SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wanted to vent really.
Currently locked myself in a music venue toilet cubicle fighting off tears and trying to breathe.

Things were good. He hasn’t done anything ‘bad’ but I’ve had a rough few days. Agreed to come to this gig hoping I’d be fine and we’d have a good night. I feel so out of place. First off had a meltdown about what to wear - couldn’t stop thinking about affair partner who is 22 and looks great in skimpy clothing, felt frumpy and ridiculous in everything.

Then we get here and everyone’s asking about his band that he’s leaving. Fear of bumping into an old band mate of his who he had an inappropriate friendship with a few years ago - no physical cheating, just a bit too close.
Now we’ve come to this venue and he’s mentioned his friend used to work here and I’ve realised it’s where he took his tinder date three years ago while we were technically on a break but not really and still sleeping together.

I just want to go home. Feels like there’s never any escaping it. Always a bit of progress and then right back to the shit again.

Oh. User I’m sorry. This shit hits hard and keeps punching.
Please I know it is hard but stop comparing yourself to the trash he picked up, there is no comparison , you are loyal, beautiful, and your body has given life to the best things in your life.

It could just be that it’s too early for you to be there, I couldn’t imagine going to one of my H shows if he was still in his band , I would also be locked in a bathroom stall crying. Give it time, I know you had great expectations but I don’t think any of us can have them this early. I learned to stop expecting things to go great even when we go do fun things. Trauma takes a long time to heal and we have to work hard it at.

I now tell my H to expect the worst but pray for the best when we go do things. I am still so easily reminded of the A it’s insane. It is almost like you’re in the lions den right now, you’re so close to where the trauma originated. Some of the people here face things head on and go right at triggers but I know myself and I know that I can’t do that. I have with some minor ones but I still avoid a lot of things. I can’t watch certain movies (silver bullet one of my fav movies) was playing when I found his AP text to him. He brought that movie up bc he forgot it was playing and it turned into a bad night. Sorry for the rant but my point is you need to do what is right for you right now and don’t have high expectations from yourself just yet…. Even though he didn’t do anything further you’re still healing from what he DID DO.

My only advice that I wish I took all the time is:

Take it easy, do what is right for YOU, let your expectations down a bit, and just don’t rush anything

This reminds me of one time going on business travel last year. I walked into my hotel room and was immediately massively triggered with thoughts of my wife entering a room with him waiting in it. I just broke down and typed out a cry for help here, not even sure how I typed it out. You are heard. Learn from this, don’t push yourself beyond what you are ready for. You are going to be ok.

Whew. Trigger central, eh? Can you grab yourself an Uber and get out of there?

Please know that this is so, so normal.

Thanks so much for your replies. It helped to be heard by someone in the moment, rather than starting something with my partner while we were out with other people.

I pulled myself together and we ended up leaving the venue to go to a different one (there were different gigs in different venues on one street), and I managed to forget about it a little and have a decent time. People stopped asking about his band after a bit and there was no sign of the previous band mate I was worried about.

I think you’re right Groot and it was too soon.
I think I’ll talk to him tomorrow and say that while I appreciate the invite and him buying the ticket, I’d rather not go to gigs for a while. I don’t think he even remembers that he took the tinder date to that venue, it was literally a couple of days before his hospitalisation. He was all over the place. I’ll tell him that venue in particular is off limits.

I think because things have been going well I’ve started keeping these little trigger moments to myself but we need to keep having those conversations I guess. I think I hate them more than he does, I find them exhausting and repetitive almost 8 months in.

I think I tried to be too okay too quickly - another day, another lesson learnt!

I’m glad you were able to get to a place that felt better, user. As others have said, your feelings are completely normal.

I don’t know if you saw Groot’s post the other day about how her gut changed the way she felt about music completely because she knew that her WH’s relationship with it and prioritizing it over her and the kids was unhealthy. As has been noted, it was probably way too early for you to enter that environment that is associated with so much pain and trauma for you. You may never want to be involved in it again. Your gut has told you from the beginning to demand that he get out of his band. Be gentle with yourself.

