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I took my rings off a while back and haven’t put them back on. I currently don’t see the point of putting my wedding ring back on.

Husband no longer asks me about the ring. He was very upset when I removed it and mentioned it many times to me and apparently to his therapist. He says the ring meant a lot to him and he is really upset I won’t wear it. That seems bizarre to me, it really upset him.

I said it meant little to you as you cheated while wearing it.

Can anyone give me thoughts, ideas, discussions points about wedding rings please? I previously loved my ring. I don’t want a new one or him to get a new one and I don’t believe in renewing vows - I really cringe at the idea. I assume everyone renewing vows has experienced infidelity as it transpires most the people I know had. I’d actually prefer to divorce and just live together rather than renew vows. I feel that strongly.

We have been married going on 40 years. I haven't worn my ring in decades. She rarely wears her rings because of her job. She always wear them if going to some event though. It doesn't bother me if she doesn't wear them.

I traded mine in and spent an insane amount of money on a ring of my liking to wear. It gave me a feeling of strength while also hiding the issue and marital troubles from anyone I didn’t feel like speaking to about it. I love jewelry anyways. He did eventually buy me another ring which I wear on my right hand. It’s funny sometimes when people comment about the ring on my left hang and how wonderful he was for splurging on it. 😂🤷‍♀️ if only they knew.

Thank you for your thoughts.

I am not into jewellery really. The rings I had were very special to me. I was very proud to wear them and never took them off. I now only wear a very simple necklace that was gifted to me by a relative, I wear it most days. It wasn’t expensive.

Also any ideas why he is so bothered by the fact I have put the rings in a box in the attic? It’s made him cry a few times.

It took me a long time to stop wearing my ring (she actually stopped first), and she really broke down when it happened. But you know, she slipped that ring on and off like it was nothing while she was sleeping with him. You have every right to do what feels right to you, and his bruised feelings about it don’t mean jack.
She asked me to wear a rubber ring, probably to somewhat mask our problems to the wider world, and also probably so I’m not sending off "on the market" signals. I did that for a while. When things felt a little more stable I bought some inexpensive metal rings for both of us (my rubber ring was cracked and about to break, seems poetic now).
In summary, those rings had significance to you. You decide how you want to proceed. Wear them, don’t, sell them, keep them, melt them into new ones, whatever. Just do what works for you.

I took my ring off soon after DDay. Its weird that my FWS was so emotional about keeping her ring. I mean, why wear it when you arent representing what they mean. To me its just jewelry. I can say that in the entire time we were married I probably only had it off for a total a week combined and that was only due to surgeries or cleaning purposes. My ring is in a safe right now as I dont want to get rid of it in case my kids may want it later.
When my FWS and i decided to try to try again she asked if she could wear her ring again. I told her that I didnt care and its just jewelry again. She cried. I think you would be justified either way. Wear them or not. It took some getting used to but I wont wear one again.
I hear it is getting more popular to divorce and nest in the same house. I cant imagine how it would feel to date someone living with their ex spouse.

I said it meant little to you as you cheated while wearing it.

Can anyone give me thoughts, ideas, discussions points about wedding rings please? I previously loved my ring. I don’t want a new one or him to get a new one and I don’t believe in renewing vows - I really cringe at the idea. I assume everyone renewing vows has experienced infidelity as it transpires most the people I know had. I’d actually prefer to divorce and just live together rather than renew vows. I feel that strongly.

You’ve summed up quite nicely how I feel about the rings and "renewing the vows".

I continued to wear my ring after D-Day 1. Between D-Day 1 and D-Day 2 (while still actively lying and withholding additional APs), my wife asked if I wanted to "renew our vows". I laughed at her and said "why? They didn’t work the first time. What is there to renew?" IMO, there is no point in getting a person who is incapable of keeping a sacred promise to swear to another one after 20 years of cheating and 38 years of lying….

I took my ring off on D-Day 2 and never put it on again. I considered myself "not married". The other party had broken the contract so I was no longer bound by it or required to wear jewelry proclaiming it. After a few weeks, I relented and bought myself a new band made of tungsten and rose gold. It was gold on the outer edges and had a thick black portion in the middle. I told my wife this was a symbol of hope for me. The gold on either end to represent the "good times" in our relationship before she started to cheat, and my hope that we can reconcile and have a few good years on the back end. The thick black portion was the "lying/cheating years" in between.

Much more lying, trickle truth and "not doing the work" led me to swap it out with the cheap rubber band that came with the new band to wear when doing things you didn’t want to damage the new band doing. This one was too tight and I bought another rubber one off Amazon for $7.

My wife asked me why I swapped out bands. I said the new one was a symbol of hope I no longer have. Like IH said, I felt I needed to wear "something" to show I was married and avoid questions. I responded to my wife "a black $7 piece of rubber is about what I feel our marriage is worth right now". Afterward she took off, her rings (including a 10 year anniversary band I gave her while actively cheating) and started wearing her mother’s wedding set (from HER marriage that ended due to infidelity).

