SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need help. I filed for legal separation and kicked my WH out in late 2021 (multiple Ddays and TT'ing all throughout 2020). We've been separated ever since. At first I didn't want to speak to him and didn't want him near me. He'd had a decade-long PA/EA (that ended a year before I discovered it), and I just couldn't stand to be near him. I was horribly traumatized and had developed PTSD from this.

He did *not* move in with an AP. He's living with his mom. He is not with anyone. After some time, I decided I did not want to split time with my kids, and I let him come here more. So for the last year and a half or so, we occasionally do things together as a family. This has become normal-ish for my kids (both teens now), sometimes dad comes over to hang out.

(Apologies if my thoughts are all over the place)

Throughout this time I've just been in deep, deep grief and pain. I'm feeling somewhat more ok now, but I'm in this limbo place I did NOT want to be when this all began.

I cannot support myself financially. I'm living on alimony & child support which is enough to pay my bills right now, but it won't last forever and for example I need a new car but I can't get one because I can't afford it. I don't have a degree or any way to make enough money to support myself.

The possibility of us reconciling has been on the table this whole time. He very much wants that. I have mostly refused to talk in-depth about anything with him because I just feel like what he did is unforgiveable. But also, I want my family together and I want to be financially stable. I can't seem to firmly make up my mind when the possibility of us all being together and being financially ok is right there, but also I'm ok for now, so I don't really *have to* make a decision. I've allowed myself to just let things be so I could try to heal. I'm embarrassed it's taken me this long to start to feel ok (I don't feel totally ok, but I don't feel stuck in such deep grief anymore).

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. I think partly I'm looking for someone to tell me it's ok to reconcile. That maybe after 2 years of him consistently being here any time I need him shows he's really trying and maybe we could make this work.

I'm also sad and angry that my options are 1. reconcile and be financially ok, but have to eat the shit sandwich of a LTA, or 2. finally cut ties for good and maybe feel more ok emotionally, but struggle financially. I'd appreciate any wisdom here. I'm in tears writing this all out.

I feel like I know logically how I feel and where I want to be, but life circumstances aren't ideal and so I'm trying to justify things.

Don’t stay with someone you don’t want to be with for financial reasons.

Get a job. Look into careers that take minimal education and have decent pay. In my area, you can do a six week course in phlebotomy, followed by 40-ish hours of externship and then make a livable wage. And it’s in high demand. That may not be your cup of tea, but there are other fields with similar trajectories

Be proactive. It doesn’t have to be the either/or situation you describe.

Are you looking for "permission" so to speak? I felt weird for a long time and fought my desire to reconcile as it went against every fiber in my being and I was so ashamed to be "one of those" women who stand by their man. 🙄🤷‍♀️ When I finally allowed myself to not care what others thought of me or what society teaches us as a proper response to cheating I found pride in the ability to choose me and what I wanted. In the beginning, hell yes financials and family security played a big role in my decision. . But, for me that is as or more important in a marriage than love. 🤷‍♀️ I’d have never gotten married in the first place if love and companionship was all I was after. What I am trying to say is the only right response to infidelity is choosing what is best for you, your needs, values, and wants in life. My kids and family have always been the most important thing in my life followed by financial security for said family. Granted, no one ever wants a marriage scarred with cheating, but that’s what I was given. The possibility of a perfect marriage with the father of my kids was no longer a possibility and I had no desire to look for a new marriage . 🤷‍♀️ Luckily, my husband (also LTA ) became a man I could love and enjoy again. Given that though, I don’t think I’d divorce him now even if he cheated again. I’d be hurt and our relationship would change for sure, but I am not dividing up the security we’ve created together. I am quite happy and secure in life and to walk away from that would offer me nothing. I am happy with him, but if I had to emotionally divorce him, I’d be happy that way too.

It is no fun being in limbo, but on the bright side, you have some time to make a plan. There are decent paying jobs that only require minimal education, sometimes a short course will give you access to those jobs. You have time to make and implement a plan.
If you take him back do you really think the love will return? If not, what kind of life will you have? Remember, your kids will leave home sooner than you think. Then it will just be the two of you existing.

Hi antbee,

I was in a similar circumstance and have been on this site for almost 20 years. I stayed with my ex for financial reasons but we lived separate lives. He lived in the basement of my house for a while and it worked out ok. I think because we were both done with the marriage.

Your situation is different but I just want you to know that people do what they need to do. The heartbreak of having to make the decision to be ok financially or to feel like you are being true to yourself isn't fair to you but it's real. I did not want to break up my family but I knew I couldn't go on like I was.

It's been a couple of years, I would trust your gut on this and go forward with a decision.

Thanks, everyone.