Why do you think you decided to go to this event? You were nervous and apprehensive about going all week, so why do you think that you decided to? I only ask because sometimes we try to rush back into normal patterns, and yours (ours) included stuffing your own feelings to be supportive of him. Do you think that it might have been to show support of him because he seems to be trying harder? Whatever the reason, it’s really important for your recovery to consider why you stuffed your feelings to go. Did it seem really important to him? Or was it important to you to prove something to yourself? Or to him? I’m not making any assumptions or asking for answers. I just think it’s important for you to consider.

Given all that you’ve expressed to him about how traumatic his involvement in the band and that environment has been, it troubles me a little that he wasn’t hyper-sensitive to asking you to go into that environment. Gently, one thing that a remorseful wayward should definitely be is aware of the biggest area of his behavior that you’ve expressed clear trauma about. Was he super solicitous and concerned to make things okay for you? Did he suggest that you leave? Or were you working your hardest to hide your own needs?

I think I’ll talk to him tomorrow and say that while I appreciate the invite and him buying the ticket, I’d rather not go to gigs for a while. I don’t think he even remembers that he took the tinder date to that venue, it was literally a couple of days before his hospitalisation. He was all over the place. I’ll tell him that venue in particular is off limits.

I think because things have been going well I’ve started keeping these little trigger moments to myself but we need to keep having those conversations I guess. I think I hate them more than he does, I find them exhausting and repetitive almost 8 months in.

This is right on. If you want to even try to build a new relationship after his betrayal, as everyone here will tell you, our behavior as BSs has to change too. It does get exhausting to have those conversations, but it may be especially exhausting to those of us who don’t like talking about our own feelings and are prone to prioritizing our partners needs and feelings. It feels, well, weird and tiring to put ourselves out there. But it is really essential to our recovery.

It’s also really essential that he know and respond to your needs and feelings, especially those that arise from being triggered because of the trauma that he caused. He has to develop empathy and care for you. For many waywards, empathy is something they just have very little experience and understanding of. So yes, he needs to hear what his selfishness and disregard cost you on a daily, minute-by-minute basis. Most waywards really struggle with coming close to understanding the huge reach of their actions in your life.

It’s important for you to receive at least an attempt at support from him for the pain he’s caused if he’s able to give it. It’s also really important for you to know if ultimately, he just isn’t going to be capable of it.

Wishing a better day for you tomorrow and hoping that he is open to hearing your feelings without defensiveness or needing to turn the focus to himself. This shit is so hard. Sending you hugs of support and peace.

I don’t think I was going in support of him as such, it was nothing to do with any of his music, it’s just something he goes to with his friends and every year and he invited me. I think I said yes because he doesn’t usually invite me and I saw that as him making an effort to show that he wants to spend time with me, and also because I hadn’t met a couple of his friends yet that he wanted me to meet.

I kept it together and didn’t say anything while we were there because we were there with a group of people and it was old friends that he doesn’t get to see often. I was actually okay later on when we left that venue. I don’t think he sees regular gigs that don’t involve him as any kind of trigger for me at all, he knows I won’t go to any of his.

The lack of empathy or understanding is sometimes frustrating, especially in regards to the previous band mate I mentioned and the tinder date. I think because those things happened during his mental breakdown, he sees that as not him doing that because he wasn’t in the right frame of mind and couldn’t think clearly (wont go into details about what he was experiencing but it was pretty bad), so I have to remind him sometimes that while I understand how he feels about it all, those things did still happen and I did experience them and they obviously had a lasting effect on me.

I have tried to keep any conversations regarding triggers calm and polite, mainly for myself. We had one the day before yesterday about something else.
I was like just so you know when you do this, it reminds me of this, he said he didn’t realise and apologised, said he wouldn’t do the thing anymore. Asked if there was anything else bothering me or if I wanted to talk about it some more and I said no I’m good. So while the conversations around it are getting somewhat easier, I still hate them and wish we didn’t have to have them.

I have tried to keep any conversations regarding triggers calm and polite, mainly for myself. We had one the day before yesterday about something else.