I will NEVER wear the original. If MAY go back to the tungsten and gold one if hope returns. Or we may divorce and make the whole question moot.

I needed to wear "something" to show I was married

Same here. I tried a few, including my grandmothers, before I found one that expressed what I needed it to say, and didn't make me wince to look at it and think of what it meant to me, but not to him. I bought a new one myself online, and I got two because I didn't know which style was the right one. The prices were very reasonable, under $100 for both.

I looked at open bands which speak the most truth with the broken vows, but I figured I'd snag it on something daily. I settled on a delicate 1 mm twisted rope band and a plain 1mm band. I explained to him that I bought both but chose the twisted one for now, because it symbolizes that I am choosing to be married every single day, but acknowledges that our marriage has followed a twisted path, and I have been twisted and conflicted in trying to stay and feel safe with him. The rope ring is slightly uncomfortable compared to a smooth band and that is how my marriage feels to me now, so it fits in many ways. I told him I hoped someday to be comfortable enough to wear the traditional band, but not yet. I want him to be mindful of how fragile our marriage feels to me now, no matter how solid he may feel. I hope we can stick it out long enough to build something worth wearing these rings for again, for both of us.

He listened, said he hoped I liked them and said it bothered him I was not wearing a ring, as he does all the time now. I asked why it took this conversation for him to even mention that he cared. I assumed he did not. I've told him before how conflicted I am about the symbols. My rings were his promise to me, and those rings are tainted and I can't wear them. I could write a whole page about the ways those rings tried several times to tell me something was wrong. The ring I gave him, I held those vows and promises, but I don't care if he wears it or not anymore. One of the hardest parts of all this R business has been trying to figure out what we are to each other in the first place, let alone where we are going next. I feel like the jewelry is the least of our worries now.

After my humiliating ring resizing and recommitting fiasco in 2018, when the A had been six months underground at the time and continued on for months more before I knew, neither his ring or mine symbolize much beyond hopium, trying to R too soon and more broken promises. On rare occasions I will pull out my anniversary band, bought on our 10th, a decade before he decided to betray me for another decade. Maybe four years from now, a decade into his regained fidelity I'll ask him to get me another 10 year anniversary band to pair it with. I do think it is good to honor our years together, the life and family we have built together. And it is good to hope. Just not too much. That twisted band is a good reminder for me.

I took my rings off for a long time after d-day, close to a year. Same as Abcd, my husband was very upset. I think it was because he didn't want men to think I was single- in the dark, ugly early days I threatened to have multiple RA's- rather than what the ring meant. He never took his off, made that a point. Like it mattered.
As we moved forward in R, I eventually put the rings back on. It's not the same meaning to me, of course. I just thought, hell I love diamonds and it's my dream ring. Shame for it to sit in a box. I also wore them on a chain as a necklace before I put them on my finger.
I say do whatever makes you comfortable. There certainly are no rules in the infedelity shitshow.

I took my rings off shortly after DDay and told WH that I would never wear the wedding band again, even if we remain married, because all it represents is a broken promise. My WH has always worn his wedding ring, including throughout the affair.

Recently, I decided to put my eternity ring back on. It was a 10th anniversary/ 40th birthday present and I haven't had it that long. I had it made to my own design and I love it. I felt like I needed something on that finger and I thought, why not? It doesn't feeling as meaningful or symbolic as the wedding band somehow.

If we end up staying married (jury's still out on that one), I might have my wedding band melted down and redesigned but I won't buy a new one. Or I'll just keep wearing my eternity ring on its own.

Also any ideas why he is so bothered by the fact I have put the rings in a box in the attic? It’s made him cry a few times.

Because those rings didn't symbolize his commitment to you, they symbolized your commitment to him. Of course, in his mind, his ring also symbolized your commitment to him. That's why he felt safe wearing it while cheating. It's the one-way-street logic of a WS.

When you marry, you put a ring on his finger and say "with this ring, I thee wed"., and you say that this ring you are placing on his finger is a symbol of your vows to him. That means the ring he wears is your sign of your commitment to him.

And the ring you wear is his symbol of his commitment to you.

I took the ring off my hand, too.

Because his "commitment" simply no longer exists.

My husband and I bought very simple wedding bands when we married over 20 years ago. We’ve both worn them throughout out the marriage; his cheating didn’t change that. I don’t mind wearing mine—to me it’s an acknowledgment that I still choose to be married, and that I’m committed to the relationship. I made the commitment, and if there’s a time that I consciously un-make it, I’ll take it off. I don’t really know how he feels about his. Pretty sure he wore it while having sex with his AP, so not sure it means much to him beyond the habit of wearing it. It’s odd; it’s not something that has loomed large in my mind.

