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My husband of 10 years cheated on me emotionally many times over the years (and possibly even physically), but I was in the throes of being a new Mom and raising two young children entirely alone, so I was always quick to forgive. Big mistake, because he ended up cheating on me again last year. Not only did he meet up with a woman from Tinder, but he also spent the entire year on Tik Tok Live, blowing through 10K on gifts to women.

I have told him that I wanted to divorce/separate, but he is in denial. He keeps promising to change, but then I keep finding him talking to women in secret. Even last week I found messages - and he justified his actions, saying that he wrote her so that he could understand me better.

He FINALLY agreed to couples therapy (after his friend convinced him - go figure), but he keeps talking about how we both should go because we are both at fault for his constant infidelity. Oh, and the best part is, he revealed to me that he was sexually abused when he was younger. While I empathize with him, I cannot help but question why he never brought it up to me.

When I started to talk with him about divorce/separation, he blew up. He grabbed his suitcases and told our girls that he was going back to his country. He was happy to leave me with the kids and bills - and I am a SAHM. He claimed that it is better for them to have no dad, rather than a dad that is there 50% of the time. He stormed out of the house (sans suitcases) and didn't come back until the next day - after which everything was hunky dory again.

Although I still love this man dearly, I just feel like I cannot trust him in any capacity. And, so, as hard as it is, I think that it is probably best to separate at this point. But I am so scared and overwhelmed. My husband is such a wild card, and he has threatened suicide before. So I am trying to proceed very cautiously.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you handle toxic "ex" in-laws? And most importantly, how do you protect your children from the aftereffects of divorce?

Snow, I'm sorry you have found yourself here, but SI is a wonderful community. There are many, many people on this site who at one point were sitting where you are now, feeling scared and overwhelmed, and they have built peaceful and healthy lives on the other side of infidelity, separation, and divorce.

On the in-laws:
Assuming you separate, you mention your husband said he'd go back to his country. Are your in-laws in another country as well? Or living down the street? And your kids are at least 8 or 10 years old (if they were young children when you H started cheating on you several years ago)? If you're not relying on your in-laws for childcare, then the answer is straightforward: you separate from them, too. If you want them to have a relationship with your kids, then you support that within reason while minimizing your own contact with them. Support your kids, don't bad-mouth their grandparents, but your interaction with the in-laws to the transactional details of arranging visits. If the kids are old enough to decide what kind of relationship they want to have with their grandparents, then you can factor that in. If the in-laws are much more involved in the kids lives, that's a little trickier. In that case you'd want to think about what reasonable boundaries are for their interactions with you and your kids - then set those boundaries and stick to them.

On protecting the kids:
Your instinct is natural. Two thoughts to offer here. One is to figure out what you want to protect them from and focus on that. If you think your H is going to be angry, toxic, and harmful, then it's about finding a way to co-parent that manages this dynamic (and if he has serious issues, that would likely come up in custody and visitation negotiations anyway). If you're trying to protect them from a toxic relationship between their parents, the good news is that you have a lot of ability to control that. No matter how he acts, if you're clear, reasonable, firm, and calm, the kids will see that. If you don't speak badly about your husband in front of the kids (save it for your therapist or best friend!), that matters. What you can create for your kids after D may be far better and healthier for them than what they're seeing of your H's behavior during marriage.

The other thought is that while having two supportive, loving parents who can model ideal behaviors is what we all wish for, there are plenty of kids who have healthy and terrific lives even if they had only one parent showing those behaviors. You have been and will continue to be a huge positive influence in their lives, so don't think that D automatically means your kids' futures or ability to have healthy relationships of their own is doomed.

You'll get great advice here from people who have been through it. Hang in there!

There's some standard advice for proceeding in situations like yours. Step one, do a few free consultations with local attorneys and then hire one. Step two, document every incident (consider installing security cameras if it's legal in your area in case he gets violent). Step three, stand firm in the face of his manipulation tactics to get you to change your mind.

If he threatens to kill himself, call an emergency hotline and have him hauled to a hospital. Do not make his mental health your responsibility. You are only responsible for your children. If he tries to guilt trip you, remember that his cheating is what led to all of this.

You can't protect your children from the effects of divorce, but you can be patient with them, you can do family therapy, and you can show them that you love and support them. You *can* protect them from their father's temper tantrums by asking for full custody. The documentation (and video proof) can help with this.

As for toxic in-laws, I'm not sure what you're dealing with. Just remember that once the divorce is done, you don't have to ever talk to them unless you want to.

If you're taking the steps to divorce, you can use couples counseling to break the news to your husband, or you can just quit going. There's not much need for CC once you're splitting up.

You should also take your children’s passports and put them somewhere safe. He seems volatile and while today he’s threatening to leave, tomorrow he might be threatening to take them.