OnTheOtherSideOfHell,

The possibility of a perfect marriage with the father of my kids was no longer a possibility and I had no desire to look for a new marriage

I relate to a lot of what you said, and this ⬆️ in particular is what I've been grieving so hard and trying to hold on to. It's over, I will never be young again and just starting a family with someone. I will not be having any more kids, so no chance of trying again with someone else. I do not get the experience of raising kids together with someone who is all-in on the same level I was. Someone who would never dream of hurting us on purpose.

And what you said about financial & family security being as or more important than love, I agree with that at this point and I'm also angry about it. I want to have it all, financial security AND love, and I know I could have with someone else, but that's not what I have and I can't change it.

I also worry about being a good role model for my kids. I'm glad they saw me kick WH out at least. I feel very lucky I was able to do that. Would it be terrible for them if I let him come back? I don't know. But I do know it would allow us to live a much better life and do all the fun things I want to do with them because we'd be able to afford it.

Hi Antbee, Your pain and grief is palpable. I'm so sorry for the trauma you've experienced. I'm glad you're starting to feel more yourself. I'm happy you are motivated to get yourself out of limbo. You deserve to not be stuck in this place for longer than absolutely necessary. Please know that the following post is not meant to be accusatory or diminishing. It's 100% about wanting to get to you a place of "unstuck-ness".

I cannot support myself financially. I'm living on alimony & child support which is enough to pay my bills right now, but it won't last forever and for example I need a new car but I can't get one because I can't afford it. I don't have a degree or any way to make enough money to support myself.

One of the things that really helps with healing is the strength that comes from knowing that you will be okay on your own, regardless of what happens. People who know that they will be okay on their own are able to make decisions from a place of strength rather than fear/feeling like you don't have other options. I understand that finances are a legitimate consideration in making your decisions, but I disagree that you have been left you without choices here. I went through some of your old posts and in one you mentioned your approximate age in a comment to someone else. You are WAY too young to come to the conclusion that you cannot support yourself (and never could). You mention your kids are now teenagers - I presume you have been out of the workforce for at least as many years. I do not discount that making things more difficult but it is in no way a bar to employment.

I have no idea where you live, but there are plenty of in-demand careers that don't require degrees. Insurance claims examiners, medical office assistants, bus drivers, ECEs, opticians, phlebotomists, care aides, medical techs, medical records technicians, pharmacy techs, massage therapists. Yes, some of those jobs require special certifications - some are just on-the-job training, but many are not super onerous to obtain (no more than 1 or maybe 2 years at most). If your kids are already teenagers, presumably you are reaching a point in your life where maybe finding a job would have been a consideration in any event.

I urge you to start taking steps in this direction. Do it now while you still are being supported financially by your spouse. Regardless of what you ultimately choose in terms of your relationship with your WS, it will put you in a position where you will be okay. If you choose to R, you will do so from a position of strength. If you choose to D, you will do so from a position of strength. You will make your kids proud.

I get that this may not have been part of your original plan. If this wasn't the way you pictured your life going, that sucks - truly, I'm not being dismissive when I say that. There is no fairness in what has happened to you. BUT... everyone at some point faces some amount of trauma, adversity or stress and life rarely goes as we plan. When that happens, the real test is how we choose to respond to those stresses. Some people do not (or cannot) cope, they take their proverbial ball and go home, so to speak. Those with resiliency, might lick their wounds for a bit before adapting to their new set of circumstances, however challenging they might be. They do their best to make lemonade out of the lemons they never chose. You are capable of hard things. You are. And you deserve great things. You do.

It makes sense that your resiliency has taken a hit. Mine certainly did and my circumstances were nowhere close to what you experienced. But resiliency can be built.

I want to have it all, financial security AND love, and I know I could have with someone else, but that's not what I have and I can't change it.

Disagree with that last part. You can change it. There is absolutely no way to undo what has been done. No amount of wishing will transform the cards you have been dealt, into the cards you had hoped for. If you are able to shift your thinking on what you CAN do, rather than what you CANNOT, when you start to view change as a challenge to overcome rather than a threat, that is going to be when you are able to start to feel unstuck.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 8:48 PM, Friday, January 19th]

For me, I feel like I do have it all at this point, except for an infidelity free marriage. I had to choose either love with a new man, but not the father of my kids as I wanted or learn to trust and love my former cheating husband. Once infidelity hits a marriage with kids having it all as we previously dreamt of is not a possibility. Given my only two options left I chose to try to salvage what was left of my marriage and so far, so good! I Am quite happy. As for wondering how your kids may feel, I involved mine in the entire process. Their attitude was always what DAd did was horrible and that most importantly they wanted their mom happy again. They did admit that if I could achieve that happiness again reconciling then that would be their preference as they still very much loved their imperfect Dad. So, we proceeded with attempting to reconcile. It wasn’t easy and my feelings were all over the place for a good two years. I’d swing from wanting him out of my life completely to needing him physically near me 24/7. I kind of felt crazy for a long time. Take your time and choose your life forward given your new options. The old dream will never be and that will need some mourning time.