The renewal of vows, however, is a hard no. I’m not sure how people manage that in the aftermath of infidelity.

I took mine off after DD and have never put them back in. I told my H that they represent promises that have been broken. Like your spouse mine was very upset by this. Oh well! I will never wear it again.

I bought myself another band that I have worn since I think of it as a promise band to me.

I threw the ring - a diamond band - off a cliff on our family trip in the year after the cheating. It was somewhat gratifying. It was good to know it was irretrievable even if I wanted it back. He bought me a new ring and band which I wear. There is an additional band which was given after finally coming out with the truth 7 years post cheating. (It wasn’t given in honor of that or anything LOL. Just happened to be given more recently) That band has some more value to me I suppose. I wore these rings on my right hand for a long time but more recently switched to the left. I’m not really sure what that means.

His ring I presume was worn during the cheating. That ring was lost a couple years after the cheating. I am glad it is gone. He ordered himself a new ring. The first ring was the one I put on his finger. He has lost that permanently. The second ring he put on his own finger. I suppose that is appropriate.

Regarding vow renewal I agree with what others have said. Feels like putting on a sweat shirt that has "I was cheated on" emblazoned across the front. He is keen to renew the vows. I used to want that. Now it just seems kind of weird. But without that it does sort of feel like we aren’t really married. I guess we are like life partners now. More of a day to day kind of thing.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I am going to reread later when I have more time.

BSR Your interpretation of the reasons made me think. I am going to ask him why it was so upsetting I asked at the time but this situation has caused me to forget things. I had trauma as a child and I think my brain helps me by making me forget things.
I will ask him outright if that is why. He now recognised that if the answer upsets or makes him mad he needs to dig deeper and look at why. The ring makes no difference to whether I am committed or not. But we made them and they were special.

My worlds a bit grey today despite the sun shining. I am somewhat melancholy this week.

A commitment to me - now that has got me thinking. We made the rings - I could do that again alone

I took mine off on discovery. I won’t wear them again. What they represent is broken. My husband took his on and off to serve whatever mask he was wearing that day. Was he the married family man? Or the cheating husband? So the ring that represented our marriage vows which were sacred to me… it no longer has a place on my hand.

Also any ideas why he is so bothered by the fact I have put the rings in a box in the attic? It’s made him cry a few times.

Probably because it reminds him of what he did.

I've never put much stock in rings, I wore mine, but I didn't need it to remind me that I was married, as I have a very good memory, particularly for nitpicky details such as that. I wore it to indicate to others that I was not available.

In my FWS situation, her rings indicated only that she was married...she apparently was still available, unbeknownst to me.

I can relate to the poster regarding the lies in disclosure. My FWS lied to my face in front of the MC, for months before coming clean, accusing me of not being able to "handle the truth". All done while wearing her rings!

Abcd89, did you put his and your rings away? I have been thinking about your post and what the rings matter all morning.

If he is or were still wearing one, does it matter to you at all now? I wish it didn't matter to me like some other posters, but I think it does matter to me that he wears one, to remind himself to try to be a better spouse and to honor his renewed commitment to me, to overtly declare marital status, fwiw. I wear mine sporadically, sometimes to remind myself to try harder to stay strong, sometimes habit, sometimes because I'm feeling the love or honoring the honest years, and when I'm not sure what I'm wearing it for, or when I'm just too mad at him to stomach it, I put it in the dish on his dresser until I'm ready to wear it again.... I'm not a big jewelry person either, and have stopped wearing most of mine, except for weddings and funerals. I'm not interested in a vow renewal either, it signifies nothing, kind of like the original rings.

But those rings I'm a little bitter about, maybe his needs to go away too, off the hand that touches me. It's been on trips with the MOW and that thought is eating at me all morning. wth? I've had years to be bothered by it and suddenly I'm wanting to ask him to replace it or at least melt it down or and make himself a new ring, as a promise to himself to be the husband he meant to be. Still thinks he is. Strange the way the thoughts bounce around on what matters, or what gets stuck.

I hope I can let the ring thoughts idle for a while, because they may be hugely symbolic, they are among the least of my problems to cross off my list. It the first few months/years they were so important to me, and I'm glad that has shifted. The rings still feel unsettled or unfinished business though, and I guess it should as we figure out how to be married again.

Maybe your WH is upset because your missing rings are a blatant reminder of who he is and what he's done, which is at odds with who he needs to believe himself to be. My IC said something to that effect about my WH and it is a useful lens to see him through when I'm struggling to understand him. Maybe your WH isn't reacting to the rings but the reality of what you not wearing them means, and what that means about him and he doesn't want to be reminded? I know mine doesn't.

I was wondering how far out you are? Maybe you don't have to decide about rings now, especially if you are still healing. At least for me, the ring conversation was a chance to talk about some bigger issues for us, maybe it will for you too. Be kind to yourself. Good luck deciding your path. I like the thought of you designing something for yourself too.