personalities, one for mom and one for dad). For example, DS9 had a soccer game on Wednesday. His mother is his team's soccer coach. He intelligently refused to even look at me during the game. Last night (my parenting time), he told me that he wanted to me give me a hug after the game but he was busy doing something with his mom. This is a little white lie that he was telling.... she doesn't allow me anywhere near my kids during her parenting time.

Simply put, this divorce was brutally bad for me and probably worse on my kids. xWW has used my kids as hostages throughout and I have done everything that I could possibly do to keep them from experiencing collateral damage. Parental alienation is awful... and dealing with it is not easy.

Thanks for the reply, Barcher.
I can see that you're a much reasonable guy than your XWW. Hopefully you won't have to meet another one like her again. I hope your current GF has the qualities you needed in a girl.
I agree that there are people out there who doesn't show their real persona in front of other people. I know a lot of people like that. They tend to show their 'good side' and when you're not looking they show their 'real side'.
You are correct that she's an evil incarnate. An evil spawn as I may say. Hopefully your kids won't pattern their behavior from her. It would be better if they pattern their behavior from you instead since you're a more reasonable person.
I agree with your approach on my last point. I call that approach as my 'Butt' approach... pardon the word I just added the extra T.
All the best to you and your family.

I can see that you're a much reasonable guy than your XWW.

I am a much more reasonable person when my mental health is good.

The problem is that her affair sent me down an awful spiral into depression (and eventually some anxiety caused by an bad-for-me medication). I certainly wasn't too reasonable when I was suffering from depression.

Similarly, I've started to realize the trauma caused by this divorce. I used to think "it's affecting my kids more than me." Well, it's not a competition and it's affected me more than I wanted to admit. I'm sorting through some of that crap now.

But, when I am of sound mind, I am very reasonable. That's the person that I want to be, at least.

Good!
Focus on your personal well-being now. Everything will get better. Your ex is somebody else's problem now. She won't bother you anymore, unless it's about the kids.
All the best!

So... a genuine update!!

We had appellate mediation this morning. My attorney seemed optimistic that mediation would be helpful because appellate mediations have more power than regular mediators. I have no understanding of that and, in hindsight, I did not notice a difference.

The final outcome is that we did not reach a settlement. The reality is that we did not even come close.

The total amount of alimony that xWW is owed over the next 7 years is something like $35,000. We initially offered to settle for $5,000; our second offer was for $10,000, payable immediately. They offered to settle for $35,000; their second offer was for $20,000, payable from my retirement account rather than post-tax dollars. All offers included an agreement that neither of us could go back to court and ask that alimony be re-adjusted after the agreement had been reached.

They claimed that my salary, as determined at trial, was artificially low because I had had a COVID-related salary reduction imposed on me. Ergo, my salary was likely to increase and thus I had potential exposure due to that. When I looked at the math, my exposure to this issue is minimal or even negative. The judge claimed his ruling that he did an average computation of my salary over the past 4 years... but when you look at my W2's, the judge overestimate my salary by about $4000 per year. Meaning, if the judge were to average my salary for 2018-2021 (with a supposedly higher salary in 2021 than 2020) instead of 2017-2020, my salary would actually DECREASE.

All of this, of course, is a smokescreen. The merit of our case is that her income exceeds her budget and thus she doesn't qualify for alimony. Her case gets even worse because she has, since the divorce ruling, reduced her expenses further by paying off her car and by buying a house and co-habitating with her boyfriend.

Interestingly enough, she lied to the mediator and said that she bought the house on her own. I have been watching the publicly-available tax records for her new address (they list the current owners of every house). Although she bought the house in late March, the county had not yet updated their website to list the new owners... until today. Meaning, after the mediation session was over, I was able to prove that she bought the house with her boyfriend. (I send this link to my attorney afterwards.. the fact that she was openly lying during mediation is irrelevant to how mediation turned out)

So, it looks like we will be doing a full-on appeal. The good news that I learned is that if I win... xWW will be required to pay me back for the alimony that I have already paid her. Of course, my attorney pointed out that collecting that money might be difficult...

What a total shitshow. I really hope your appeal goes your way and she has to pay YOU!