This is a huge step as long as like you said you are doing it for yourself.
When I have experienced triggers lately I am also much more calm but it does usually end up ruining things for a good few hours because of the adrenaline pumping through me and the mind movies. I used to just freak out and scream but now I am more reserved, more sad, and just blah at the end of one. Some can't be avoided, others, like your husband he didn't realize were triggers.

As for your trigger, I made a post a long time ago called "location triggers" they to me are by far the hardest trigger I have had to overcome and I have made sure to start to reclaim a few (Driving by the area) God knows i can't go in the places yet. Driving by is my first step and I have been able to do that by making new memories with our oldest daughter, she gives me a strength when I am with her and she helps take my mind off the shitty parts.
Location triggers are so hard, I put in that post it is like the act is taking place right beside me even though i know it isn't that is how real it is to me. I know as time goes on and the more healing I do I will get better but I am not ready. The venue she came to his show at is off limits, the restaurant chain in general he ate with her at all the time, off limits, the city she lives in, off limits. Reclaiming will happen but I know probably not until late next year, I am in no rush for that.

I am so glad you got out of there and you expressed to your H your feelings, that is so important, that allows him to be there for you.
I remember getting a tattoo with one of my friends shortly after dday and she didn't tell me the tattoo place was in the city my H and his AP had their A, I had no idea what part of the city at that time. I remember going down a one way the wrong way, showing up in complete and utter shock, and just crying, I called my H screaming at him and he begged me to just leave and come home because he said I wasn't in the right state of mind. I went anyway. She didn't see the big deal when I told her and she went on and on to the tattoo artist but I couldn't hear anything , I was so traumatized that when she talked to me all I could do was nod. A few days later she told me she felt like I wasn't listening to her and i brought up ONCE again I was so upset and reliving what he did to me bc we were so close to the A, she didn't seem to understand the big deal but said she was "triggered" because she felt like she was talking too much and was annoying me, which wasn't the case... No one but my H and others that have experienced traumatic things understand what triggers do to you.. I never talked about them with her again because I felt lack of support.

We have a very good support group now of very few people that understand and I don't have to explain why certain things are off limits, they already know and when we plan double dates out , or trips out they know where I am not comfortable going and they also don't invite my H to certain places that both make us feel uncomfortable. My H also avoids that city like the plague as well as a few other places that make him upset. I know we can't avoid them forever and I don't want to and I know you don't want to.

Give it time and follow your intuition and know your limits. I didn't mean to T/J if you wanna call it that, I am just trying to say I relate to you, I know how you feel, it is very very common , especially this early out. Keep healing, keep sharing with your H, and build a good support group.

I love following your journey user.

Groot - I can’t even imagine living close to the area where the affair all happened. It must be awful for you to have so many location triggers, it was a real gut punch last night when I realised where we were.

To be honest, I hadn’t thought about the other stuff from before for quite a while. He hasn’t been in contact with the previous band mate for a good while. I think I got over all of that a little quicker because like I said, he wasn’t himself. There’s nowhere near as many bad feelings about it all as when he cheated, but it pops up more often now after his ONS for some reason, I’m not sure why.

I wonder sometimes if I buried my hurt feelings a little at the time because he was so unwell and the main concern of everyone around us was making sure he was okay and got better, and now that this worse thing has happened, it’s brought it all back up again. I don’t know.

His ONS happened in a different country that I had never planned on going to anyway, but it’s a country that people talk about often and whenever I hear the name of it my stomach does a little jump. I suppose other people might find that silly, it’s a whole country and I can’t hear the name of it.

Looking back at it today, I actually think it wasn’t so much the gig that made me upset, I ended up enjoying myself a little after realising the previous bandmate wasn’t there, and I knew we weren’t going back to that venue. It was literally just the fear of how I would feel if I saw her, and the initial reaction to realising that venue was where he’d gone on his date. When I pulled myself together, the rest of the night wasn’t so bad, which is nice in a way that it hasn’t ruined that side of things for me completely. I think I can go to gigs (avoiding certain locations and people) but just not his gigs for a while.