Back in October, I was at the point where I quite literally despised my husband. I hated him. The affair (now about 2.5 years ago) was on my mind every moment of every day, we were having the most vicious arguments and our household had become toxic. I was drinking far too much, just to block out the pain. Our children were being affected and I had spent the last two and a half years, wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning.
I'm not sure how, or why, or what the hell happened, but something clicked. I came to the resolution that I was going to give this man 12 months - 12 months to make me want to continue being married to him. I think I realised that although we were still married, I was just taking chunks out of him, and not really offering any sort of opportunity to really show me what kind of husband he could be.
He trickle truthed me to death on the affair details, and that really is what kept us stuck. But in my heart of hearts - I believe I would have done the same if I were in his position. I still believe there are most likely details that aren't quite accurate. And I'm now at the point where I don't need to know any more.
Now that I have managed to take the focus off the affair, I'm getting to experience what a decent husband he can offer. He makes me feel loved and safe - because I'm letting him. I used to think he was a great husband prior to the affair, but in reality I felt so lonely in the marriage. He was selfish and I let him be.
We are going through a tough time with our eldest daughter at the moment. We believe she is autistic and she is struggling with significant anxiety surrounding school. He has been solid as a rock and we're making a great team in supporting her. He is completely open and transparent, and communicates openly with his feelings. He continues to demonstrate remorse through his words and actions and expresses his gratitude every day.
I don't believe I will ever fully trust him again, he's shown me what he's capable of - but I believe what I'm seeing in him at the moment.
The difference in how I feel, by changing my mindset into letting him show me what our marriage could be like moving forward, is remarkable. The affair isn't as centre stage as it once was, and it feels really really good. It still pops into my head frequently but I don't feed the thoughts in the way I did before, I'm forcing my brain to distract itself and it's actually working!
Just wanted to share a bit of positivity 😊
